I often forget that one of the beauties of life is that I get to decide what my version of success looks like. The idea of success that has been fed to me does not have to be the one that I abide by. I get to decide what is important to me. And you get to decide what is important to you. Maybe you want to build a following so that your work is able to reach a broader audience, or maybe it is important to you to get married and have kids because building a family stirs something within your heart, or maybe you’re like me and simply want to live a life that feels good. I want to push up against the pressure to build something because it is “what I am supposed to do” and follow my inklings of curiosity, excitement, and joy. I want to measure success by how present I am, rather than how productive. I want to do things differently because it feels good and because I want to show others that another path is always available.

When I started this newsletter, I didn’t care about the number of eyeballs reading my words, I simply wanted to acquaint myself with the identity of “writer.” I wrote my entire life but never dared to call myself a writer unless I had published something out into the world. So I did just that. I showed up to the page week after week. I didn’t pay attention to likes, or subscribers, or the number of re-stacks. I wrote because it felt good but somewhere along the way I got swept up in the belief that I needed to grow, to work harder, to focus on turning this newsletter “into something” rather than allowing it to remain as a simple container to house my creative work.

Distracted by the noise of what others were doing, seeing peers grow exponentially compared to me, I lost my direction and began aimlessly wandering into the vast unknown. I felt the pressure to do more, to squeeze myself into the box of what I thought would work better (aka what I thought would go viral), and it ended up feeling like I was pushing a boulder up a mountain. I no longer looked forward to showing up to the page, I dreaded it. I was focused more on being good, than doing what felt authentically me. So it’s no wonder I ended up burnt out and uninspired.

I lost sight of the reason I showed up to the page in the first place. I stopped creating out of the sheer pleasure of it and started to see it as a means to an end – a way to fulfill my ego’s desire to be seen, validated, and approved.

As I am returning to the practice of writing, publishing, and putting my work out into the world, I want to do things differently than I have before. I now feel more comfortable with calling myself a writer but I also know that my work is meant to spread wider than this newsletter. I love this sweet little container that has held me for years but I have been craving more for myself. I want this to be a jumping off point. A single container within my creative ecosystem. A place for me to show up consistently, not with the intention to “make it big” but to rebuild my creative endurance. To sift through my ideas and find a clear pathway for my inspiration to run free.

But if I want to approach this differently, I know that I need anchors. I need guardrails that keep me from getting distracted, from forgetting my WHY and the definition of success that I have crafted for myself. Without taking the time to define the ways in which I want to show up for my work, I have learned that it is easier than I would like to admit to begin relying on external metrics of success as a baseline for my worth, for the validity of my creative work, and as the gas that keeps me motivated. I think we all know that relying on things like vanity metrics can only take you so far.

This is where the practice of drafting your guiding principles comes in.

I started this list as a list to orient myself as I return to the page and to this newsletter. As I sat down and reflected on what is important to me – on how I want to show up to my creative practice – I realized that this list also reflects what is important to me in I want to show up to my life as a whole. I guess it is true that how you show up to one thing is how you show up to everything. And in landing on how I want to show up to my creative life, I realized that it translates to how I want to show up to entirety of my life.

I think it is so important to take the time to decide what is important to you. To quiet down the noise of what everyone around you is doing, from what society deems as successful, and ask yourself: what matters to me? what do I really want? what do I want to be known for?

Dare to think differently. Have the courage to do things your own way. Define success on your own terms and step off of the hamster wheel of living a life that is not your own. And if you are feeling uninspired in your life or creative practice like I was, start with what brings you joy, what sparks your curiosity, and what feels expansive and fun. It really is that simple.

The Process Guiding Principles (aka the guiding principles of my life)

1. Get offline. Get out into your life.

2. Savor. Not everything needs to be optimized or efficient.

3. Be messy. Get comfortable with being in the muck.

The Muck: not having all of the answers, lack of clarity, feeling discomfort, changing your mind, feeling behind, etc.

4. Loosen your grip. Be open to new approaches

5. Stay in your own lane. No one understands your process like you do.

6. Be where you are. Feet firmly planted.

7. Stay open to things unfolding better than you ever could image.

8. Your job is not to be perfect. Define success for yourself.

9. Make the mundane sacred. You decide what you see as magic.

So much of the way I want to move through my creative work and overall life is rooted in pleasure, play, and fun. All of these guiding principles give me the spaciousness to explore, to change my mind, to do things my own way. None of them are fixed. They meet every moment as it comes, rather than attaching to how things have been before. I will return to this list often and adjust, make changes, add new principles as the seasons of my life shift and change.

The Process is ever changing, and different seasons of our life ask different things of us and our practices. Return to this practice when your life is feeling stale or stagnant, or you feel like what once worked for you is no longer working. Give yourself permission to find a new approach that meets you in this moment. Resist the urge to do things simply because everyone else is doing them. Figure out what matters to you and allow those things to be the thing that guide you forward in life.

WHAT ARE YOUR CREATIVE GUIDING PRINCIPLES? HOW DO YOU DEFINE SUCCESS FOR YOURSELF IN YOUR CREATIVE PRACTICE? IN YOUR LIFE?

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Read last week’s post on reigniting my creative spark.

This post was originally inspired by my friend, , who recently wrote about the tension of building a personal brand and the push and pull of ambition and intimacy and how she is defining success for herself in her life as she builds her personal brand.

ADORED this post from on designing a life you’re disgustingly obsessed with. She is speaking the language of my soul!

The twelve points of pleasure at work by if you are feeling stuck in work and craving a change or redirection but aren’t sure where to go.

Not reading, but whenever I am feeling meh about life Abraham Hicks wakes me tf up and gets me ready to GOoooooOoo. Tapped in! Turned on! Lit up!

Alas, this note from

Learn more about me and my work here. My inbox is always open for collaborations, connections, and to hear what you’re currently processing: naturallynicoletta@gmail.com.

I just got home from a walk around Mackworth Island and I am laying on my couch writing to you. I’ve been making it a priority to get out of the house to adventure, explore, and meander at some point during the work day. Sometimes I wake up early and drink my coffee at the beach, or walk around my neighborhood after lunch admiring all of the flowers that are in bloom, and other times (like today) I slam my laptop shut at 3pm and drive to a nearby island to listen to the wind in the trees and feel the sun on my cheeks. I still can’t believe that this is my life. It feels wild to think that just a month ago I felt stagnant, stuck, and uninspired by my life; and now I look around and feel endless possibility.

A lot can change in a month. And a lot has changed. I completely uprooted my life and moved to a place I had only visited a handful of times. When I moved, I also made the conscious decision to do things differently. I didn’t want to fall into the same rhythm of life that I had felt so stagnant in. I don’t want to watch my life pass me by – I want to live a life that I am obsessed with. I want to be completely engaged in and excited by the life I am living.

I’ve felt completely in love and lit up by my life before and I know I can get to that place again. I thankfully have moved to a place that I have fallen head over heels for, and now I have the opportunity to take an honest look at my life (my habits, routines, tendencies, patterns, beliefs that are still keeping me small) and rebuild from the ground up. There’s no better time to revamp your entire life than right after you completely wipe the slate clean, right?

I’ve been in a creative rut since the start of 2025. Maybe even before that, who knows? Time starts to feel the same after a while, especially when you fall into a particularly low season. But I am determined to get out of it.

I think the rut happened partially had to do with the fact that I was burnt out from the life I was living but also because I stopped creating things I was excited about. My newsletter started to feel like a part-time job that I was forcing myself to do and I started putting all of my creative energy into my day job. For a while, it was nice to take a break from my perfectionist tendencies and the expectation to consistently create but at the same time I felt completely disconnected from a fundamental part of myself.

While this was happening, I was in the process of unraveling my identity of a girl who lives in New York City. As it goes, once I started to question one thing about how I had been showing up to life, it all began to unravel. I started to spiral down the rabbit hole of asking myself:

• What do I want to be known for?

• What is the life that I want to be living and how do I want to show up for it?

• What message do I want to share?

• What impact do I want to leave on people? – in real life, online, through my words, etc.

• What is no longer working about how I have been doing things?

This self inquiry naturally trickled out into the corners of my life – my day to day routine, my creative work, my social life, etc. And I am in the process of rebuilding those things from the ground up–starting with my creative work because she has been sitting on the back burner for far too long.

Whether you just packed your life up and are starting over like me, or you simply want to invigorate your life as we move into the summer months, keep on reading for the ways that I plan to reignite my creative spark. And hopefully, my zest and excitement for my life as a whole.

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• Commit to the bit. If you are going to do the thing, do the damn thing. Stop talking about wanting to do it or how uncomfortable you feel doing it. Just do it. The only way to stop feeling stagnant is to start moving again. For me, that looks like getting my ass back on the wagon and my fingers back to writing. So I will do just that: start. Publish once a week, every week from now until September 1. Hold me accountable, dear reader.

• Find new ways to play. You will continue getting the same results if you continue to do things with the same approach. If something has been feeling off in your life or your practice, do things differently. Try writing at night instead of first thing in the morning. Shake up your routine and see how you feel. If you are feeling stagnant in your creative practice, explore a medium you’ve never tried. I’m personally interested in block printing – I don’t consider myself a visual artist but I know that doing something new will help me get out of my head and back into my creative flow.

• Refresh your environment. Clean out your closet, redecorate, refresh your physical space. Make your environment a place that inspires you. While I did physically move cities (aggressive choice, might I add), you can refresh your environment by getting new bedding or rearranging your desk. Don’t forget about your digital space! When in doubt, rebrand your newsletter. Or get a new computer background. Or change your profile picture. The possibilities are endless.

• Get selective with your inputs. As hard as this might be, resist the urge to look to what other people are doing for inspiration. Get outside, watch how the sun glimmers on the water. Slow down. Give yourself space to be without any inputs. Ask the question you are pondering and actually listen. Let the inspiration find you. Look through old journals or drafts or past projects. Go to a museum and see what stirs something within your heart.

  NOTE: We live in a world that is LOUD. If you are online, everywhere you look is riddled with countless ideas, opinions, and people that are probably more creative than you. It is essential not to get lost in the comparison trap or trying to be just like the people you love. There are plenty of people who I am inspired by but if I am not careful, I get sucked into the trap of trying to replicate what they are doing because I love it so much rather than using that peaked interest as a jumping off point for my own curiosity to explore why I am inspired by them, and how I can bring that into my own practices and ways of being.

• Follow your flow. Find what feels good and start there. There’s no use in forcing yourself to do something that you don’t want to do. Be curious about a new approach, invite play into the conversation, and build a practice (and life) that feels good to you. If something isn’t working, try doing things differently. And if you don’t know where to start, start with something you are curious about. Follow the peaks of interest and go from there. My friend writes a lot about this.

Changing Tides

From Force to Flow: A Story About Surrender and a Bag of Potato Chips

This piece is longer than usual, but it poured out of me and I hope it meets you where you are…

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7 months ago · 6 likes · 6 comments · Ally Bernardy

• Stay open to possibility. Maybe there’s a reason you are feeling stuck. Maybe the discomfort is trying to tell you something, to open your eyes to a completely new path. I recognize that it’s easy for me to make a plan of attack to try and claw my way out of feeling creatively inspired. But at the end of the day, things are going to be as they are. Maybe I am meant to be a writer, and maybe not. Maybe I’m going to do all of these things and still feel stagnant in my creative expression. But maybe somewhere along the way, I am going to try something new that completely opens up a new path for me. The beauty of life is that you can’t plan the next miracle. Let yourself be surprised by how good things can get; even if it’s not quite how you planned for things to go.

  

If you’re still looking for more inspiration, I adore from and from and how they talk about creativity, getting inspired, and most importantly living a full creative life OFFLINE! Here are some of my favorite posts of theirs to get started with:

apartamento 710

01. Where to find inspiration outside of the Internet

How’s winter treating you this year? I hope you are easing into these cold months and that you get a chance to slow down a bit. In my case, every year winter means that is time to go home, spend the holidays with my family and bask under the sun. This year though, will be the first time that I will not visit my family back home since I moved away 3 year…

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a year ago · 1650 likes · 23 comments · Florencia Ornelas

Popular

The Algorithm is Not Your Creative Director

POPULAR NEWS ‼️…

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2 months ago · 53 likes · 2 comments · Kel Rakowski

TELL ME! When you are feeling like you’re in a rut (creatively or otherwise), what helps you feel inspired again?

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Learn more about me and my work here. My inbox is always open for collaborations, connections, and to hear what you’re currently processing: naturallynicoletta@gmail.com.

PS: I spruced up the design and copy of my newsletter. See here!

I have packed up and started over countless times throughout my 28 years on this earth. And yet, something about this one feels different.

Back in September, when I first started seriously considering moving to Maine, I remember journaling about how this choice felt like the first choice I am making solely for myself in my entire life. I did not choose to move here because I thought I should, or because it made sense to everyone around me, or because there was a clear reason to move other than the fact that I’ve never felt so sure about a decision in my life.

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When I moved to New York three years ago, I moved because I had always wanted to live in New York City and I thought, “if not now, when?”

I moved because I liked the idea of what I thought it meant to be a New Yorker – I thought it made you tough, gritty, relevant, and a part of something so much bigger than yourself. But once I got there, no matter how hard I tried, the way of life in New York never quite felt like me. I could play the part; and I most certainly found aspects of it that I loved. But at the end of most days, I felt tired. Not in the fulfilled sort of way but in the exhausted from trying so hard to live the life I thought I was supposed to live type of way.

The past three years of living in Brooklyn were some of the most expansive, eye-opening, transformative years of my life but they wore me down. Most days I felt too overstimulated and burnt out to leave my apartment for anything other than doing the basic necessities of being a human. And the rest of the time, I walked around daydreaming about what my life would look like elsewhere. Sure I found pockets of joy and pleasure throughout my life, but it was never sustained.

The majority of my life in New York, especially towards the end of my time living there, I simply felt like I was going through the motions of the life I thought I was supposed to be living. I did everything “right” and yet, the times I felt most connected to myself over the past few years where when I left the city and explored the small towns of Upstate NY and New England. The slower pace and small town feeling felt like a breath of fresh air for my disregulated nervous system.

The clarity and path forward was there, but I didn’t want to listen to it. I was too attached to the stories I had been telling myself about the life I thought I wanted to live. For almost two years, I went back and forth on whether or not I wanted to move.

I kept thinking to myself: My life is good, great even. It’s everything I ever wanted. I have so much to be grateful for. Why can’t I just be happy with where I am?

Looking back, I can now see that it was simply a part of my process to take all of that time to decide to move. Sometimes decision making happens swiftly with one clear path forward, but others take time and require you to discern all viable options. Sometimes the process asks you to unravel the stories you have told yourself for years, look past the opinions and potential judgement of others, and find the courage to do something that disrupts the status quo of your life. It is never easy to make a choice that will likely change the trajectory of your life, but I have learned that it is almost always worth it.

Leaving the place you have called home because you know that you are meant for something else. Ending a relationship that was incredible in so many ways because it isn’t able to meet you where you want to be met. Leaving a job that provides you stability so that you can pursue the thing that truly fulfills your soul.

