How to Build Better Friendships
Friendship as a tool for self discovery and lens to understand unconditional love
I’ve been thinking a lot about friendship.
I think a lot about friendship.
I am constantly thinking about how I can show up better for the people I love most. I think about how I can stay open and present to new connections while tending to those who have been in my life for as long as I can remember. I center my life around friendship. As someone who once identified with a lack of romantic love, I now see the blessing of abundant platonic connection in my life. I think about how lucky I am to live a life where I am surrounded by so much love, so many people weaving in and out of my life. How lucky am I to get to know love through a lens that is not blinded by desire, lust, or possession? What a gift it is to understand love outside of the conditions dictating what love is supposed to look like.
I recorded a podcast episode a few weeks ago on how to be a better friend. It was a conversation with others that was a continuation of the conversation I had been having with myself for the past few months.
How can I be a better friend?
What does friendship mean to me?
What do I need in friendship?
What do I have the space for right now? Who do I have the space for?
What friendships feel easy and which feel a little more difficult?
The list of questions go on as I am in constant conversation with self about how I show up in relationships and how they show up for me.
A lot has shifted in my friendships since moving to NYC last year. In my three years of living nomadically, I was used to squeezing in every social interaction I could. I was constantly putting myself out there to meet new people, and spending my days sending voice messages and postcards to the friends who resided halfway across the world. My friendships were often transient, short lived because of my travel schedule but that didn’t stop me from cultivating deep relationships. I made some of my best friends in the few months I lived in Hawaii or Mexico City or even during a ten week long meditation teacher training in NYC.
In friendship (and I guess in all relationships) I go deep, fast. I skip the small talk and steer the conversation right to the depths. Most of the friends I’ve made in the past few years, were created within containers (trainings, volunteer programs, etc.) which created a summer camp-like form of intimacy. We had a bond from the unique experience we shared and that bond will connect us forever. Aside from these containers, I think deeply relating is just who I am. I love getting to know someone beyond the surface. I love building a relationship and the process of deepening a connection. I give a lot of myself to my friendships and until I officially moved to NYC, I felt like I could maintain that depth with everyone.
In the 12 months since officially moving to New York, I’ve observed a few things when it comes to friendship:
I don’t have the capacity (time or energy) to give everything to every connection in my life
Sometimes the people I want to connect with most, don’t have the capacity to prioritize me in that same way
It will be easier to tend to relationships that easily integrate into my life (we frequent similar places, live in walking distance, shared hobbies, etc.)
Don’t take it personally if you have a really good connection but that connection doesn’t grow into anything – if it feels forced, give it a rest
With a lot of these realizations, I had to let go of a lot of beliefs I had about friendship. I had to let go of the part of my ego telling me I was a bad friend if I didn’t do x, y, z. I had to let go of the need for everyone to like me and face the wound of rejection when someone simply didn’t prioritize me. I had to sit with the discomfort that came from setting boundaries, letting people down, and taking space from friendships that were not healthy or supporting me in the way I needed. I had to face the grief that came from allowing friendships to change, shift, grow, evolve and sometimes that means growing apart rather than growing together.
Friendships have been my greatest teacher and catalyst for self discovery.
As I grow into my adult life, I see the ways in which I can love others (and myself) more unconditionally – my shadows show me the things that I am clinging onto and the opportunity to release my grasp in order to allow things to unfold how they are meant to.
I recognize that the friendships I have cultivated in my life are not always easy to come by. Life goes on, we grow up, and the older we get, the seemingly more difficult it is to find (and create) the friendships we desire.
While my case is unique, and has led me to knowing a lot of people in a lot of places, I like to explore the idea of not only finding friends but how to build better friendships. As we grow older, friendship does not solely need to be based on convenience like it once did in school. Now, we have the opportunity to pick and choose and build the friendships we desire.
Do you crave a friendship that supports you to dive deeper into your spirituality? Or empower you to build your own business? Are you desiring friendships that center around the idea of play? Do you want more depth? Or quality time? Or just someone to share the mundane moments of life?
There are different types of friendships.
I once believed that every friendship needed to reach the same depth for it to be worthwhile but I now see that’s not the case. I don’t have the capacity to reach the same depth with every person in my life and that does not diminish the love I have for them. Sometimes people simply don’t fit into your life right now, and that is okay. Sometimes friends are there for moments, seasons, or lifetimes. Sometimes they are there to inspire you, to empower you, to support you, or just to keep you company. This understanding that has shifted the way I view friendships – you cannot expect to force something into a box in which it is not meant to fit in.
When you are able to give relationships space to breathe, to unfold how they are meant to, you give yourself permission to change along with it.
I spent many months of the past year feeling disappointed by the people in my life but that is because of the unrealistic (and un-communicated) expectations I had set for them. I expected others to prioritize friendship the way that I do and that’s not fair. I set out high expectations without seeing that was holding me back from loving them showing up as their best. I also had to get realistic with myself that not everyone wants (or can) to show up for me in the way I want/need/expect and that has nothing to do with me. It’s not personal. It’s the reality of the situation and the more I try to resist that reality, the more suffering I’ll experience.
As I continue to grow into myself, my friendships shift along with me. Some people stay, others drift away, and that’s all okay. I am growing and so are they. As I step into this next evolution of self, I decide what matters to me in relationships and I prioritize that. I turn my energy towards the friends that are showing up for me in the way I need and when they aren’t, I communicate clear needs or work internally to shift my expectations.
In the process of building better friendships, I’ve experienced some of the greatest heartbreak.
Coming to terms with the fact that not everyone is meant to stay in your life, or the friendship is not meant to stay the same, or the realization that someone is taking more than they are showing up for you is not easy. But it is important to remember that there can be beautiful and profound love in relationships that only connect a few times a year. There can be love still held within a friendship that is no longer active in each other's life. People can come together and drift apart and their connection still holds the same weight and impact on each other's lives. Relationships are allowed to evolve.
There is a lot more I have to say on this but I think I’ll end it here for today.
Friendship is one of the most important and sacred things in my life.
Without it, I wouldn’t be who I am.
Everyday I look around at my life in awe of the people that surround me and support me. I feel so lucky to be able to impact their life and support them in this season of their life and beyond. I believe that the heart has an infinite capacity to love – the depth can never be reached except through the limits of our mind. When our mind creates a story and tells us to withhold our love, it is an invitation to soften into the experience of reality. What can you love and appreciate right here and now? How can you love someone more unconditionally? What is the most compassionate thing you can do for yourself and others?
In this season of life and friendship, I am prioritizing what I can show up to with ease and enthusiasm. If it flows, it flows. If it feels forced or unbalanced, I take space. The love is still there but turned inward towards myself to replenish my capacity to show up for others and for myself. There is no need to hold onto a connection that feels like it brings more harm than good. Let go of trying to force a connection into the idea of what you think it should be and you will create space for a connection that already fits to flow effortlessly into your life.
There are so many layers to friendship that I wish I could touch upon, but I’m curious to hear from you.
What do better friendships look like for you?
How do you show up for your friends?
How do you wish your friends showed up for you?
What would your life, and your friendships, look like if they lived completely outside of the ego?
What is one small thing you can do for a friend this week?
Thank you so much for being so personal and open, sharing private emotions with a public audience is not easy. Your text also reminded me of an interview I've read from Foucault in the 70's. It was about "friendship as a way of life", like how friendships can be the base of every relationship. Need too search for it ... thank you!!!!
This is beautiful, profound, and touching the depths of my soul. I am grateful for your friendship in my life