To listen while you read…
I’m sitting in front of a blank page unsure of what to share with you today. Usually, when I arrive to the page, a clear theme comes immediately. It is typically easy for me to sift through the things I am processing in order to weave together a narrative to share with you each week but today feels different. Today I am questioning the expectations I place upon myself, my art, and my life. I ask myself,
What would happen if I allowed my creativity to be free?
I think it would feel nice not to have the pressure to always be creating.
While I do love the boundaries I place for myself, sometimes they feel suffocating. And if I’m being honest with you, sometimes they keep me from being present with my own process because I am so preoccupied with holding onto meet their expectations.
I fear that by releasing these structures that hold my creativity tightly in place, it will completely dissolve in front of my eyes.
I don’t want to become a has been or a memory of the past.
I don’t want to be one of those writers that people wonder, “what happened to her?”
I pride myself in my discipline, my ability to show up and follow through no matter what but what if that approach is trapping my creativity in a tightly fitting box?
What if by placing all of my attention on the consistency of showing up to hit publish each week, I am keeping myself from exploring new depths and bounds of what my creativity and self expression could become?
I think I have forgotten how to play.
I have forgotten what it feels like to write for nothing other than the joy of expressing an idea in my mind.
I don’t remember how to do something simply for the enjoyment of doing it, rather than the brief accomplishment that comes from completing it.
If I want my entire life to be my art, I think I must release these expectations of perfection. I must rewire my brain to see that success is not just in hitting a certain number of readers or getting a book deal or even showing up to create each day. To me, success is giving myself permission to allow all of me to show up to the practice. It is creating space for new mediums to unfold. TO explore, experiment, and create at my own pace.
There is so much pressure to be something and to do something with what I create but what would happen if I could just let things be as they are and trust that they are enough as is?
What would happen to my life, and my art, if I just simply allowed?
If I stopped trying to get to the next things or shift things ever so slightly so I could reach a tiny bit more contentment that I am desiring? When will it ever be enough?
There is value to showing up to the page each day. I don’t think I’ll ever stop my practice of morning pages. I probably won’t stop publishing to my newsletter, either. I love it and I love the practice of releasing my art to the ethers of the internet but I want to release the pressure to be something alongside with it.
I went to a speed dating event this week. I didn’t meet any potential lovers but I made a few friends and left feeling more energized than I expected. It was an experience that dropped me back into myself. Sitting through about 16 two-minute long dates, I was reminded of the value I bring to the table. I listened to myself speak and ask thoughtful questions and show up with an open heart even when my body felt an immediate no. I was taken by the experience of myself. I loved how I showed up. I love how I show up to life. I journal about it often in my morning pages but I am so proud of the woman I have become, and am constantly becoming.
There is this voice in my mind that will never believe I am good enough. It tells me that I need to be doing more, doing better, doing differently in order to be “enough.” But when I left that speed dating event, and whenever I take time to get quiet and really be in company with myself, that voice goes away. A veil is lifted and I see myself clearly with no desire to change. When I write these words to you, I recognize that it is all okay. It has always been okay.
The only thing holding me back is my own mind.
The stories I hold of how I need to show up in order to be good enough.
What I need to do in order to be worthy.
The unwritten rules and expectations I place upon myself, and my art, to deem it acceptable.
If I listen to these beliefs, to the part that is never satisfied, I will go my entire life grasping outside of the present moment. I will spend my entire life somewhere else. I will look back one day when I am old, and think to myself, “where did all of the time go?”
I want to be here.
I want to be present to the experience of life.
I want to enjoy the experience of being 26 and living in NYC.
I want to explore my creativity and my own understanding of myself as an artist.
I want to take my time as I discover who I am.
I want to experiment and explore and take forever to figure out how I want to life this life.
I want to be grateful for the life in front of me without wishing it away too quickly.
I want to give myself permission to be here and now with no hesitation or apologies.
The expectations I place on my creativity inevitably lead back to me. How you approach one thing is how you approach everything. When I feel pressured to create or succeed or be in this world in a specific way, I am simply being shown an area where I can soften. I can maintain the structures that support me while maintaining a softness with myself. I can show up each day while holding grace in my heart for the days when showing up looks differently. And in those moments when the discipline turns into rigid expectation, I return to my why. Why do I continue to show up, even when no one is forcing me? Why do I want to continue to show up? Why why why?
Approach this inquiry with curiosity – maybe you will discover something you never expected held within the arms of a simple insight.
Why? A three letter word that can be the access point to a labyrinth of understanding of who you are and how you wish to show up in this world. Keep asking. Keep exploring. Keep inviting in new insights. Be open to the answers changing. Nothing is ever fixed and that is the magic of it all. Limitless potential for what this life could be.
I didn’t expect to go here today but here we are. Here we are present to the process. Present to what is coming up right here, right now. It’s a sunny day and I am still riding the high of a weekend of the sweetest birthday celebrations I’ve ever had. I can’t help but repeat over and over in my morning pages just how grateful I am for my life. Even when things feel murky, situations feel sticky, and there are external factors that I want to change, nothing feels as important as the gratitude I hold for the experience of right now. It’s a gift to be typing these words to you and feeling the capacity of my lungs on every inhale. I hope to never forget how precious this life is – I hope that amidst the mess of the process, I can always remember to return to the gift of this moment.
Inhale, I am here.
Exhale, I am here.
And to keep this conversation going, comment down below.
What are the things that you do out of obligation and what do you do for the pure joy of doing it?
What has been inspiring your process lately? Any podcasts, books, journaling prompts, etc.? (I feel like I need a lil inspiration)
What do you want to be more present with in your life?
PS – I had a really amazing conversation about how to be a better friend with
last week for his podcast. It was a casual chat which stirred so many insights about friendship as an adult. Let me know if you listen and check out his other episodes – David is an incredible human and publishes some of the best, most insightful podcast episodes.
Episode 148 on the Moonbeaming Podcast by Sarah Faith Gottessdiener is one of my favorite sources of inspiration this week. I enjoy anything Sarah writes or says in general. It’s great stuff even if you are into astrology or the tarot!
“If I want my entire life to be my art, I think I must release these expectations of perfection.” punched me in the face.
I needed it to. I’m very good about practicing “done is better than perfect” when it comes to ‘external art’ but the self-criticism has been going wild lately and THAT is something I need to surrender an idea of perfection around.
Thanks for the loving nudge to loosen my grip on my self-talk 😅❤️