It takes courage to look at your life, not matter how comfortable you may feel in it, and decide that you want more for yourself. It takes guts to walk away from something that feels fine–good or great, even–and step forward into to unknown with nothing but blind trust that there is something greater out there for you to experience.

It’s been two weeks since I left New York and as much as my friends are going to hate me saying this, there is nothing about the city that I miss. Except those said friends, of course. (LOVE YA) And maybe a classic NY diner or the ability to get anything I want at absolutely any time of day.

My last month in New York was a whirlwind of processing heartbreak from a brief but deeply transformative relationship, coming to terms with the end of my chapter in New York, doing all of the things and seeing all of the people I wanted to see before I leave, and to top it all off…celebrating another lap around the sun. And somewhere within there, I packed up all of my belongings and made my way up to Maine. I also got very very sick which made for a very fun moving week. (BIG shout out to my parents who helped me, I could not have done the move without them.)

As I am slowly settling in to my new apartment, I feel like I am standing in the middle of a wide open field with nothing but land surrounding me. I don’t know who I will be in this next chapter of my life. I am in the beginning pages of a brand new story that I get to write solely for myself. There are days when that feels daunting but there are moments–like earlier this week when I drove down to the beach just after sunrise to do my morning pages–when I feel relieved by the sheer possibility and expanse of my life right now.

I am still grieving the things that I had to walk away from in order to step into this new life but I know that is a part of the process too.

In the midst of big life changes, it can be easy to feel completely disoriented and unsure of how to move forward. I’ve been taking it slowly. Cooking nourishing meals. Spending time walking around my new neighborhood. Prioritizing the things that make me feel connected to myself: movement, writing, time in connection with friends. I have dreams and visions for what I hope this season of my life to look like but I remind myself that I do not have to experience them all right now. I can take my time furnishing my apartment, savoring the early days of the first time living on my own, enjoying the process of making it feel like home. My home! Not just a room of my own, like I have had before. But an entire home, entirely my own.

I remind myself that I do not need to feel completely at ease in my life just yet. It is normal to feel growing pains as I stretch into the skin of my new life. I am meeting myself anew, just as I have countless times before, but this times feels just a little bit more sacred. I know that the newness of this life will soon wear off and I will go through my days with the same familiarity I once felt walking through my life in New York. Life is funny like that. As time passed, what once was new and unfamiliar, will become eventually worn in and as normal as the mole on your lower back or dimple on your cheek.

Choose to trust that everything in unfolding exactly as it is meant to. When you lead with your heart; allowing the whispers of your soul to guide your decision making, you never stray from the path that is meant for you. It may not make sense now, to you or to anyone else, but have faith that the bigger picture will be revealed in time. You will one day understand why these changes had to be made in order to reveal an expression of life greater and more aligned than you ever could have dreamed of.

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As I shift into this season of my life, I have noticed that the movement my body craves is shifting as well. I have been LOVING Kara Duval’s Range classes. Think somatic movement, pilates, and strength with a pace and structure that nourishes the nervous system as well. I’ve been practicing with Kara for just over a week and I don’t remember the last time I felt so in tune with my body.

Furnishing an apartment is no joke. I have been spending a lot of time on FB marketplace and found a beautiful antique drop leaf table and needlepointed chairs that match perfectly (see photo above)

I am so inspired by Rachel Sperry’s Secret Garden series at BOLD Magazine Shop in Portland. It stirred up some creative ideas for an archival project I want to work on this summer.

I have been thinking about how to bring more play and novelty into my day to day. Waking up early and bringing coffee to the beach early last Wednesday morning was really good for the soul.

Reconnecting with old friends and meeting new ones.

I’m starting a 7-month herbalism apprenticeship this week. It’s been something I’ve wanted to do for the past few years. I am soooooooooooo excited.

I am slowly, and with very little pressure, getting back into my writing practice. It feels nice. It also feels a little unfamiliar. As with most of my life right now, I’m in a season of few rules, even fewer expectations, and a whole lotta curiosity. I am open to wherever my creative practice wants to take me. Excited to see what unfolds.

I get to experience spring TWICE! The last couple of weeks in New York were filled with spring blooms and lots of allergies. And now we’re getting the same thing in Maine. How lucky am I!

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The Process is a newsletter exploring the process of self discovery through the unfiltered and honest lens of my own personal process of “doing the work.” In this newsletter, I share the inner workings of my own mind in order to, hopefully, inspire your own process and guide you to feel more connected to yourself and the life you are living. If you loved reading this and want to further support my writing, please like this post, leave a comment, share it with a friend.

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Learn more about me and my work here. My inbox is always open for collaborations, connections, and to hear what you’re currently processing: naturallynicoletta@gmail.com.

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The reality of this moment is that I am caught between two lives: the life in front of me–the one that I have outgrown, and the life just past the horizon that I have been dreaming up for two years. In this liminal season of my life, I feel as if I want to crawl out of my body and become someone new. I lay awake in my bed at night and early in the morning asking myself who I want to be and how I want to be known in this world. None of the dreams, desires, or sparks of interest that once perked my ears feel exciting so I toss back and forth between wiping the slate completely clean and forcing myself back to what I once knew.

In less than one month, I will be leaving New York.

I will be saying good bye to afternoon strolls through McGolrick Park, weekday lunches and co-working with my friends (hiii ), golden hour ferry rides, and spending too much time waiting for the G train to arrive. I am walking away from an endless to-do list of restaurants, galleries, activities to do and people to meet. After three years of tending to the life that I spent so many years of my life dreaming up, I am turning the page to a new chapter.

When I had imagined the final weeks of my time in New York, I dreamed of sultry evenings with martinis at a jazz club or piano bar or swanky NYC institution. I thought I would be running around ticking off every place that had been on my never-ending list, forcing myself to finally visit the MET Cloisters or ride the Roosevelt Island Tram. I expected myself to be excited to savor every little thing that will no longer be available to me. Even though I have been unhappy in this life for months (...or like at least a year?), there was a part of me that thought that leaving would be the magic trick to feel excited about this city again. But instead, I find myself stuck at home daydreaming about the future ahead of me, and feeling bad about myself for not doing more.

There is a part of me that feels like I should be “making the most” of what little time I have left in this chapter of my life. I want to savor this moment before it moves onto the next but I find it difficult because my mind has been packed and ready to go for months. So much of my life in New York has been flavored by the feeling that I ought to be doing more than I am–a feeling that no matter what I do, I am not good enough. I’m either resting too much, or not enough. Spending too much money out in the world experiencing life or withering away, wasting my life at home in the comfort of my apartment. For my mind, and the stories that have shaped my relationship with New York, nothing will ever be good enough. But what if it is? What if I have always been enough?

As I venture towards this new chapter of my life, I no longer want to be plagued by the belief that I am not enough. The work to unravel this storyline may take me lifetimes to rewrite. And I know it will follow me wherever I go, but as my final act in this chapter of my life I want to do things differently.

I want to allow myself to be where I am, without any guilt or expectation that I “should” be doing anything else. If I feel tired, I want to rest. If I feel social, I want to schedule time with my friends. If I want to venture out into the world and tackle my list of galleries, hidden bookstores, and the quintessential Manhattan dining experiences, then I want to do that with no feeling of obligation that doing those things will make or break the last few weeks of my life in New York.

Perhaps this season of my life is not about “making the most” of my time left but rather giving myself the space to be with myself through this intense change. What if my output and productivity was not my marker of success but rather my state of presence and ability to sit with the vast array of emotions coming up? To witness myself as I grieve a life I once loved, a life that I spent my entire childhood yearning for. How do I remain present to the experience of life, even when it is different than I had hoped or imagined? How do I give myself grace and compassion when my best doesn’t feel good enough and I know I could be doing so much more?

I feel tender, vulnerable, and impatient as I sit here waiting for my life to change. I think back to the version of myself three years ago–in my bedroom at my parent’s house in Kentucky, I dreamed about my life in New York and what this chapter of my life would look like for me. As life would have it, it was everything and nothing at all like what I had imagined. There was no way that that version of me could have known what was in store for me…just like I have no way of knowing what this next unknown will bring me. What a gift that is.

When I allow my mind to drift off in the future, I see a wide ocean full of endless possibilities. I no longer feel the sureness I once felt about myself or life but that is okay. My time in New York has shaped me in ways that no other city could, and has peeled back so many layers of who I thought I was, leaving me an almost blank slate to start this next chapter anew.The vision of the next chapter of my life is still taking shape, but I feel grounded in the knowing that I am no stranger to change and the vast unknown ahead of me will soon become my new normal. I will walk towards the next chapter of my life with courage and faith that when you follow the whisper of your soul and yearning of your heart, you will never be pulled in the wrong direction.

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Reading the newsletter I wrote days before my move to New York three years ago. I’m not surprised to see so many of the same feelings I am feeling now in those words.

Prioritizing all of the people I want to spend time with – rather than overwhelm myself with an endless to-do list of things to do before I leave. Last week I went to Barney Greengrass with my dear friend and last night I had dinner with at Vinegar Hill House. I can still (slowly, but surely) make my way through my list but it feels more nourishing to do that with the people I love.

This piece from stopped me in my tracks. I re-read it like five times and kept coming back to this line:

Reminding myself I do not have to earn my own time. I do not have to spend it well. I can simply exist in the present moment. In fact, it’s all I can do.

I just finished reading The Extinction of Experience by Christine Rosen and have Michael Pollan’s new book, A World Appears waiting for me on my bedside table.

I went on a seven mile hike with my best friend over the weekend and it was the first time in months that my nervous system has felt settled. About an hour or so in, we were walking in silence and I vividly remember thinking, “All of the chatter in my mind has quieted down. Is this was it feels like to be regulated?” Needless to say, I am VERY excited to move to Maine and have easier access to so much beautiful nature.

What has been inspiring your process lately?

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Everyday I find myself lost in the daydream of what’s right around the corner for my life. The vision I have been dreaming of for what my life could be feels closer than ever and yet I feel more disconnected than ever to myself with little motivation or desire to continue tending to the life that is right in front of me.

Similar to how eager I feel to get to spring, I feel a haste to settle into my new life without properly saying goodbye to my current one. Rushing the transition from one life to the next is mostly due to excitement and eagerness for the potential of what has yet to come, but also in fear for what I am leaving behind. While the fear of the unknown no longer plagues my decisions to move forward, there are whispers in my mind that question my decision to leave a place that has been so good to me–to move on from a life that is rich with opportunity, community, familiarity. I know that if I keep myself busy planning for the future, I am able to bypass the parts of me that are afraid to let go of a reality I have known for so long and everything that comes with it.

I find myself scrolling, numbing out, and avoiding alone time because I am worried that if I slow down even for a minute the forward momentum will stop and I will be left to fend for myself in the void of the unknown. Because as much as I can distract myself looking at apartment rentals, creating Pinterest boards for said future apartment, or making a list of all of the things I want to do once I move to Maine, there is always a possibility that my fantasy for this new life does not live up to my expectations. There’s a possibility that I will miss the things that I currently take for granted about my life now and wish that I could go back to how things are now. And as sure as I am to make this move, I think I have been avoiding the truth that I am also really fucking sad to be closing out this chapter of my life. There is a grief in letting go of something that has, so intimately, shaped you into who you are today.

My plans for the next few months are open ended – my timeline for moving is not solidified but there is certainty that it is happening. I feel excited and eager and ready to get to the next chapter of my life but I also feel a deep sadness for what I am leaving behind. And even if it’s uncomfortable, I want to remain present during this transition to feel the entire spectrum of big emotions that will inevitably come up for me. I want to make sure that I move forward so firmly rooted in myself so that I can move through this transition with as much presence as possible. That will require me to be honest with myself about the ways in which I have been avoiding, numbing, and abandoning myself and instead, intentionally prioritize the things that I know bring me closer to myself.

When I return to myself I am reminded of the truth that no matter what happens, I will always be okay. I have everything I need and I am more than prepared to tackle whatever challenges this next season of my life will bring. It can be easy to distract yourself from whatever discomfort is coming up in this current moment by fixating on what is right around the corner or the thing you have recently left behind, but I implore you to sit still and witness the gentle unfolding of life in this present moment. Settle into the knowing that everything is happening perfectly on time. The snow will melt and the temperatures will rise and before you know it, it will be the peak of summer and you will be wishing for those short, dark days of winter to give you the permission to simply be.

Whether you are moving through a life transition or simply are looking to return to yourself after a season of getting caught up in the whirlwind of life, here are my tried and true practices to gently return to myself and move forward in life with a greater sense of grounding and presence:

1. I give myself permission to be where I am. The first step to anything is acknowledging and accepting where you are currently at. As a certified perfectionist, I have a tendency to be very hard on myself. I expect myself to feel good 24/7, always have the answers, and never “fall off track.” I’ve learned that the harder I am on myself, the deeper I fall into the spiral of disconnection from myself.

Ask yourself: What would it look like to find acceptance for where you’re currently at in life? Maybe it’s not where you want to be–and certainly not where you need to stay forever–but how can you be okay with things as they are? What if you are doing your best and that is more than enough?

2. I reflect on what led me to feeling disconnected from myself. Once I get to a place of acceptance of the things I have been feeling and ways in which I want that to change, I take responsibility for the role I’ve played in my own suffering. In the gentlest way, I get honest about why and where I’ve abandoned myself, what actions have led me to feeling disconnected, and the needs I haven’t been tending to.

Ask yourself: Where have I been focusing my attention lately? Have the things I have been focused on been bringing me closer or further away from myself? What needs have I been ignoring? How can I take responsibility for the ways I have been feeling–and what has been out of my control?

3. I return to the practices that connect me to myself. I have spent over 8 years cultivating a toolbox of practices that ground me in my relationship to self and guide me to return to myself. For me that looks like, morning pages, meditation, yoga, ceremony, slowing down, spending time in nature. Without these practices, I would be floating through life without an anchor or purpose that grounds me into my life. Find the things that work for you – the practices that allow you to connect to the deepest parts of yourself without the distraction or influence of the external world. I look to practices that can be done anywhere, with little effort–the more accessible it is for me, the more likely I am to stick to them. Find what works for you in this season of yourself. Allow your practices to support you, not confine you to one singular way of being or healing.

Ask yourself: What activities make me feel most connected to myself? What is something I can devote 10-15 minutes daily to in effort to connect more deeply to myself? When do I feel most myself? What do I need to listen to my deepest internal whispers? What naturally quiets the internal chatter?

4. I reach out to the people that bring out the best in me. While many of the things I do to connect to myself encourage me to turn inward, spending quality time with the people I love (and who love and truly SEE me) is one of the most effective ways for me to get out of my head and back into feeling like myself. Sometimes I need to let others into my process, especially when it feels messy, to remind myself not to be so hard on myself and that I don’t have to go through life alone and there will always be people in my corner. I am lucky to have so many incredible people in my life who listen to my endless loops of processing, aren’t afraid to call me out on my bullshit, and mirror back the parts of me that are sometimes hard for me to see.

Ask yourself: Who are the people that make you feel most like yourself? Who can you turn to when you need a little extra support in your life? What would it look like to invite others into your process rather than trudging through the work on your own? What relationships have you felt distant from lately? What is one small way to feel more connected to the people in your life?

