Escaping My Suffering
Unfortunately, deleting social media and moving to the woods is not the only answer.
To listen while you’re reading…
I fantasize about leaving everything.
Deleting all of my profiles, packing up my Brooklyn apartment, transitioning to a life with much less noise.
I close my eyes and envision a life of solitude. A life with few ties to anything outside of my close vicinity, limited interactions with anyone other than the nature that surrounds me. I would read books from people who likely have died years before I came into this world and allow the whispers of the trees to guide my next steps forward.
What if the only people who knew what was going on in my world were the ones who picked up the phone and called me? What if I only consumed the content that I intentionally chose, not that was spit out of an algorithm and forced down my throat? What if I lived a life that wasn’t constantly influenced by people passing by on the street, by the convenience of having everything I could ever want at my fingertips, by a city that seems to move faster than the speed of light?
I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately. I have spoken to friends and gone back and forth about my online and offline life. Do I want to partake in something that is actively harming my wellbeing? Whether it’s being chronically online or living in a city moving faster than my body is able to keep up with, I don’t know if I can keep moving forward like this.
I know something needs to change and everything in my being is telling me to wipe the slate clean and start over but I don’t think that’s the answer.
Sprinting to the opposite end of the spectrum will almost never erase the root of the problems that led you to make such a stark change. I could delete all of my social media and never scroll another day in my life, but I will still feel overwhelmed by the sheer possibilities of the trajectory of my life. I could leave Brooklyn and move into a cabin in a small mountain town in Vermont, but I could still fall into the trap of numbing out, distracting myself, and feeling disconnected from my creativity. I could make all of the changes that I think would make my life better, allowing things to finally fall into place or I could get there and realize the root of my suffering was actually me all along.
While, yes, social media is addicting and New York City is overwhelming, those experiences are not forced upon me. I know this because not everyone feels this way. I know this because I haven’t always felt this way. I know this because I once dreamed about the life I am living, and now that life has become something I want to escape.
In Buddhism, there is a concept called emptiness, the idea that nothing in this world has a self existent nature. There is nothing that exists as just one thing – everything exists as the perception we have of it. I see myself differently than you see me. But that does not mean either of our perceptions is wrong, merely different.
When I return to emptiness, I am reminded that the goodness is not held within the answer of deleting all of my social media, or moving out of the city. Just as the struggle is not seated within the mindless scrolling, fast paced life, or constant overstimulation. Both experiences are held within me. And both are in constant motion, able to transform at any moment. There is limitless potential of my experience in this life. Nothing is permanent. I have the ability to transform anything that I experience. I always have the choice to change, to disrupt the cycle of suffering and choose differently. And so do you.
The yearning for something different, something new is simply information. It is information guiding me to explore a new way of being, an alternate way of experiencing this life. What if things could be different? This contemplation is offered to me as a way to challenge the status quo and disrupt the habituated ways of being in my life. It is a question that allows me to get out of autopilot – it reminds me of the emptiness of all things. It empowers me to remember I always have a choice in how I perceive my experience.
I could continue to judge the life I am living or I could make small, sustainable adjustments to find greater ease and purpose without completely uprooting or disrupting all that I have been working towards. The latter is a path, a perfectly viable path – one that I have gone down before – but it is not the path that will lead to my highest growth without reflection.
When I reflect on the things in my life that feel disruptive and challenging, I encourage myself to dig deeper. I could see the overwhelm with being chronically online as a sign to delete everything, or I could see it as information telling me I am craving more experiences in my offline life. I might be tempted to pack up everything and start a new life in a small town where I know no one, or I could use that desire as information to find more spaciousness, presence, nature, and slowing down in my day to day life. I could see it as a signal to prioritize experiences that invite slowing down into my life – rather than speeding up, doing more, or maximizing my productivity.
There is always an option in how to choose to perceive information. A vital part of this human life is experiencing this human life. It is in the experience that you gather information; about what feels good, what you want more of, and what isn’t working for you. It is simply information. You have a say in what you do with that information. You can choose to take action, or you can simply listen and allow it to inform how you move forward.
I will continue to daydream about living a slower, less stimulated life but for now I will savor the bountiful life I am living. The yearning to connect more deeply with myself, others, and the world around me remains but it is not an indication that I must disrupt my life as I know it – it is simply signaling towards the types of things and ways of being that may bring more ease into my life. I trust that I will find my way to a cottage in the woods, but I do not need to force my way there in any sort of rush.
I gently remind myself to exhale.
On this next inhale, I remember that anything is possible.
I decide the way I experience my reality.
It is up to me, and only me.
What do you want to escape? By escaping, what do you hope to run towards?
What is one small change you can make right now to move you towards a bigger change you are craving in your life?
If you are feeling challenged with something in your life, how can you shift your perception of the situation to find a little more ease? What is another perspective? What is another way of approaching this challenge?
I have been dreaming of a solo retreat or artists residency, and one day to create one for others. I have my eye on spending time at the Half Moon Valley Homestead in Maine this Fall and Salmon Creek Farm in Northern California next year 🌲
I adored this honest reflection of “quitting your life” and choosing a new way of being later in your career. It’s an inspiring and important reminder that you can always choose differently, no matter how old (or settled) you are.
I LOVED this reflection on the purpose of the iPhone, what it has become, and how it is impacting our relationship to self.
Another fantastic social media reflection. “Stop looking around and look up. Stop looking at each other and look at your North Star. Don’t let social comparison make you lose sight of what you care about. Don’t let social media blur your sense of what matters to you.”
On Being is one of my favorite podcasts and I love adrienne maree brown. Excited to listen to this on my way to dance class tonight :)
I finally bought Tarot for Change after sitting in my Thriftbooks cart for months. Each contemplation for the cards is better than the last and I’ve really been sitting with the Hermit description. It always comes back to the middle way, doesn’t it?
What an incredible read 💛 and truly touching on the nature of interbeing and connection — as this week I’ve been reflecting on the wisdom of emptiness, *and* yesterday my friend and I here in plum village were talking about On Being! I loved your reflections on emptiness. Thank you for sharing dear one, I am feeling held and connected from across the globe!