5. I connect to the sacredness and magic of life through ritual. When I am feeling disconnected from myself, it is usually because I have stopped looking for the magic of life. I feel bored by my everyday life and tend to spiral about everything that’s going wrong rather than focusing my attention on what’s going right. This week I went to a ceremony led by Mona at be-shen and it gave me the container to connect to myself through ceremony and ritual. There was a beautiful altar, a deep meditation, and the time to slow down and sit with myself in a space that felt sacred. Ritual brings presence and intention into otherwise normal parts of life. When I slow down and choose to see the magic in something simple like drinking a cup of tea or spending a few moments focusing on my breath, I feel more embodied in my divine presence and the beauty of each passing moment.

Ask yourself: What are normal, mundane moments throughout your day that you usually rush through or take for granted? How can you slow down and find a deeper sense of presence or sacredness in those moments? What is something that you can do to make your life, as it is right now, feel special?

6. I give myself space and prioritize solitude, even when it feels uncomfortable. When I feel disconnected from myself, I know that it is usually a sign that I have not been prioritizing quality time with myself. Not time alone scrolling on my couch after dinner or voice messaging a friend or distracting myself in every way I know how, but intentional time spent in compassionate inquiry with myself. Sometimes it feels uncomfortable, like I have forgotten how to sit still. But oftentimes, it is the very medicine I need to open a channel of conversation with myself and begin to listen for the whispers of guidance leading me back home to myself.

Ask yourself: When was the last time you had quality time with yourself? How does it feel to sit alone with yourself, with no distractions? What is something that you can do to prioritize space and time with yourself? What stories do you have about solitude? How can you carve out time for more intentional solitude?

And at the very end of the day, I try to remind myself that life is an endless cycle of returning home to yourself. There’s nothing wrong with you if you feel a bit disconnected, falling into a loop of distraction, or are unsure of whether or not you’re ready for the next season of life. All we can do is try our best to show up everyday for ourselves, for those around us, and for the life that we are living. You are doing more than enough. You are ready. You will find your way again. Step into the life of your dreams with confidence and know that everything is unfolding exactly as it is supposed to.

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As I began to know the version of myself that was not trying so hard to be everything she thought she was supposed to be, I realized that the things that make me, me are not necessarily about the things I do. I am still me, even when I don’t write this newsletter. Or show up as the perfect friend. Or say yes to every invitation I am given. I am not a bad person for saying no, or expressing a need or boundary. I am allowed to let people down and walk away from things that do not feel supportive and god forbid change my mind about the future I want to build for myself.

It is up to me to decide who I want to be, how I want to live my life, and what I want my future to look like. I don’t have to play by the rules of the stories that I have always told myself about who I need to be or who the world has told me I must aspire to be. I am allowed to choose. I can wake up everyday and decide, “this is who I want to be.” I don’t even have to explain why or prove to the world why that choice is good enough. In the past year, I have learned the simple truth that life is not about proving to the world that you are good enough. It is about living, experiencing life. It’s about being in the world, engaging in each moment as it comes. The purpose of life is not to do everything right, but to let yourself be human. It is to allow yourself to make mistakes, and know that you are still more than worthy when you do. The purpose of life is to experience and explore and try your best but not a single soul is ever asking you to be perfect.

In the past year of stepping away from so many things that I thought inherently made me into who I am, I discovered a deeper love and appreciation for an even fuller embodiment of myself. I learned that by expecting myself to constantly show up as the “perfected” version of myself, I never actually gave myself the permission to be the version of myself who does not meet (or exceed) the high expectations I’ve always set. I never allowed myself to know, and love, the version of myself that does not feel good enough on her own. So no wonder, no matter how hard I tried and no matter how “perfect” I made myself, I never felt good enough. In trying to protect myself from experiencing rejection for the parts of myself I deemed “not enough”, I reinforced those beliefs because I hid away from those parts of myself too.

It takes courage to do things differently. It takes even more courage to face the parts of yourself that you have kept locked away safely for most of your life. Maybe there will always be those parts of yourself that feel hard to share with the world but I am learning that the more courageous you can be to show up as boldly and authentically as yourself, the bigger an opportunity you give yourself to heal to the wounds that taught you to keep yourself hidden in the first place. And maybe, just maybe, one day you will feel safe enough to show up fully in this world and know that you are perfectly worthy and enough just as you are, and always have been.

My guiding word for 2026 is courage. While my tarot card of the year is The World (!!!), I’ve been thinking a lot about the Strength card. Years ago, a friend described it with the prompt, “what would it look like to show up to life with an unguarded heart?” What would my life look and feel like if I wasn’t constantly trying so hard to protect myself from getting hurt or making a mistake? What if I trusted myself, trusted the world around me, and trusted the path of my life to bring me my greatest gifts?

To soften into the experience of being human and the courage it takes to be alive and show up authentically as you are, takes guts. But if you want to change your life, you must do things differently than you have done before. You must step courageously into the unknown–towards the parts of yourself that have yet to be explored. This requires you to hold out hope that a better future is possible…for yourself. For us all.

What would it look and feel like to show up to your life with an unguarded heart?

Where in your life do you feel like you need to show up perfectly? What is being perfect protecting you from?

What are the parts of yourself that don’t feel good enough? When did you first start believing that that part of yourself was not good enough? How has that belief been reinforced throughout your life?

What is your biggest dream for 2026? What can you do to take a small or big step towards that dream this month?

I spent the first two weeks of December pet sitting four dogs and two cats. I don’t think I’ve ever felt happier, more loved, or more content. It was an incredible way to end the year.

I went to the MoMa last weekend and loved this Matisse. And Ruth Awasa?! Oof. What a talent.

If you are looking for a book to help you embrace change, handle uncertainty, and learn to navigate a world of increasing instability, AQ comes out this week.

Want a peek inside of my 2026 vision board?

I can’t stop listening to Joni Mitchell.

THE MOST BEAUTIFUL CERAMICS from one of my favorite Maine artists.

Donate to the Immigrant Rapid Response Fund

I am leaving behind NYC this spring, leaving behind an identity that I have held closely to my heart for as long as I’ve known. More on that later but for now I am savoring all of the last moments I have with this city I’ve always called home.

Welcome to the year of the fire horse. Are you ready to take charge of your own life?

May you find the courage you need to step fully into your life and towards all of the dreams that feel just beyond the horizon.

I’ve missed writing to you. Tell me what new in your world.

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It’s like having that favorite piece of clothing that you wear day after day, reaching for it every chance you get, but one day try it on and it no longer fits like it once did. The sleeves sit differently on your shoulders or you no longer love the color that once felt like your entire personality. Maybe it got worn out, or out of style, or maybe nothing about the article of clothing changed. Maybe it’s you who changed.

When that happens, do you force yourself to wear the sweater you once loved so much, do you hold onto it just in case you change your mind again or do you move on to something new that feels more like you in this season of your life?

When I set out to unravel my people pleasing and perfectionism at the beginning of the year, I did not realize that it would unravel so much of the way I show up to my life. I did not realize that being a curated, perfected version of myself was so tightly wound up within my identity and the ways I express myself. I didn’t have the awareness to see that so many of the practices I had to care for myself and for others, were performative and perpetuated the stories I held around perfectionism. Oof.

As the walls of my perfectionism began to come crashing down, I was left with the stories I told myself about who I was, who I was supposed to be, and how I was supposed to show up to my life. From here, I took an honest inventory of my life – from the friends I spend my time with and share my inner world with to my relationship with showing up online. I began to move away from anything that fed into the narratives I have around being “good.” I stopped writing this newsletter just because I felt like I should. I stepped away from friendships that felt transactional or one-sided. I put my foot on the brakes for a lot of my life – practices, socializing, forcing myself to “make the most” of my life in New York. Through this, I allowed myself to come up against the edge of what I thought made me “good” versus “bad” and actively rewrite that story to see perfection in both.

It’s scary to move let go of what once was. It’s disorienting to wake up one day and realize that you no longer feel aligned with the ways you spend your free time, the company you keep, the containers through which you express yourself, or the place you call your home. Everything was perfectly fine yesterday, what changed? I did.

Embracing change requires trust in the unknown. It requires courage to choose different and begin again. It forces you to become acquainted with not knowing all of the answers. You can choose to hold on for dear life and try to replicate what once worked for you, or you can sit back, listen and settle into the stillness of being in the in-between.

I have been moving through this process on my own, rather than sharing the intricacies of it online. As someone who has shared much of her life online for the better part of eight years, it has been freeing to move through my process without any pressure to expedite the integration to pack it up neatly into a simple 1,000 word newsletter for the world to read.

Through the unraveling of my perfectionism, and the need to perform the role of who I thought I should be, I have had little desire to take my process out of the sacred container of my relationship to self. In a radical act against my own mind who tells me stories about who I should be that are based on external influence and validation, it feels like a breath of fresh air to live life simply for myself.

I may not feel pulled to share online as much as I once did but there is still a certainty in my heart that knows I am mean to share myself and my life with the world. The future of this newsletter is unclear to me but I am letting myself be okay with sitting in that liminal space. I am giving myself permission to dream about new containers for my self expression and expand beyond the comforts of what I know already works for me. I can feel something new taking shape and I am savoring the process of allowing it to take shape in its own time.

I hope you can honor wherever you are currently at in your process. Allow it to be fluid. Give yourself permission to change your mind, to take a break, to try something new. There is limitless potential in this life and you are never stuck, you may just need to shift your perspective. Thank you for being here with me.

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I’m obsessed with the fact that Mac Demarco is living his best life building wells and learning amish farming techniques

My friend, Tommy, and I went to a Splish Splash, a water park on Long Island, last month and it quite literally healed my inner child.

I really have been loving Are.na

On resisting the expectations of others

This is one of the coolest websites I’ve ever seen

Normalize having hobbies that don’t scale

My roommate and I blocked off parking spots outside of our apartment and threw an impromptu labor day block party. More people need to host casual hangs! Invite friends of friends or strangers you meet on the street! Stop taking life so seriously! We don’t need to perfectly curate every gathering!

Not posting on social media. For like months. Bring back the mystery. It feels sacred to keep my life to myself, rather than sharing every part of it online. What a concept. (my scorpio rising is living for this era of Nikki)

I have been reading a really great book on Jungian dream work

I love ’s videos about what he’s learning lately. It’s short form content that actually feels like it adds value to my life / sparks inspiration in my own life. Big fan of everything he’s doing on the interwebs :-)

I was gifted a box of Raazi Tea’s turmeric ginger blend and I absolutely love it. I like to have a cup of tea instead of coffee first thing in the morning and this has been my latest hyper fixation. Thank you, !

What has been inspiring your process lately?

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PS – It feels really nice to take away the pressure of publishing consistently. And of always working on a creative project. Sometimes I get so caught up flurry of what feels like everyone shoving their creative endeavors and big life accomplishments and projects in your face that I forget the point of life is to live. TO LIVE. And there are no rules on how exactly to do that. I get to create the rules of my own life. And so do you! I am not here to “make something of myself” or to prove my value to the world. I can enjoy life just for the sake of enjoying it and create when I feel called to create and that is more than enough. What a fucking concept. I’m not sure when I’ll write again but just know that you’re in my heart and I’m only ever an email away <3

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While I have always been a Certified Daydreamer™, I wasn’t introduced to the practice of imaginary lives until my first go around with The Artist’s Way in 2020. In it, Julia Cameron writes, “If you had five other lives to lead, what would you do in each of them? … Whatever occurs to you, jot it down. Do not overthink this exercise. The point of these lives is to have fun in them––more fun than you might be having in this one.” This exercise prompts readers to dream their biggest dreams, get out of the limits of what’s realistic or practical and into the whimsical dreams of their inner artist.

The first time I asked myself this question, the imaginary lives I chose looked something like this: a Buddhist nun living in a monastery, the next big self-help sorta spiritual thought leader like Liz Gilbert or Brené Brown or Tara Brach, a digital nomad traveling the world, a farm to table chef with a cozy all-day cafe and a hippie dippie, astrology loving, yogi living in Hawaii or Costa Rica or Bali (somewhere tropical and expat-y lol).

I didn’t immediately renounce all of my worldly desires to become a nun, or go to culinary school to become a chef but I did use these lives as information to inform the choices I would make over the next few years. I spent three years as a digital nomad–studying astrology while living in Hawaii, taking several courses, training, and retreats on Buddhism, meditation, and yoga. I prioritized taking cooking classes and creative courses while I was bopping around from city to city. While I didn’t necessarily make any of those imaginary lives my end all, be all, I did explore aspects of each of them so that I could bring my current life closer to the reality of the lives my soul was dreaming of.

I often find myself dreaming about my imaginary lives as if they were alternate universes I could immediately transport to as soon as I close my eyes. They give me information about the things in life I am curious about and aspects of my personality I want to tap into and explore. They also remind me that life is expansive, and I can always choose a new path. In moments when I feel stuck or stagnant in my own life, this practice feels expansive and exciting to remember that it is never too late to craft up a new dream. When things in my life feel stale, I ask myself, “What imaginary life would I rather be living?”

Maybe the answer to that question prompts a realization that leads to a big life change or encourages you to finally get that trip on the calendar or sign up for the course you have been wanting to take. Maybe it simply encourages you to try out a new hobby or prioritize an aspect of your life that has been going untouched. When utilizing the practice of imaginary lives, it is important to remember that we are never that far away from the lives that we want to live, sometimes it just requires us to get creative and out of the auto-pilot of our day to day lives.

Here’s how I am currently working with my most present imaginary lives–I go through seasons of wanting different things from life and it is always interesting to see the themes that come up when I ask myself this question. Often, it points me in the directions of something I might be missing or craving more of in my life. Let’s start with what comes up when I ask myself, what imaginary lives would I love to live?

1. Herbalist living on a homestead in Maine

2. Chef living on a beautiful countryside in Italy or England or anywhere with beautiful, rolling hills

3. Anthony Bourdaine-esq (with more a wellness focus) travel writer

4. Owner of an artists residency / retreat space / sanctuary

5. Owner of an all-day cafe with a bookstore and wine bar

6. And finally, I would love to become a DJ (I think I am saving side quest for my 30s)

When I look at these as a whole, a few things immediately come to my attention: food, wellness, slow living, creating, and creating an intention space curated for connection. While I do seriously consider moving to Maine at least once a month, I also really love my life in New York and am not in a place to completely uproot everything. So how do I incorporate elements of these lives into my every day?

Thankfully, many of these lives are ones I have already planted seeds for:

• Travel writing with , which I plan on starting back up this month.

• Self study of Herbalism and writing

• Exploring other artists residencies and retreat spaces to one day use for inspiration. (Salmon Creek Farm, Atland Residency, Sosta House, Flamingo House, Casa Lawa and Bloom Farm are biiiiiiiig expanders)

• Same thing with all-day cafes (GEM and Cafe Trucha and Ojdå stay in my mind rent free)

And here some things that I would like to keep on my radar, inspired by the imaginary lives:

• A cooking course abroad: I’ve got my eyes on Ballymaloe in Ireland and Anna Tasca Lanza in Sicily.

• Prioritizing more of my time experimenting in the kitchen with the beautiful summer produce coming into season

• Taking a class or workshop on urban gardening – who said I can’t start my homestead while living in Brooklyn?

• Advancing my study of herbalism with a program like Land of Verse’s Community Herbalist Certification

• Maybe I even entertain the idea of getting a part-time job somewhere like GEM or From Lucie or With Others or Dinner Party to get hands-on experience at a space that is similar to something I would love to create.

I know that I could live any of these lives if I wanted to but for now, I am simply using them as an anchor to move in the general direction of those dreams. I am not ready to buy property or start a big business venture or give up my life in New York to completely start fresh somewhere new but I am excited to incorporate elements of these imaginary lives into my life right now.

It motivates me to think about all of the things that I could experience and accomplish and create in this life – and to reflect on all that I have already done. This practice informs the books I read, the extracurriculars I prioritize, the classes I take, the trips I plan, and so much more. It’s not about abandoning your life for a new one (although that certainly is an option), but rather using these imaginary lives as an anchor for the choices you make in your day to day life. By picking a few to focus on, I eliminate the overwhelm I feel when thinking about everything I want to experience in life. The opportunities in life will always be endless, so if I had to focus on a few, which would I choose first?

I once dreamt about the life I am living now–for years, I dreamed of a life in New York City. At the time, I saw myself as a Rockette or big Broadway star which obviously did not happen, but I’m glad things played out the way they did. I am writing to you from a cozy cafe in North Greenpoint that reminds me of a spot I visited when I was in Rome, or one that you would find tucked away on a random street in Paris. I am lucky to live in a city that allows me to visit my imaginary lives with ease, and one that gives me the freedom to choose something new everyday. My imaginary lives inspire me to dream bigger for myself, to remember that it is never too late to dream a new dream for myself. Trust that you will know when it is time to move on to the next imaginary life and until then, use this question as inspiration for yourself to create a reality for yourself that feels expansive and inspiring everyday.

What imaginary lives would you love to live?

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If you liked this, you might also enjoy:

Moving Towards The Resistance
You Don’t Have to Start Over Next Year
Waiting for Inspiration

Everything in The Process is a real-time snippet into my internal world – how I process experiences and emotions, the tools and practices I use, and the perspectives that help me to see the beauty in the experience of “doing the work”. I share the inner workings of my own mind in order to, hopefully, inspire your own process and guide you to feel more connected to yourself and the life you are living. Thank you so much for being here and allowing me inside of your process. Read all past editions here.

It is the beginning of summer, temperatures are up into the triple digits, and just two days ago I was writing a draft of this newsletter to you that I thought would be my last. It’s been nearly two months of giving myself permission to step away from my writing practice and I have to admit that it has felt good.

It has felt like a relief to let myself enjoy the experience of my life without feeling like I needed to capture every moment into a witty note or photo dump or meaningful essay. While so much of my process is supported by the practice of writing, it was freeing to remind myself that I am allowed to simply show up and experience my life without adding pressure to make sense of it in a timely manner.

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I wish that I could tell you that after taking two months off, I feel refreshed and ready to return to the practice but that’s not the case. As with most things in life, it feels easier to step away from the resistance than to actually work through it.

So there comes a decision I have to make – do I move towards the resistance or away from it?

I am often of the path of least resistance mindset but it is important to understand when your growth requires friction. Last week, when I was journaling about the resistance I was feeling towards my newsletter, I spent three pages whining about the stories I was telling myself about the resistance: I’m not good enough, everyone is better than me, no one cares what I have to say, I should just give up before I waste more time on this. But then I asked myself, if you feel so strongly that you should let this thing go, why haven’t you already?

Clear as day the answer came in: I don’t want to.

I settled on the conclusion that I believe in the process. I believe in the things I am sharing. I believe in the impact my voice has. I may be going through an existential crisis about how I want to share and what exactly I have to say but that is a part of the process. That is the exact messy, real, and raw part of the process that I want to share with my audience.

At the end of the day, even though it feels like moving through mud to get this newsletter out to you, I want to stick with it. I want to move towards the resistance because I believe that working through it will unlock the learnings needed to get to the next season of my process.

It is your work to decide when to stay and when to let go.

When I feel resistant to something in my life, especially when it is somewhere I once felt ease, I stay curious. I use the resistance as information to learn more about what needs are not being met, what stories I am telling myself about this situation, and what I truly want to do moving forward. I don’t always immediately jump to action when I get the insight that something might be timing out of my life. I stay curious. I gather information. I notice how I’m feeling. I pay attention where else my attention is being pulled. I’ve learned that sometimes I just want to give up on a project when I’m feeling tired or frustrated and what I actually just need a break. But sometimes you take a break and the feeling that something isn’t working persists and that information tells you that it may be time to move on to something new.

Resistance is never comfortable but often can be our greatest teacher and key to unlocking the next stage in your process. Just like when you are riding a bike, you need the tension on the gears to get you over the hill. How can you use resistance to propel you into a greater life than you thought was possible?

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If you are unsure of whether or not it is time to move on, here are ten questions I ask myself to orient away from the stories I am telling myself about the resistance and towards the insights of this resistance:

꩜ What is it that I am feeling resistant towards?

꩜ What is it that I am really feeling resistant towards? What feelings, emotions, stories are coming up for me?

꩜ What information is this resistance telling me? About myself, about a situation, about the world?

꩜ How would I rather be spending my energy, if not on this?

꩜ How would my life be impacted if I let go of this thing? What would I lose? What would I gain?

꩜ What option feels expansive and inspiring? And if you can’t answer that, what are you most curious about in this season of your life? Where would you rather be focusing your attention?

꩜ What decision would take me closer towards the life of my dreams?

꩜ How can I approach this situation from a different perspective? Is there something you can do to unlock more ease and excitement about the thing you are feeling resistant towards?

꩜ Am I ready to accept what it means to truly let go?

꩜ If not, what needs to change in order for me to find a bit of ease?

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This summer I want to return to what inspires me – to what feels fun and exciting.

I want to create for the pure pleasure of creating. I want to share simply for the joy of sharing something beautiful, not to accumulate hundreds of likes and eyeballs on the things I am sharing. I want to be inspired by the life I am living and let that be the vessel that fuels my art. I want to play and find the spark that first brought me to the practice. I want to return to the things that create excitement in my soul. I do not want to move forward if moving forward means doing things because I think I should or doing things the way that others are doing them. If I am going to move past this resistance, it means doing things my way and giving myself permission for that way to be messy and honest and raw, just the way I want my life to be.

It takes courage to walk away from something that is no longer working in your life but it also takes courage to decide to work through the resistance and stay even when things get tough. There is no right or wrong decision, only the one that will be most supportive to you in this season of your life. Be kind and gentle with yourself. And always remember, invite joy into the spaces where resistance lives and see how that can transform it.

Until next time, my friend.

A FRAMEWORK FOR FEELING STUCK: Here’s the framework I used to get myself out of the spiral of overthinking, avoidance, and perfectionism that led me to write five drafts of this newsletter. I knew I wanted to write but I wasn’t clear on what exactly I wanted to say. I knew I wanted to move forward but I wasn’t sure how. So I got curious, I got clear on what wasn’t working, I took time away to get out of my “should” brain, and then I tried approaching things in a new way, with more joy, and with tiny action steps that helped me to get to the place where I should press send. If you’re stuck in a state of freeze, start with small, actionable steps that lead you in the direction of your desired outcome.

SUMMER BUCKET LIST: A low effort way to make sure I don’t spend my entire summer scrolling on my phone trying to plan the perfect summer. Some items include: riding the Coney Island ferris wheel, finding a hidden swimming hole upstate, having an ice cream sundae party, and saying yes to any opportunity to dance. What’s on your summer bucket list?

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COMING OUT OF MY SOCIAL HIBERNATION: One of the biggest points of tension I have been feeling with my newsletter is feeling little desire to write about myself. I originally started this newsletter to write about my process in order to inspire yours but I want to expand on that idea to provide even more insights and perspectives on the process. This summer, I’ll be interviewing some of the people in my life that I admire most about their process. In The Process is coming soon 👀

HOMEMADE SYRUPS: When it’s this hot outside, I need more than water to quench my thirst. Lately, I have been loving adding homemade fruit syrups and citrus to sparkling water to create the most refreshing iced bevy. Simply add desired fruit to a sauce pan with a touch of water and sweeter of your choice, simmer for 15 min, and then strain. I’ve made a strawberry syrup that I add with lemon juice for a strawberry lemonade, elderberry syrup and seltzer for a boost to my immune system, and cherry syrup with lime juice for the ultimate limeade.

TICKLING MY EARS: Summer is my favorite season for music and I have not been able to turn off:

STUDYING: When the Chani app tells me there’s supportive energy in my 9th house, which is all about studying and foreign travel, I take it seriously. I didn’t love school but I love learning. I am currently planning out my curriculum for the summer and fall and I think it’ll include: an essay writing masterclass, spanish classes, and maybe a fun class from the Strother School of Radical Attention (courses on flirting, pop fandoms, and peacemaking?! Sign me up.)

YEARNING AS A SYMPTOM OF ABUNDANCE: I am in the practice of wanting more, for myself, from others, from the experience of my life. While I am grateful to be content with the way things are, I am constantly stretching the muscle to dream of more for myself. Not in the unnecessary, mindless accumulation of things but in the way that sees everyday as an opportunity to experience more of this human experience. I loved this read, .

Museguided

Hungry For MORE

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a year ago · 3069 likes · 310 comments · Tamara

ALSO ON RESISTANCE: and I must be on some similar wavelength because I opened my inbox, right before this newsletter was scheduled to be sent, and I saw her latest piece on overwhelm and resistance and I thought it would be the perfect compliment for this.

Sacred Vessel

how to start when everything feels overwhelming

I notice how resistance crawls back in. I see it in the smallest things, in all the small decisions I postpone. Easy to overlook until they gather and become the big pink elephant in the room…

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a year ago · Liz Galarza

CURRENTLY READING:

If you liked this, you might also enjoy:

Just Another Email in Your Inbox
The Art of Saying No
Falling Away from Your Practices

Everything in The Process is a real-time snippet into my internal world – how I process experiences and emotions, the tools and practices I use, and the perspectives that help me to see the beauty in the experience of “doing the work”. I share the inner workings of my own mind in order to, hopefully, inspire your own process and guide you to feel more connected to yourself and the life you are living. Thank you so much for being here and allowing me inside of your process. Read all past editions here.

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I have 51 unread newsletters waiting to be opened in my email inbox and it makes me wonder, will this newsletter become just another email in your inbox? I’m not mad that more and more people are feeling empowered to share their words, their art, and their curated recommendations through platforms that make it easy to write and send a newsletter, like Substack. But I do wonder about information overload and the fatigue that comes from constantly consuming ideas and perspectives that are not your own.

I try to only subscribe to newsletters I really love, writers I look up to, or pieces that spark the curiosity of my inner artist. But when I spend more of my day reading (consuming) than I do writing (creating), the line in my mind between what I feel inspired to share and what I think I should be inspired to share becomes blurry.

I open up an email with 10+ links of things I should buy or trips that I should take and my mind becomes riddled with new directions my life could take, envy for the things I don’t have, and hundreds ideas for ways that my life could be better, my writing could improve, or my story could be more inspiring.

I hardly have time to read the books on my shelf, let alone the newsletters in my inbox, and I wonder, how do I make the space and time for my own ideas and inspiration to find me rather than constantly being bombarded by an online and offline reality that is an endless supply of new, more, better?

Not only that, but I wonder about the ways I am contributing to this predicament.

With every newsletter send or photo I post online, I am inviting you to stay engaged with your devices – keeping your inbox open ready for another hit of dopamine, your phone positioned directly in front of your face, waiting for an temporary feeling of connection. I offer you ideas of places to add to your google maps list, books to add to your cart, beautiful scenery and places that for whatever reason, are better than whatever moment you are living right now.

I’m not saying to not read my emails (unless that feels like a supportive move for you, I will not take it personally). But I am saying: in this day and age of being hyper online and over-available to the digital world, prioritize cultivating your IRL life more than you do your online life. If you notice that your time is filled with nothing but replying to emails and reading newsletters, I encourage you to fill the time you would spend online with meaningful interactions in the real world instead of distracting yourself with the abyss of the digital world.

Print out the newsletters that land in your inbox and read them at a coffee shop. Ask an online friend who lives in your city to hang IRL, or if they live across the globe, schedule a Facetime call. Delete the apps and allow yourself to scroll only when you’re on your laptop (not as fun when it’s not a tiny device burning holes into your retinas). Smile at strangers, talk to the person sitting next to you on the subway. Instead of asking AI to answer the biggest questions that swirl through your mind, ask the elders in your life, ask yourself and listen to the answer that arises, ask your question to the ether and wait for the universe to answer. Engage with the world around you and the life you are living – not just the curation of what you think the perfect life should be.

Get lost in your life, rather than sucked into the artificial bubble of online life that falsely promises belonging, connection, and all of the answers you’ve ever had questions to. Connect back to yourself. Feel your feet firmly planted in the ground and remember that this this physical world is the real life. The moment that is in front of you is enough. You are enough. Your real life is not a perfectly curated carousel of 20 pictures but a million+ beautiful, messy, unpredictable passing moments that make up the mosaic of your life.

Close your eyes, take a breath, put your phone (or laptop) away. Get outside. Call a friend. Connect with yourself and the real world around you. The unread emails in your inbox will still be there waiting for you when you return.

How do you balance being online versus offline in your life?

What ways can you bridge the gap between your online and offline worlds? How can you take the experience of being online and translate that into offline experiences?

How do you trust in the moments of transition? What grounds you when you are moving from one season to the next? How do you enjoy the process, without rushing to the next destination?

Newsletters from my friends and writers I admire that play off of and add additional perspectives and thoughts to the themes I’m currently processing.

Second Rodeo

I muted you on Instagram. Did it make me a better friend?

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a year ago · 60 likes · 41 comments · Lane Scott Jones

I mute just about everyone in Instagram and I’m not sure it makes me a better friend but it does force me to be more intentional with who and how I’m catching up with my friends. I loved this .

Life Skills with Liz Tran

Life Skill No. 3: Be Better than AI

Are you smarter than AI…

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a year ago · 27 likes · 2 comments · Liz Tran

I have not gotten on the ChatGBT train, mostly because I fear it will disconnect me from my intuition but also because I think it’s making people lazy. I think the more we depend on technology to create, the more out of touch we become from our inner wisdom that we came into this life to share. Loved this read, .

apartamento 710

01. Where to find inspiration outside of the Internet

How’s winter treating you this year? I hope you are easing into these cold months and that you get a chance to slow down a bit. In my case, every year winter means that is time to go home, spend the holidays with my family and bask under the sun. This year though, will be the first time that I will not visit my family back home since I moved away 3 year…

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a year ago · 1431 likes · 22 comments · Florencia Ornelas

I love everything writes but I especially love this list and her latest on where to find inspiration outside of the Internet. I am a Pinterest girly through and through and even still, the best inspiration always comes when I log off and tune into the tangible world.

I don’t have any of this figured out. In fact, it’s something that my brain has continued to process and grapple with for years. I’m curious to hear from you–how do you engage with the digital world without it taking too much from your real life? How do you create the space to hear your own voice in a world that is riddled with noise? I believe that there’s room for all of us to have a seat at the table–to have a newsletter or become a content creator or voice on the internet, but when do we draw the line? How do you protect yourself from the noise of the outside world? Is there a way live an online life without losing your connection to self and to your offline life?

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As I sit down to reflect on my year and try to condense all of its lessons I’ve learned to share with you, what I really want to say is: I have so much more to learn and I no longer want to pretend that I have everything figured out. I could spend all day reminiscing on the past and all of the ways in which I have changed over the past 365 days but in this moment, I care more about looking forward into the future. I see a whole life ahead of me – filled with potential, possibility, and opportunity.

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I’m at this age where I am beginning to feel more like an adult and less like a kid. (My early twenties felt less like an adult and more like a kid pretending to be an adult) I am noticing my friends begin to worry about being behind, not checking off the boxes they thought they were supposed to check off by this age. How could they not? Societal discourse tells us to have life figured out by the time we are 30 but is that really the point of it all?

The purpose of life is not to figure it out. The purpose of life is to live.

To live as a human is to explore, to play, to make a mess, to learn one lesson and immediately start working on another. It is to change and grow and unravel all of the beliefs that keep you from loving yourself as you are in this moment. Life is not something to be figured out – it is not a problem to solve or game to play but simply an experience to be had.

When I first started my process of self discovery – of spirituality, personal development, wellness, and trying out all of the practices that I thought would help me reach enlightenment, I thought that I would one day get to an end point of that journey. I thought I would reach a day that I had everything figured out and I didn’t have any more questions. In my mind, I would do the work that it took to unravel every single one of those questions and then what?

I now know that the only certain endpoint I am moving towards in life is death.

And as much as I hate to burst your bubble of avoiding the topic, no matter your process or the path you are on, the single truth of life is that we all will eventually reach the end of our lives.

As another year passes, I am thinking about the finite time I have left in this lifetime. Not in a morbid way (or because I just worked on a book about grief) but because it is a reality about this life that I must face at one point or another. And when I am left to contemplate the 60 something (God willing) years I have left in this body and all I can possibly think about is how I can make the most of those years.

As I enter into my 27th year, I feel with more certainty than ever that I do not want to have everything figured out.

Of course, it feels nice to have some things sorted out a little more than I did when I was 17 but I don’t feel the same pressure to check off all the boxes or answer all of the open-ended questions that swirl through my mind. I don’t want to rush through the experience of life – even when that experience is uncomfortable, confusing, or a hot mess (like I sometimes feel.) When I look out at the horizon of however many years I have left, I want to take my time and savor the time I have left.

I want to stretch my capacity to experience what it means to be human – to play, to love, to change, to mess up, to grow, to learn, to feeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeel.

I don’t know about you, but one of my favorite things about being human is the experience of life – feeling deep emotions, experiencing the five senses, the fact that no one truly knows what tomorrow will bring, the curiosity I have to know myself more deeply, the ability to connect with others, the recognition of the passing of time and the ability to decide how you move forward in this next chapter.

Each year that I continue on this path, I get to know myself more deeply and increase my ability to enjoy the life I have ahead of me. As long as I continue to be an active participant in my life, I don’t see getting older as a loss of time – I see it as a portal that leads me towards a version of my life that I have always dreamed of. I see it as pure potential. The time left in this body might be slipping away but as I go deeper into my process, I am left with an experience of life more expansive and vibrant than ever before. And I know with every year that passes, the experience of life is just going to keep getting better.

To getting older and wiser and never losing our desire to play, learn, grow, celebrate, and savor the experience of life.

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1. What are your favorite things about being human? What parts of life do you love to experience most?

2. How do you celebrate life? What do you do to savor the experience of being alive?

3. What beliefs do you hold around age and getting older? How does that keep you from being present with where you currently are?

PS – I did stop writing this newsletter for 1.5 months and I did spontaneously rebrand in the past few days. Sometimes it feels as if the inspiration will never return and then the sun sparkles in the window pane in the most perfect way and you can do nothing else other than create again. More soon <3

No, I don’t want to go out tonight. No, this friendship is no longer working for me. No, I am not going to write my newsletter this week. No, I am not interested in going on a date with you. No, I don’t need to buy another thing I don’t need. No, I don’t want to go to the new restaurant that everyone is posting about. No, I do not want to do that, go there, or be a part of that. Thank you for thinking of me, but no thanks.

As a recovering people pleaser, this practice feels revolutionary. It feels thrilling to feel empowered by saying no – setting boundaries not only with others but myself. It is not an easy practice and I find myself sending voice messages nearly every other week to my best friend exclaiming, “Am I a bad person for saying no?”

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ON FEELING BAD WHEN YOU SAY NO

When I set a boundary, and say no to someone or something, my brain tells me I am making a grave mistake and it is my responsibility to take care of whatever or whoever is going to be affected. My sweet (and silly) brain doesn’t always remember that when I say no to something that is out of alignment, I am simply saying yes to myself.

But so often, before I can say yes to myself, I immediately jump to accommodating someone else. I say yes, even as things add to my to-do list and the hours fill up on my calendar. I’d rather “make things work” and sacrifice myself and my own needs because I am so afraid of letting anyone down. But the reality is that by doing this, the only person I am letting down is me.

It is so easy to fall into the trap of “this is what’s expected of me” “this is what I’ve always done” “this is how it’s always going to be” but what if you could adjust the way you operate in life to support you rather than have your baseline be a burden or added stressor? By checking in with your desire, energy, and capacity before saying yes or not places you in the driver’s seat of your life rather than at the whim of what everyone else needs from you.

ON KNOWING WHEN TO SET A BOUNDARY

Through years of diving off the deep end towards a life in devotion to myself, I’ve realized that I don’t think I truly learned to care for myself until I learned to say no. No to doing the things I think I should do, even when I know I don’t want to do them. No to forcing myself into the box of who I think I should be, and feeling bad about myself if I do something else. No to anything that is not an enthusiastic yes. As I get clearer and clearer on my values and the things I want to prioritize in my life, I am able to use them values as a roadmap to know when and where to set my boundaries.

In this current season of life I find myself in, I am stretching beyond the me that I know. I am pushing myself harder than I ever have before, accomplishing more than I thought was possible in a short amount of time. And because of how disorienting a season like this can be, the boundaries of how I spend my time are strong – prioritized for rest and the things that anchor me into my connection with myself. Anything else needs to go on the back burner for now.

There will be seasons of your life that will be for protecting your peace, and some will be for expanding your comfort zone. Some will be for exploring and putting yourself out there and saying yes to all of the opportunities that life places in front of you.

No matter the season you are in, there is always going to be power in saying no. It is time to release the pressure you place on yourself to do everything, be everything for everyone, and keep saying yes to more and more and more because that’s what you were taught to do. It is important to remember that you can have everything you want in life but at some point you must let go of something in order to make space for something new.

The key to the practice of saying no is not about saying no to anything and everything that you can’t be bothered to deal with but discerning where you are investing your energy and choosing differently if and when something feels out of alignment. Feel into the constriction that comes up when something is offered to you and you want to decline. When you get clear on your no, on the things that do not work for you in this season of your life, you are that much closer to your yes. Imagine a world in which your entire life felt like a yes, what would it feel like to show up in that way?

prompts for your process –

• How easy is it for you to say no to friends, strangers, yourself? Do you push yourself to say yes, even when you want to say no? Do you bite your tongue and ignore what you need in order to accommodate someone else?

• Do you feel guilty if you say no? Do you feel the pressure to offer an excuse?

• Do you know what a no feels like in your body? What about a yes?

• What is life asking of you right now? Do you need to set tighter boundaries or loosen the reins and trust yourself to move past your comfort zone?

• For those of you who have no trouble with setting boundaries, what advice would you give someone who finds saying no challenging?

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And finally, I will leave you with an invitation for the next time you feel hesitant to say no: by setting this boundary, what am I saying yes to?

With love,

Nikki

PS – There are quite a few new faces here and I wanted to express my gratitude for you joining this little corner of the internet. Feel free to reply back and say hi, I’d love to hear about what’s going on in this season of your process <3

PSS – I know this disclaimer isn’t needed but I felt the need to say: there are MANY layers to the conversation about saying no and setting boundaries. There’s a lot of rhetoric in today’s society around protecting your peace and setting boundaries that def skews towards conflict avoidance and hyper individualism. This conversation does not touch on that. I’m focusing more on sharing about the process of healing my people pleasing, learning advocating for myself, communicate boundaries compassionately / clearly / effectively, and how empowering it has been to PRACTICE saying no as a form of caring for myself. An important piece to the puzzle is that I have not gone into is around navigating setting boundaries and caring for yourself while also caring for those around you and intentionally tending to your inter personal relationships. Perhaps a conversation for another day?

My entire life, I’ve viewed being single as something less than, something temporary, something incomplete. In my mind, and in the brainwashing of what we’re told makes a life “whole”, finding a romantic partner has been the one thing I have been missing out on. I am almost 27 years old and I have never dated anyone for longer than a few months – certainly never calling them my boyfriend or being official enough to change my Facebook relationship status. Even while I have experienced my fair share of romantic connections that prove to me the love and connection I dream of is real, for the past 27 years, I thought something was wrong with me because I could never find anyone who liked me enough, more importantly who I liked enough, to share my life with. No one ever stuck around long enough to give me the one thing I have always believed would make my life whole.

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Even though the belief that a romantic partnership was the one thing I was missing in my life, I don’t think I actually ever wanted it badly enough. I liked the idea of it, sure. I have spent years of my life dreaming of what the perfect partnership would look like. I have written lists of the qualities of my dream partner, the things I want to feel when I’m with them, and the things I will bring to the table in this relationship. I have spent countless nights dreaming about what it will finally feel like to experience the partnership I had always placed on the highest pedestal in my mind. But when it really comes down to it, when I actually get a chance to put myself out there and put energy towards the thing I’ve always dreamed of, I almost always decide against it or put myself in situations where I know I am not going to be able to find it.

I have a habit of going for the guy who is unavailable. I fall for a guy who lives on the complete opposite side of the world. I go on dating sprees in countries I know I will only be staying for a limited amount of time. I spend years of my life entertaining a relationship with someone who keeps me around to flirt and have a bit of banter but never anything more. I stop dating all together and proclaim to the universe that if I’m meant to be with someone, they will come into my life with ease and yet no one ever comes knocking at my door. And on the rare chance that something gets close to being real, I almost always find a reason why it’s not going to work.

I am realizing that even when the truest, deepest desire that I have always felt in my heart points in the direction of romantic partnership, I actually think I’d rather stay single.

I like the idea of a boyfriend and the fantasy of who he could be as long as he is living in my head but when I think about all of the things that would need to change if I actually stepped into the partnership I dream of, I don’t feel ready for it. If I go a layer deeper, and really get honest with myself, I don’t feel ready to sacrifice the life I have built as a single woman. It’s a hell of a lot more peaceful this way, and the thought of disrupting the life I have built with myself feels scary and quite frankly, I haven’t met anyone I’d want to disrupt this life for.

So what if I enjoy being single?

My brain is so programmed to believe that it is my job as a woman to search for a partner to make my life whole, but what if my job was to show people that there is another way?

What if I like my freedom and independence and the strength I feel walking through this world firmly rooted in myself? What if I am happy with the way my life looks, without the partnership I am supposed to want? What if the relationships I have with my friends allow me to experience an even deeper unconditional love than any romantic relationship could? What if everything, all along, was pointing me towards the greatest love I could ever experience – the love I have for myself? It is the greatest gift tending to the relationship I have with myself and I am not ready to let go of that. I love my life, and myself as is. And it will take a special person to come into my life and bring more to the table than I am already bringing myself.

It is easy to romanticize the idea that a person, or a relationship, or a job, or a move to another country is the missing puzzle piece in my life and for many years I used that as a way to reinforce the idea that I needed something outside of myself to give me worth. I needed someone to choose me. I needed to prove to the world that I was lovable when in reality, all I needed to do was love myself. I’d be waiting my entire life if I was waiting around for someone or something to save me.

The truth is, life is messy and confusing and disorienting and the answer is not always as simple as meeting the perfect partner and falling into the perfect partnership. I know that the love and partnership I dream of is out there waiting for me. But I also know that so much about life is out of my control – I can’t plan when I am going to meet my person, or experience the great love(s) I have been dreaming of since I was a little girl. But that doesn’t mean I am going to stop living and loving my life just because I haven’t found it yet.

When I think about it this way, I thank god my life has panned out the way it has. I couldn’t imagine what my life would look like if I hadn’t spent the past seven years intentionally dating and falling in love with myself. I still find myself re-downloading dating apps every few months to check and see if my knight in shining armor is out there waiting for me (lol on Hinge? Nikki, are you okay?) but when I fall asleep at night, I remind myself that I’d rather stay single for as long as I need to so that I can focus my energy towards building the life of my dreams and becoming the woman of my dreams rather than spending my entire life waiting for someone to come and complete me.

I hold onto the trust that I will meet the people I am meant to meet at the exact moment I am meant to meet them and I know that great loves me find me along the way. Whether those loves come in the form of friends, teachers, lovers, or strangers, I know it is all an invitation back to the source of it all. An infinite, unconditional, everlasting love that can never be taken from me. It is the thread that binds us all and connects us to all there ever was.

I am a hopeless romantic who loves deeply and lives fully. I wear my heart on my sleeve and convince myself that I have fallen in love approximately five minutes after I meet someone. I love that part of me and I love the part of me that will always hold onto the fantasy of the greatest love that I have yet to experience. But I will no longer allow that fantasy to take anything away from this moment in front of me. I am open to love and romance and being swept off my feet but I must remember that there is nothing for me to find - only life and love waiting to be experienced.

For my lover girls (and boys) who are waiting to meet that one person that will make their life make sense, what if it was you all along? What if you are the love you have been searching for?

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Even though the only valentine I’ve ever had has been my mom or this sweet sweet boy in the 1st grade (who I did not like back), Valentine’s Day is one of my favorite holidays. I LOVE LOVE! I LOVE CELEBRATING LOVE! I LOVE CHEESY VALENTINE’S AND BOXES OF CHOCOLATE! And I don’t care if it’s an artificial holiday created just for us to spend money. I love any and every excuse to romanticize my life, romance myself, and express love towards every single person I meet.

1. Get dressed up and do whatever you would would love to do with a partner…with a friend, or better yet with yourself.

2. Eat multiple sweet treats ( a slice of cake, your favorite pastry, an ice cream sundae, go crazy) (I will be going to a cinnamon roll cafe with my friend )

3. Write love letters to everyone you’ve ever had a crush on (maybe don’t send them) OR to all of the people you truly love, potentially lover or not (and definitely send them)

4. Stay off of social media if it’s going to make you sad. Instead, call someone in your life who might be lonely and remember that often times the best part about having a crush or being in love is actually the feeling with get from expressing love / caring for someone.

5. What’s the most romantic dinner you can think of? Buy all of the ingredients, set the table, light some candles and make it for yourself. (I think I am going to make a ragu with fresh pappardelle and homemade tiramisu – all for myself)

6. Go to a dance class to remind you that you are that bitch.

7. Watch cheesy 90s romcoms and cry. Remind yourself that it is okay to want to be in a relationship when you’re not. Remember that feeling lonely only means that you have a desire to be in deeper connection to others. What are some ways you can connect more deeply with the people who are already in your life?

8. Make a list of all of the people in your life who make you feel loved – romantic love isn’t the end all be all. Think of all of the different ways in your life you feel loved, valued, and appreciated.

9. Do a loving kindness meditation.

10. Do nothing because when you really think about it, Valentine’s Day is a completely made up holiday.

I hope you always remember how worthy of love you are – with or without all of the things you think you need to have in order to be good enough in this lifetime.

PS – I wouldn’t say no if you wanted to send me a valentine <3

• spiraling about whether or not I should stop writing this newsletter (I’m not going to…for now)

• psycho-analyzing why I keep having friendship breakups (I’ll write about this eventually)

• brainstorming ideas of things to do to keep my seasonal depression at bay (Suggestions welcome pls)

Not all morning pages are filled with life changing insights but the practice of showing up everyday really does work its magic.)

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I sheepishly admit to my writer friends whenever I see them, “I’m having a bit of a moment with my newsletter. Is it bad that I don’t care about it anymore?” as if it were a spell that would make it come true if I spoke it too loud. Of course nothing happened when I admitted I was thinking about ending this newsletter – not in my morning pages, or to my friends, or in the goodbye letter sitting in my drafts. In fact, it felt like a relief. I think I needed to speak the words aloud – to process the doubt and fear I was feeling – in order to get to a place where I actually wanted to move forward.

It is freeing to admit that you might be done with something.

Whether it’s a newsletter, or friendship, or job, or city you have always called home. It takes courage to see the possibility of life without this thing, especially when it feels so tightly wound to your identity. Who would you be if you let go of all of the things in your life that makes you, you? Who would you be without them? Who could you become without them?

I wrote about falling away from your practices last month. And I keep returning to the idea that I am allowed to take a break, I am allowed to step back, I am allowed to say this isn’t working for me. Sometimes that space is the necessary ingredient to see things from a new perspective, reignite your why, and tend to the embers of motivation that had been dying out. And sometimes the space gives you the confirmation that it is truly time to move on. Either way, when things feel sticky and like you are forcing something where you once felt at ease, you can keep pushing up against the resistance or you can take a step back in order to create the space for new information to come in.

Even though I was convinced I needed to give up writing for good, I never felt settled in that decision – it felt like the easy way out. My mind swung back and forth between what to do and I realized that the reason I couldn’t stop thinking about what to do was proof that I still cared. The reason why my mind couldn’t settle was because I wanted to work things out. I wasn’t ready to let go of it yet. And I saw, so clearly, my impulse to run away as soon as I feel any ounce of discomfort. It has always been easier to leave with no explanation than to sit with the discomfort of working things out, or of not knowing what to do next.

So, here I am writing to you– with many thoughts swirling through my head but very little desire to truly sort through them in a meaningful way. But I am happy to be here and I am happy you are too. Here’s to moving through the moments in our life where we are not quite sure what is coming next but trusting that the clarity will come, that the next steps will reveal themselves, and that we remain always grounded within ourselves regardless of what takes shape.

What inspired your process in January?

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1. MUSIC: I’m already obsessed with their hand soap, but who knew Aesop had such incredible music taste?! I can’t stop listening to this playlist. And for all of my club-goers, this mix has no skips and I am obsessed with Fcukers.

2. COLD OUTREACHING: I’m back in my era of sending a sweet DM or email to people I think are cool and asking them to get coffee. I’ve made some of my best friends this way and always leave feeling inspired after connecting with someone and learning about their journey (…or should I say process) that led them to where they are today. If you’re in NY, doing cool things (or think I seem cool🤭), don’t be afraid to slide into my DMs.

3. EXTRACURRICULARS: I had a moment last week where I was going stir crazy and frustrated with how much screentime my days are filled with so I opened up my laptop, bought tickets to a kitschy 80s film at Metrograph, tickets to see the Opera in March, and mapped out a list of all of the extracurriculars I want to do this winter – yoga, dance classes, gallery openings, and trying all of the classic NYC institutions for a dirty martini and skinny french fries. I miss being in clubs! We need more extracurriculars!

   What extracurriculars do you want to take this month?

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4. WORK: Part of the reason why I have felt so uninspired with my writing is because the majority of my creative energy is going towards working with incredible female writers who have books coming out this year. More to come on this but you can pre-order Renegade Grief (on sale 3/11) and The Mother Code (on sale 5/6) – we are working HARD to get these books out and I am so so proud and honored to be a part of it.

5. FRIDAY MORNING SOLO DATES: I’m making it a tradition to spend Friday mornings with myself. This week I went to an early morning yoga class

   followed by a cortado and breakfast sandwich at Oh Mercy. I sipped the coffee slowly while I scribbled in my journal. There’s something so luxurious about starting the weekend (I do consider Friday as the weekend even if I have to work) out with a solo date.

   

6. HOMEMADE CHEX MIX: My mom makes the best homemade chex mix and I recently made a batch for my cousin’s going away party. I definitely burnt half of it but the cheesy, zesty, crunchy combination is dangerously addictive but always a crowd pleaser.

7. ART: I went to the Guggenheim to see the Harmony and Dissonance exhibition after catching up with a past love who I hadn’t seen in three years. It was an emotional day and I definitely sat in front of some of the pieces of art and cried and walked up and down the spiral ramp a few times just to move through what I was feeling. BUT the art was beautiful and I learned that a museum is the perfect environment for me to process big emotions.

8. THE CLASS: The Class by Taryn Toomey has always been one of my favorite workout classes in the city. Is it expensive? Yes. Is it accessible? No, you’re literally jumping around the entire class and I have to skip dinner just to be able to afford a class. But do you feel amazing afterwards? A million times yes. Sometimes I cry, sometimes I laugh, but I always feel like I have been reborn. My friend Courtney teaches there and her classes are life changing.

   

9. MY FAVORITE PLACES TO WFH: As much as I love my apartment, I am going stir crazy and making it my mission to spend a couple of days a week working out of the house. My favorite spots are always hotel lobbies, especially the Ace Hotel in Downtown Brooklyn but I also love Public Records (get their chocolate chip cookies).

10. COOL PEOPLE I AM INSPIRED BY: Remember when I said I was sucked into a vortex of scrolling on Substack and comparing myself to all of the people I loved? Well it was for good reason because they have incredible, beautiful, inspiring publications. I love by my friend . I am a long time fan of by . And I recently stumbled upon which I cannot wait to dive into. I am grateful to have so many incredibly talented peers and friends in this online (and IRL) world <3 (Even when I am spiraling into my own insecurities, I remind myself that everything I experience in my life is merely a reflection of a part of me, or a potential I have yet to tap into. I am grateful to be so inspired by my friends because they help me to see where I want to grow and who I want to become.)

On to February, my loves. See you soon.

Nikki

I ate fried prosciutto and eggs for breakfast and pasta at least once a day. I started sipping on spritzes before noon and drank espresso after 3pm (god forbid). I had sweet treats almost every morning and at least two glasses of wine with every dinner. I walked a lot. I sat with the sun kissing my cheeks, listening to the sounds of my people. I didn’t wake up early or workout everyday or drink my herbal elixirs that I swear keep me healthy. I barely did any of it and yet, I felt more connected to myself that I have in a while.

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The feeling of walking on the same cobblestone streets that my distant ancestors may have walked down years and years ago and nervously practicing my Italian when ordering pastries and meat for Christmas Eve dinner connected me to a deep part of my soul I did not realize was needing attention. I looked around at strangers on the street and was reminded of people in my family – I was reminded of what I might look like when I grow old. I spent time with my brother, more time that I think we have ever spent before. In my normal life, I feel so attached to all of the practices and habits routines that I am convinced keep me held together, but for the past few weeks I let it all go and felt held in a way like never before.

It is an important lesson for me to remember – there is nothing inherently life-changing in the practices, habits, routines or aspects of your life you think you need to survive and thrive. There are tools and practices that may make you feel a little better for a while, but what happens when you are meditating everyday and still feeling anxious? What happens when you go to acupuncture every week and still get sick? I’m learning that it is only when you fall away from my practices – from feeling so attached to them and unsure if you will survive without them – that you learn to trust yourself and allow the affects of them to actually integrate into your life.

There are two big insights I am sitting with after my trip to Italy:

1. The process is not just about processing life and your lived experiences but actually living. You do not always have to immediately question the meaning of an experience, it is just as important to be in the experience. Not every experience needs to be intellectualized – sometimes the meaning and understanding of something will not come until later.

2. Your practices are simply the tools that allow you to return to yourself. While there is value in showing up consistently, especially at the beginning of building the habit of something like meditation, you do not need to feel shame or guilt about taking time away. Sometimes the most important part of a practice is falling away from it and returning.

While I found time to write and meditate and sit in contemplation while in Italy, that is not where my most profound insights came from. I found clarity in the moments that I was doing things differently – cooking breakfasts for my brother, getting caught in a hail storm in Palermo and seeking shelter in the most beautiful cathedral, watching locals sunbathe on the rocky beach, accidentally ordering two beef tartares at dinner because we didn’t understand the translation, seeing a friend who I haven’t seen in two years, staying out until 3am on New Year’s Eve partying with Italian strangers. Through these lived experiences, I accessed new parts of myself. I realized that I will be okay if I eat pasta everyday for three weeks, meditate only when I feel like it, and have no consistent sleep schedule. It is through stepping away from my practices, from the life I have curated so perfectly, that I am eager to return. Not because I have to, but because I want to.

“I look forward to returning – to writing, to meditating, to practicing yoga, to this place I call home, to this life I consider my own. It is good to have a break because it gives new found appreciation for what often feels normal (aka boring) most of the time. I don’t always want to show up to meditation or to make my bed or to write but when I am away from it for long enough, I know that it is in those mundane aspects of life that are the very things that allow me to return to myself again and again and again.” – Journal Entry: January 9, 2025

I often forget that a practice is not just about showing up consistently, but about returning when you have fallen away. I must remind myself that the world will not end if I do not show up in the way I think I should every single day. I will not fall apart. No one will be mad at me. Life will go on. In fact, I’ve found my practices always feel stronger after time away. Some times the most important part of the process is recognizing what you need, placing your attention somewhere other than you usually do and allowing yourself to experience something new. I’ve cultivated a deeper trust with myself during the periods of time that I step away – I see clearly that I always have my own back. No matter the circumstances of my life, I will be okay. I am no more worthy if I meditate everyday or publish a newsletter every week. After years of building my practice, I now allow myself to step away in order to see the work of my practice at play in my life. I can always return – but I do not need anything other than myself to show up to my life.

I am in a season of my life where I am eager to return – to my practices, my routine, to the things in my life that often feel mundane. I even feel an urge to return to friendships with people I have not spoken to in years. There is a voice inside telling me, return again and see if you can make it feel brand new. As we begin this new calendar year, I gently remind myself that anything is possible. Things do not need to be the same. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. I will be okay no matter what – in the seasons of life where my practices hold me tightly, the seasons where I am swept up in the whirlwind of experiencing life, the seasons that I can barely find the ground beneath my feet. I will be okay. You will be okay. We will all be okay because we have ourselves and we have each other.

My heart is with you, especially if you or anyone you know has been affected by the fires in Los Angeles ❤️‍🩹

I love you.

Nikki

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1. What practices are supporting you in this season of your process?

2. What practices feel stale? What practices have you be doing on autopilot? How can you invite in more intention and new energy into those practices?

3. Are you in a season of life where you are experiencing or integrating? For you, how does that differ from the other?

4. What is your heart yearning for? What do you need more of right now in your life?

5. If you could do one thing differently in this season of life, what would it be? How would you transform your practices to better support you?

My heart has felt heavy this week watching the news of the fires in LA, especially with my best friend living in Pasadena. Thankfully everyone I know personally is safe and sound but I am at a loss for how to move forward to support from the other side of the country. Below are some resources for more information on how and where to support.

À La Carte

Greetings from Los Angeles on Fire

On Tuesday night, after an especially blustery day in LA, the Eaton Fire broke out in the canyon foothills three miles north of my apartment. All day I had been following stories about the ultra-destructive Palisades Fire on the west side, watching Tiktoks of bulldozers pushing abandoned cars…

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a year ago · 201 likes · 38 comments · Ali LaBelle

Personal Space

Where to donate to people who've lost their homes in the LA fires

Hi! I apologize to have broken my “once weekly” rule this early into our run here, but I have been completely torn up about the fires across LA County. I live in New York now, but I have spent quite a bit of time on the westside of LA, where my partner’s family lives, for almost a decade. They lost their home in the Palisades fire. I used to live on the…

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a year ago · 85 likes · 192 comments · Rachel Davies

PS – I’ll be publishing my SATIATED Guide to Rome & Sicily later this month. Subscribe to SATIATED to get it straight to your inbox 💌

I look forward to this time of year every year – the tail end of a twelve month journey, the potential that a new calendar year brings, the sweetness of slowing down and spending time with those you love. In the time between mid November and early January, I spend most of my spare moments daydreaming about what the next year could be. Where do I want to focus my energy? What feels exciting to learn? What could potentially unfold over the past twelve months?

Rather than seeing it as a daunting challenge to accomplish, I see it as a mystery waiting to be solved. There are an infinite amount of doors to open – and only I get to choose where to start. I can stay put at a door I have kept open from the season before, or I can decide to do a full pivot. I can keep a few open at a time, or shut them all to give myself time to rest, recharge, and reflect before opening anything new up. The calendar year ending (or beginning) does not indicate anything other than a passing of time – just as every morning brings an opportunity to start anew, this is simply a time to make a choice. Will today be a day that you make a change or continue moving as you have been?

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After years of living my life on autopilot, living the life I thought I was supposed to be living, it has been revolutionary to remember that I always have a choice. I love the changing of years, and of seasons, because it reminds me of the limitless potential of my life. Whenever I feel stuck or stagnant, I remind myself that every breath is the opportunity for a new beginning.

This perspective is why I love the practice of yearly reflection and intention setting. If you’ve been around for a while, you know every year I share an intention setting guide to inspire your introspective process through this transition of the calendar year. I share my practice of reflection, setting intentions, and visioning for the year ahead. While I love making this guide every year, this year I want to give you the tools to create your own. I want to share more about the practice of end of year reflection and intention setting in order to inspire you to create a practice that works for you.

I recognize not everyone loves the ~new year, new me~ or rhetoric but I want to share a perspective of intention setting that is not about changing yourself but rather taking the time to look at your life, see what’s working and what’s not, and feeling empowered to make the shifts needed in order to adjust towards a more aligned way of being. Sometimes that means completely overhauling everything you have been doing, and sometimes that means a gentle continuation of what you have already been doing.

For me, this practice is less about setting unrealistic goals and expectations for the year ahead, and placing my worth on whether or not I achieve them, and more about slowing down and taking the time to learn from your past experiences in order to inform how you want to show up in the year ahead. It is a time to pause, allow the experience of a year to settle, and catch your breath before moving on. When we don’t ever slow down or stop moving, it makes it nearly impossible to know when it is time to change course. This practice is an invitation to slow down to speed up – to let the year integrate, connect back to yourself, and move into the new year from a more grounded and intentional place.

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I love any and all markers of time. I love the transition of ending to beginning and the transition that happens between. I love changing seasons, months, years, etc. I love the cathartic experience of reflecting and releasing the past in order to make space for the potential of the future. While the grief that comes with something ending is never comfortable, I love the practice of honoring what no longer is present in my life and dreaming about what could be.

What’s great about this practice is that it can be done in any period of transition – a season of life, a season of the year, at the end of a job or relationship, or whenever you are feeling stagnant in life and want to move forward with greater intention. Take the essence of this practice and use it in your everyday to carve out consistent space to check in with yourself and feel empowered to adjust your focus as needed. If there is one thing that the practice of intention setting gives me is the permission to change course whenever things are not working for me. There is limitless potential for this life – nothing is ever truly stagnant and there are a million doors (or ways of being) waiting to be opened.

Reflection:
– Where have you been?

Spend time taking in the past twelve months. I like to flip through my journal, scroll through my camera roll, skim over all of the newsletters I have published. I take note of themes, highlights, lows, moments that I never want to forget. Look at the year at a whole and then break it down into different chapters; how would you synthesize your year? What are moments that impacted you most?

Prompts to Get You Started:

1. Who were the most important and impactful people to you this year?

2. What experiences left the biggest impression?

3. If you had a time capsule for this year, what are the things that you’d include? (Albums, recipes, items of clothing, books, etc.)

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When I sat down to write this newsletter, I had planned to share a full round up of all of the food, books, media, music, etc. that I had consumed in 2024, and loved. I started sifting through my photos, playlists, Goodreads, and saved folder on Substack. After accumulating more than 50 links, I started feeling insecure – what makes my opinions any better than anyone else’s? Are these recommendations necessary, or just something I am sharing to feel interesting, worthwhile, or a part of all of the constant noise on the internet? Is this what I want to be contributing to the internet?

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I spent the better half of this year in battle with myself trying to find the balance between creating and consuming. I fell in and out of mindless spirals of consumption, slurping media up as if I hadn’t had anything to quench my thirst in years. More more more, my mind would say. Less less less, my soul yearned for. While my years of disordered eating are, thankfully, long behind me, I still find addictive tendencies in the way I engage with the online world – social media, streaming services, dating apps, any place I can find a quick hit of dopamine. As much as I try to be mindful and intentional with the way I consume, I find myself slipping into mindless territory more often than I would like to admit. 

Even with the months long break from Instagram, picking up hobbies that don’t involve a screen, and filling my IRL life with stimulating activities to keep my mind engaged and alive (not disassociating and melting into an abyss), I can’t find my way out of the labyrinth of consumerism. I can’t get away from the gift guides, influencers, and external forces infiltrating my mind; all of the things that are making me believe that the life I am living right now will not be enough unless I have one more thing. 

When I share a list of the 15 best books I read this year, or my favorite albums, or the best spots I visited while in Maine, am I contributing to a system that makes others feel like they need to be doing more or am I simply sharing something solely for the love of it? It’s a blurry line. And I don’t think I need to figure out where I, or my content, stands but as someone who shares these things regularly, it feels important to question my contribution to the noise rather than simply adding to it because everyone around me is.  

While I have many opinions about what you should gift to your best friend, the books that should be on your list for 2025, and the places to eat when you visit Mexico City, I am not going to include them in today’s newsletter. (Unless you really want to know… then email me directly) Instead, I am going to process WHY I love creating round ups in the first place, how I use them to give meaning to an experience, reflect on my year, and get to know myself more deeply. 

One of the biggest reasons why I enjoy making a whole long list of my favorite things is because it serves as a metaphorical time capsule. I started journaling when I was 13 because I was afraid that one day I would forget all of the magical and mundane moments of my life. From my first kiss to the first time living away from my parents, journaling has always been a way for me to accumulate all of my memories to one day look back on. After a trip, season, or year, it is cathartic to go through my camera roll and pinned places to see what created the greatest impact in my life. I reminisce on the characters that came in and out of my life, am reminded of small moments that fell between the cracks of my mind, and take inventory of all of the things I liked, and didn’t

PRACTICE: THINK BACK TO EACH MONTH OF THIS YEAR, WHAT WAS YOUR FAVORITE MOMENT? PLACE YOU VISITED? SONG YOU HAD ON REPEAT? CREATE A TIME CAPSULE OF 2024 THROUGH THE THINGS YOU DID, HOW YOU SPENT YOUR TIME, WHO YOU SPENT YOUR TIME WITH, WHAT YOU WERE THINKING ABOUT, ETC.

A time capsule not only creates a snapshot of this time in your life, but it serves as rich information to dig deeper about where you’re at in life, who you are, and who you are becoming. I learned a lot this year – about myself, about friendship, about work, about love, about being an adult. When I think about the books I read, or the music I hyper fixated on (Charli, I’m looking at you) this year, I don’t just see a book or an album but I see something that changed the core of who I am. Reading The Perfectionist’s Guide to Losing Control in January prompted a 6 month process of unraveling my perfectionism, starting Landscapes encouraged a more disciplined writing practice, listening to hours of hyperpop brought me joy, connected me to my body, and reminded me that I’m only 26 and don’t need to take my life so seriously. The things I loved this year serve as anchors for the life I lived in the past 365 days. Years from now, I can return to these things and immediately be transported back to this time in my life. To reminisce, but also to clearly see how I continue to grow as life unfolds. It is both a marker of time and a tool beneath the surface of where you have been, where you are, and where you are going. 

It is easy for me to get stuck in a dazy, nostalgic dreamland thinking about all of the ups and downs of this year, but no matter how hard I try to resist, life continues to move forward. Even in seasons when it feels like I am back at square one, more unclear about my future than ever, I remember that time and space always continues on. I can either ruminate on the past, or use it as fuel to inspire how I move forward in life. When I look at my year as a whole, I see countless experiences that shape who I am today and can inform who I will be tomorrow. As I begin to reflect and orient myself in the middle of my experience, I see the things that are working, what needs to change, and where my energy is naturally flowing or feeling forced. Making a list of all the things I love, or even have an aversion towards, allows me to open up a portal into my mind shedding light on what might open up for me as I continue to travel forward in space and time.

PRACTICE: WHAT IMPACTED YOU THE MOST THIS YEAR? WHAT WERE MAJOR THEMES OF YOUR LIFE AND WHAT EXPERIENCES PROMPTED THEM? WHAT HAS WORKED FOR YOU THIS YEAR? WHAT DO YOU WANT TO LEAVE BEHIND IN 2024?

There is still a part of me that is tempted to leave you with a highly curated list of all of the things I loved this year or share other essays on the topics like this "not a gift guide" from my friend or this essay on how gift guides are ruining everything. Because the truth is, I love gift guides and round ups of favorite things. I love peeking into someone’s brain to see their favorite things, the things they give value, and the things that I might not have come across otherwise. It’s fun and sweet and wholesome and there is a part of me that eats it up. But at this time of year, there is also a part of me that feels addicted to finding the best of the best because I want to be seen as the best of the best. I want to consume everyone else’s tastes and share mine with the world to prove that they are better. This thought isn’t conscious, of course, I just want to share the things I love, but when I dig deeper…it goes back to the people pleasing and perfectionism and all of the endless feelings of not being good enough that I have been trying to unravel all year.

In my process, moments like this are turning points. They are an opportunity for me to choose the same as I always do, and continue to play out the narrative that I am not good enough, or to choose differently and write a new narrative for myself. Instead of sharing a list of my favorite things with the subconscious belief that this list is proving to the world that I am cool enough, I offer a different invitation. An invitation to take or leave whatever I, or anyone, has to say. An invitation to connect with yourself – to make your own gift guide, round up, or whatever creates the space for you to slow down and look at what the heck is happening in your life. Time and space never stops moving but that doesn’t mean that we don’t have to. Without reflection, it will be more challenging to move forward in your life with intention. 

With all of the noise pulling you in every direction this time of year, I hope you can find a moment, or two, to connect back to your breath and the life force energy flowing throughout your body. Remind yourself that you do not need to buy something just because it is on sale, sometimes the most thoughtful gifts are not bought, and it is not necessary to share everything you loved this year just because it makes you feel cool, interesting, and worthwhile. Sometimes things are better kept for yourself, ready for whenever anyone asks you for a new book to read, course to take, or album to listen to. I think part of growing up is realizing that even though you may want to share an opinion, it is not always needed or wanted. 

PRACTICE: CLOSE YOUR EYES, TAKE A BREATH, FEEL INTO YOUR BODY. WHAT IF EVERYTHING IN YOUR LIFE WAS PERFECT AS IS? WHAT IF YOU WERE PERFECTLY ON TIME? WHAT WOULD LIFE FEEL LIKE IF YOU KNEW THAT NOTHING WAS MISSING?

This is part one of an end of the year series to help you wrap up the year and move forward into the new year with clarity and intention. Subscribe for more journaling prompts, visioning guides, and more!

(And if you really want to check out another gift guide, I adore this one from my friend )

To be human is to have expectations about how we think things should be – how a friend or loved one should show up for you, what a “successful” life looks like, or who should win an election. A simple binary for what is right and what is wrong. Anything that lives outside of what we grant our approval is good, just, right, acceptable. And anything else? The greatest disappointment. 

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While, often, these expectations are rooted in a logical understanding of what is best for us, or the collective, they do not always align with reality. When an expectation goes unmet, it automatically brings disappointment. And I don’t know about you but lately, life has felt like a continuous thread of disappointment. I expect people to act a specific way, and they don’t. I expect life to play out in a specific way, and it doesn’t. I don’t get the job, the guy never texts me back, I get a bad haircut, a president is elected who should have never been on the ballot. I expect something and it doesn’t happen – then what? How do I move forward when it feels like life is continuously knocking me down?

When everything in my life feels out of my control, the only thing I know to do is focus on what I can control – where I place my attention, how I spend my time, what I give my energy towards. And in moments like this, I try my very hardest to focus on the good. I take note of the grief I am feeling, both collective and personal. I observe the resistance I have to feeling any uncomfortable feelings. I hold the space for the process of disappointment, frustration, anything that might be coming up and I continue to move forward placing my energy on the goodness that lives within my life because it is the only thing that keeps me going. 

Even while trying to focus on the good, on the things I can control, it is easy for my mind to drift into dread when coming to terms with all of the unmet expectations in my life. I get frustrated at repeated relationship patterns, I question why people can’t just “do better,” I feel bogged down by the weight of the world and unsure of the likelihood that things will get better. I get stuck in the frustration of my reality not meeting a certain expectation time after time again. My mind spirals with thoughts about how I got myself here in the first place, why I keep attracting the same dynamic, what action can I take to get a different result. I return to the binary of good and bad – forgetting that most of life lives within the gray. 

But just as when I am in the depths of a social media spiral (scrolling mindlessly for hours, fingers glued to my phone as if my phone is some sort of hypnosis-inducing device), I cannot stop until I place my attention elsewhere. I lock my phone, throw it across the room, and do something else. Lately, I have been weaving a simple tapestry but sometimes I grab a book. If the energy feels really heavy, I start playing my favorite song and dance and shake and throw my body around my apartment. I shake up the waters of my being in order to lift myself out of the spiral. Until I place my attention elsewhere, I know I will continue to spiral down, down, down into the depths of my existential dread. 

I don’t think the problem is so much the expectation, but rather, the association labeling the expectation being met as good, and everything else as bad. Another way of saying, the suffering I experience comes from resisting the reality I face. When I think about this collectively, I don’t think this means to put your hands up in the air and allow injustices to happen but rather, managing your expectations and instead of focusing your energy towards the countless things you cannot control, focus on what you can.

And when I think about this personally, I think about all of the micro and macro ways I am trying to use my own expectations as a way to control an outcome that I have no control over. Instead of thinking over and over about what went wrong, I think about why I expected something from someone who I knew wouldn’t be able to show up for me in the way I expected. I’ve learned that it is part of my responsibility as a human to keep these expectations in check. It is something that continues to come up as a hindrance to my relationships – I often confuse my standards and my expectations and unfairly expect everyone in my life to show up for me in the same way (unfair and also unrealistic). 

I’m currently reading Enchanted Love by Marianne Williamson and she writes, 

“I realized then that the problem wasn’t that this man behaved a certain way; the real problem was that that particular behavior garnered my disapproval. It was not his action, but rather my own closed heart, that was causing me pain. The problem, at the deepest level, was not that he hadn’t called, but that I thought he should.” 

The process of integrating your disappointment, and managing your expectations, is a constant discernment over what’s happening in your mind at any given moment. There’s no practice that you can do to immediately feel better, especially when the weight of our collective grief seeps into every breath we take. But, I have found lightness in being able to release my grasp on the need for my reality to look one singular, hyper specific way. Instead, I look at the reality that is in front of me, I take it in for what it is, and then use that as information to decide how I want to move forward. 

As I continue to process through my relationship with expectations, and the disappointment for things working out differently than I thought they would, I return to my practices with extreme gratitude. I am grateful to have containers that hold me through my grief and my joy. It is a privilege, yes, but it is also an incredible act of resistance that plants seeds towards a future vision that contains liberation for all. I will not let the weight of the world keep me from moving forward with intention, with an open heart, with the belief that a better world is possible. Each day, I wake up, grateful for the things that I have which can never be taken away from me – the connection I have to myself, and my faith in a higher power protecting us all. Those two things, as well as my belief that even when my expectations go unmet, life is always working out exactly as it should, keep me moving forward. It fuels the fire behind my back and reminds me of my purpose as a human – to love, to love, to love. 

When my heart feels heavy, bruised, or filled with fear, I gently remind myself that the most healing presence in this human existence is love. I must continue to give it freely. I must remember that no love I give is ever lost. I must love through the disappointment. I must continue to open my heart, to hope, to trust, to believe in the impossible. For love is the guiding force – the heart is our beacon guiding us towards a future that is better and brighter for all. I must trust. I must love. I must continue tending to my heart so that it is overflowing with love. That is the most important work we can do.  Love can heal all.

• What is an act of care I can provide myself this week? What is an act of care I can provide someone else this week?

• How can I use the difficult or uncomfortable emotions that are surfacing as information/fuel to show up differently in my life? What is this teaching me about myself? 

• What expectations am I holding onto? How is that keeping me from accepting the reality of things? Can I reframe the expectation to hold space for reality and my own needs?

• What am I grateful for? What feels good and easy in my life right now? 

• When life feels completely out of my control, what are the things I can return to to feel more grounded?

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The.Ink

The things we can control

The only thing that could have taken me out of the country during Election Day was my grandfather’s 100th birthday. My Nanu, who lives in New Delhi, India, was hitting a century, and I was going to be there. I took my son along. My grandfather is, like me, consumed with politics and the news, and he kept asking me what was going to happen. Meaning, in t…

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LETTERS FROM LOVE — With Special Guest Elizabeth Lesser!

Dear Lovelets…

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This song makes me feel like dancing – if you’re feeling a lil down or a lil heavy lately, maybe this will lighten your load <3

There was once a time in my life where I felt the need to share every thought, experience and moment of my life with the world around me. As someone who spent the majority of her childhood yearning to feel seen and experience a deep sense of belonging, the only way I knew how to feel validated in my existence — namely in the deep inner work I was doing – was to broadcast it to the world in hopes for someone, anyone, to see me and tell me I was doing a good job and I belonged here.

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For years, I have been so blinded by the illusion of external validation. Even while doing the work of developing a loving relationship with myself and building an internal validation system, I was brainwashed to believe that my life was more worthy if I placed it on display for the world to judge. This not only affected the way I curated my life but how I moved through my own internal work. Just as it has become normalized to share every delicious meal, or picture perfect moment with my Instagram feed, in my mind, the inner work that I did within the shadows, behind closed doors, did not mean anything if no one knew about it. 

It is only recently that I have begun exploring an alternative to this approach. Instead of feeling the need to share everything for the world to see, I have been turning inward. Before posting a story, sitting down to write a newsletter, or even sharing a play by play of the meet cute I just had at the park with every single girl friend, I take a second to pause. I close my eyes and breathe and check in with myself. Why do I feel the need to share? Is there a true desire to connect or am I craving validation? Am I running on autopilot or taking the time to truly share from a place of intention?  

Naturally, this practice has snapped me out of areas of my life that had been operating on autopilot. Before, I was doing things because that was the way I always did them. Or the way others did them, so it was how it thought it was supposed to be done. When I disrupted the status quo of my life, I created space for transformation. As a Scorpio rising, I am no stranger to transformation but it has felt disorienting to reckon with all of the areas of my life that had been operating without true intention. The seeds of this transformation had been planted while in Maine, while dreaming about a slower life, and have recently begun sprouting as a need to hone my energy – refining my circle of friends, sharing less of the intimate details of my life online, and ultimately recognizing that my spiritual, self care, and creative practices are going through a transformation which means the way I show up online and in the world are transforming as well.

As an artist, so much of the work I do happens behind closed doors. But with the pressures to appeal to the algorithm and find the balance of consistency and showing up for not only others but myself, I often lose the line between what to share and what to keep safe as an offering to myself and ultimately, to the powers that keep my creative muse buzzing with ideas. When I set the expectation for myself to send countless voice messages keeping distant friends tapped into the tether of my world, sharing every single moment of my life through pictures and videos, transmitting every thought that pops into my mind as an essay written especially to you — I fear I will be left with nothing. Nothing outside of my never-ending search for validation, for the acceptance that I am worthy without doing any of it, for the love that I have only ever needed to find within myself.

Keeping part of myself; of my creative and spiritual practices, held within the shadows helps me to orient my attention to the sacredness of this work. Not everything that is channeled through me is meant to see the light of day – it is often raw, unfiltered, deeply connected to the guidance of spirit, it is the most vulnerable expression of me. I haven’t always seen my writing as something so much bigger than myself – sometimes it feels hollow, driven by ego and the need for validation but lately I’ve noticed that when I am in flow, my writing is something that moves through me as an entity entirely separate from myself. That experience is sacred – it is connecting to the divine linking me directly to my purpose and to the source of it all. 

In this season of my practice, it takes three or four days of sitting down at my computer to write an essay to you before landing on a topic that feels impactful enough to share. In the past, I’d sit down each Monday and share whatever was on my mind – I’d lead with emotion rather than intention and it worked. I don’t think my writing was as strong but it worked to help me find my voice and understand my practice as a writer. But after two years of doing that nearly every week, it has been time for a change. I felt it intuitively for months and I’m just now allowing the unfolding to take place and create space for something new to be born. I’m at the point where I know that if I want to evolve as a writer, I need to shift my attention away from playing the game and towards connecting to something greater. If I want to be taken seriously, I first need to take myself (and my practice) more seriously.

We live in a day and age that rewards artists to give themselves and their practice completely up to the instant gratification and never ending cycle of productivity that short form content and algorithm based platforms have created. In this way of operating, as artists, nothing is left for us. Nothing left is sacred because everything we do is for one more like, or subscriber, or momentary experience of external validation judging whether or not we’re good enough to keep going. Relying on these momentary highs will never result in a fulfilling, purposeful, sustainable practice as an artist. You must challenge this societal habituation in order to align with the rhythm of your divine nature – leaning on the trust you have in yourself, in your work, in the forces that guide you forward in life. Weighing the belief you have in yourself, and the natural pace that your unique path is unfolding, above playing the game to experience what society has deemed as “successful.” (Have you ever stopped to think about what success as an artist means to you?)

While I feel the need to explain this to you in terms of my newsletter, which have been few and far between over the last couple of months (which I annoyingly feel the need to apologize to you for), this also applies to a transformation happening throughout my entire life. I am in the process of completely reworking my internal values system — shifting where I place my energy, the expectations I place upon myself and my creative practice, the standards I hold for the way my life supports me. I am in a moment of contraction. Letting go. Moving on. Holding lovingly onto the vision for the future of my life that I know is possible but cannot happen until I let go of the ways of being keeping me stuck in the loop of needing external validation to survive. 

I’m finally learning that it is not my purpose to be chosen by anyone other than myself.

Thank god.

All that matters is how I feel about myself and the way I show up to my life. 

What a relief.

I’m learning just how much attachment I have to showing up consistently (to my newsletter, to friends, to my practices) is just a way my ego continues to prove my existence and worth to the world. For so many years, I felt like I needed the entire world to know about the work I was doing. I wanted to scream out, “Look at me! Am I finally good enough?!” But now I realize, all I needed was to work towards feeling that ‘enoughness’ within myself – with or without all of the things I was doing. 

As with all of this work, it’s a work in progress. I still find myself seeking validation, attaching my worth to the things I do (or don’t do), hoping someone will tell me I am doing the right things and I don’t need to worry. The process doesn’t unfold and sort itself out overnight. It is a lifelong unfolding – a continuous journey of peeling back the layers of programming keeping me from my true essence. 

In this moment, it feels good to give myself a break. To remind myself that I am not obligated to anything, anyone, or any practice. It does not make me any better or worse to publish a newsletter every week, meditate everyday, or go to the hot new restaurant that just opened in Williamsburg. I do not have to prove my existence to the world. I am here, with my heart beating and the blood pumping throughout my body. That is enough. 

I don’t know what this means for the future of The Process, or of my life. Things in my life continue to fall away and I am left to trust in what remains. More importantly, to trust in a plan much bigger than I could even imagine. I still plan on writing to you – I’m here, aren’t I? – but I am stating to the world that the way I define “showing up” is transforming and I look forward to seeing how that ripples out into all areas of my life. I feel more secure in myself, and my values, than ever and I know that is the biggest testament to the work I have relentlessly been doing behind closed doors – the daily morning pages, setting boundaries, meditation, and reprogramming. All of the work that no one will ever recognize me for can be seen in the ease, security, and trust I feel when showing up to my life. I do not need to proclaim all of the work I have been doing, it can be felt. It can be seen. As long as I trust in the process, I will never be led astray. 

And I keep reminding myself: What if by holding on to the way things were, I am holding myself back from a future that is even better than one I could dream for myself?

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Fun fact: The first half of this essay was channeled while I was practicing yoga at home. I kept getting bits and pieces of sentences and paragraphs and would jot down the gist in my notes app while in a foreword fold or half pigeon. I’ve spent the last week or so feeling stuck with the topic of my newsletter – the majority of my drafts sounding more like whining than anything. So I released the pressure, returned to my practices and created the space for the inspiration to move through me. If it feels forced, I take my attention off of it. Whether it’s an essay, a friendship, or anything, I follow the ease and go from there.

Connecting to my ancestors: Traditionally, this is a time of year where the veil between the living and the dead is at its thinnest – this is a time of year to honor our loved ones who have passed and carve out time to connect with our ancestors. I’ve intuitively felt pulled to do ancestor work over the past week or so, so this time feels especially potent this year. There are many traditionally practices you can do to honor your ancestors and those who have passed on (see Dia de Los Muertos and Samhain) but I’m simply cleaning my altar, lighting a few candles, and meditating on the energy of these spirits beyond the veil – asking for them to guide me, support me, and visit me when I need their support. Going deeper into ancestor work, I have been reading books about Italian folk magic and doing a bit of digging on my family’s origin story. I also call upon my ancestors (literally think or speak aloud) when I am unsure about a recipe or need a little extra guidance in my life. They want to be there for you! Don’t be afraid to say hi 👋

Taking care of my body: It always feels important for me to take care of my body – eat foods that nourish me, get enough sleep, take care of my mental health but recently I have been on a mission to boost my immune system and get alchemical with herbs. I made homemade fire cider, ginger shots, and elderberry syrup last weekend. I am beginning to study herbs to make my own herbal tea blends. Food is medicine! And this is a simple way for me to feel more connected to nature while living in a city. One day I will have a big apothecary with all of the herbs I could ever dream of. 

Getting crafty: I started a new hobby! Weaving! I have been craving a non-scrolling or looking at a screen related hobby that I could do with little brain power. Plus I really love making things with my hands. And I love making gifts for the people I love. So, this week I took a tapestry weaving class at Cleo’s Yarn Shop in Bushwick and am making it my mission to integrate this as a part of my personality over the winter months. Look how cute my first little tapestry is! 

Reading: I am devouring The Writing Retreat by Julia Bartz and am taking my time through Slowing by Rachel Schwartzmann and Renegade Grief by Carla Fernandez. 

Watching: English Teacher (so good). Practical Magic (one of the best spooky movies, don’t disagree with me). Woman of The Hour (disturbing but beautifully done). It’s What’s Inside (thriiiiiiilling!)

Listening:

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To listen while you’re reading…(this whole album is sooooooo good)

Scrolling through my photos, bored on a red eye flight from Burbank to JFK, I realize that this is the first time in months that I haven’t had something coming up on my calendar. This past three months have consisted of weekend trips away, friends visiting the city, a family vacation, a three week solo road trip, and most recently, a trip to LA to celebrate my best friends birthday. It has been a long season of playing catch up – periods of intense exertion followed by necessary solitude. Stopping and starting, acclimating and adjusting to new routines and new environments. Just as I get settled in one place, it is time to move to the next. While the past three months have held some of the most beautiful, profound moments of this year, on the tail end of this five hour flight, all I can think about is the simple pleasure of having nothing on the calendar but the space to be.

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While it is certainly possible to catch glimpses and find moments of presence while life seems to be moving at the speed of light, I find it difficult to remain grounded when I am always looking ahead on my calendar to begin preparing for the next thing. My mind constantly buzzing three steps ahead of my body in order to make sure the transition from one thing to the next is as smooth as possible – my body screaming out, “can’t you just be here for once?!” I sit to meditate, I carve out time for solitude, I take time away to do nothing and yet, I still find myself daydreaming about that next thing.

As a generally excitable person, I think it’s a part of my nature to look forward to the beautiful sunset on the horizon, but how often do I pay attention to the glimmers of the 12pm sun on my window, or the dew of the early morning? While journaling, I often find myself musing about the vision I have for my life – the places I have yet to go, the people I have meant to meet, the experiences I feel will shape the wider purpose of my life. That dreaming is important, necessary, and one of my favorite things about being human but it's beginning to impact my ability to situate myself within this moment. It keeps me constantly yearning for something that is just out of reach, the one thing that will finally allow things in my life to fall into place. With my attention almost always focused on the future, on the potential of what could be, I often forget to savor the experience of my life as it is right now. 

This endless loop of yearning has led me to question –

What would my life feel like if I kept open the space between this moment and the next? What happens when I am present to this moment and allow myself to gently glide into the future without diligently planning out every step between now and the end of my life? How do I find the balance between looking forward to the way my life will inevitably unfold, and the things I have planned along the way while also being fully present to every moment as it comes? How often do I look to something in the future to “save me” from something happening right now?

This season of non stop movement, of having so many things on my calendar to look forward to, has propelled me into a period of newfound inspiration and a clearer vision for myself. It has been necessary and I wouldn’t trade it for the world, but in order for the learnings from this season to fully integrate into my life, I need to take a pause. 

I’ve learned that it is equally as important to have seasons in your life that shake up your internal waters and the way you live your life in order to spark your engine into forward momentum as it is for the stillness and solitude to allow the waters to settle. It is your job to recognize what you need – when I feel groggy, lethargic, unmotivated and unclear about my life, I know it is time to shake things up, flip my perspective, and get the energy of my life moving. I do this by changing up my routine, going somewhere new, anything to clear out stagnant energy and make space for something new. As I feel right now, on the edge of anxiety and buzzing by the potential of what could be, I know I need space and time for the tides to settle before I make the next move. It is a beautiful dance in every moment, every season of life, to counterbalance the external world with your internal waters, working to find equanimity in every moment.1

As humans, we crave stability just as much as we crave the thrill of a new experience – whenever we have one, we desire the other. A pendulum constantly swinging towards what is not in front of us. The cyclical nature of life will always bring us around to the next experience, a fact of nature we often forget – placing our awareness away from the moment in front of us towards the fantasy of what could bring an experience even better than the one we are actively experiencing. Something bigger, better, and brighter is always on the horizon but if we are too distracted thinking about the thousand other things we could be doing, it will come and go without the blink of an eye. 

As the weather begins to chill, and the world begins to make its way towards a more internal way of being, I find myself wanting to do the same. Instead of filling my calendar up with trips and daydreams of what the future could become, I want to prioritize placing my sights on the richness of the here and now. As if this processing finally begins to drop into my way of being, today as I sleepily write my morning pages, my pen flows on the page repeating:

 “I am here. I am here. I am here. I am so happy to be here. In this body. In this life. In this city. I am here and that is the greatest gift. It is all I have ever wanted. I am so happy to be here. I am so grateful to be here.”

And I truly am. There is so much on the horizon to look forward to but right now, this moment feels like the exact medicine I have been needing. From the experiences of the past three months, I have a crystal clear vision of how my life could unfold but I will not let that fantasy keep me from being present to the experiences unfolding in my life right now. I will be present to the gift of this moment and all it has to offer me. There is still much to process from the outer workings of the past few months – there have been big shifts in almost all areas of my life, a deepening of understanding of what I need, desire, and am no longer willing to settle for. But that processing, those insights, can be saved for another day. Right now, I am here and that is the only place I’ve ever wanted to be.

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1. How often do you look towards something in the future to “save you” from something happening right now?

2. What are you looking forward to in the next season of your life? How can you hold that excitement for what has yet to come while simultaneously committing yourself to showing up in this moment?

3. What would happened if you stopped trying to plan every second of your future, and instead made space for life to unfold on its own? What if you could give up that control, trust yourself and your path, and focus your attention towards presence?

4. Do you often find yourself ruminating on the past or daydreaming about the future? Pay attention to where you naturally gravitate and notice

5. What are you grateful for, right now in this moment?

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PS –– Curious about all the places I visited while in LA? My Los Angeles AND Maine travel guide coming over the next month or so at ✈️ Subscribe to get it straight to your inbox 💌