Falling Away From Your Practices

Only to return home to yourself

I spent the past three weeks in Italy and completely let go of all of my practices. I hardly meditated or worked out or nourished my body with dark leafy greens. I did a few hours of work here and there and made sure to stay hydrated but other than that, I forgot about what I was supposed to do and simply let myself savor the experience of life.

I ate fried prosciutto and eggs for breakfast and pasta at least once a day. I started sipping on spritzes before noon and drank espresso after 3pm (god forbid). I had sweet treats almost every morning and at least two glasses of wine with every dinner. I walked a lot. I sat with the sun kissing my cheeks, listening to the sounds of my people. I didn’t wake up early or workout everyday or drink my herbal elixirs that I swear keep me healthy. I barely did any of it and yet, I felt more connected to myself that I have in a while.

Grocery shopping in Palermo

The feeling of walking on the same cobblestone streets that my distant ancestors may have walked down years and years ago and nervously practicing my Italian when ordering pastries and meat for Christmas Eve dinner connected me to a deep part of my soul I did not realize was needing attention. I looked around at strangers on the street and was reminded of people in my family – I was reminded of what I might look like when I grow old. I spent time with my brother, more time that I think we have ever spent before. In my normal life, I feel so attached to all of the practices and habits routines that I am convinced keep me held together, but for the past few weeks I let it all go and felt held in a way like never before.

It is an important lesson for me to remember – there is nothing inherently life-changing in the practices, habits, routines or aspects of your life you think you need to survive and thrive. There are tools and practices that may make you feel a little better for a while, but what happens when you are meditating everyday and still feeling anxious? What happens when you go to acupuncture every week and still get sick? I’m learning that it is only when you fall away from my practices – from feeling so attached to them and unsure if you will survive without them – that you learn to trust yourself and allow the affects of them to actually integrate into your life.

There are two big insights I am sitting with after my trip to Italy:

1. The process is not just about processing life and your lived experiences but actually living. You do not always have to immediately question the meaning of an experience, it is just as important to be in the experience. Not every experience needs to be intellectualized – sometimes the meaning and understanding of something will not come until later.

2. Your practices are simply the tools that allow you to return to yourself. While there is value in showing up consistently, especially at the beginning of building the habit of something like meditation, you do not need to feel shame or guilt about taking time away. Sometimes the most important part of a practice is falling away from it and returning.

The final morning in Rome

While I found time to write and meditate and sit in contemplation while in Italy, that is not where my most profound insights came from. I found clarity in the moments that I was doing things differently – cooking breakfasts for my brother, getting caught in a hail storm in Palermo and seeking shelter in the most beautiful cathedral, watching locals sunbathe on the rocky beach, accidentally ordering two beef tartares at dinner because we didn’t understand the translation, seeing a friend who I haven’t seen in two years, staying out until 3am on New Year’s Eve partying with Italian strangers. Through these lived experiences, I accessed new parts of myself. I realized that I will be okay if I eat pasta everyday for three weeks, meditate only when I feel like it, and have no consistent sleep schedule. It is through stepping away from my practices, from the life I have curated so perfectly, that I am eager to return. Not because I have to, but because I want to.

“I look forward to returning – to writing, to meditating, to practicing yoga, to this place I call home, to this life I consider my own. It is good to have a break because it gives new found appreciation for what often feels normal (aka boring) most of the time. I don’t always want to show up to meditation or to make my bed or to write but when I am away from it for long enough, I know that it is in those mundane aspects of life that are the very things that allow me to return to myself again and again and again.” – Journal Entry: January 9, 2025

Winter in Oritiga

I often forget that a practice is not just about showing up consistently, but about returning when you have fallen away. I must remind myself that the world will not end if I do not show up in the way I think I should every single day. I will not fall apart. No one will be mad at me. Life will go on. In fact, I’ve found my practices always feel stronger after time away. Some times the most important part of the process is recognizing what you need, placing your attention somewhere other than you usually do and allowing yourself to experience something new. I’ve cultivated a deeper trust with myself during the periods of time that I step away – I see clearly that I always have my own back. No matter the circumstances of my life, I will be okay. I am no more worthy if I meditate everyday or publish a newsletter every week. After years of building my practice, I now allow myself to step away in order to see the work of my practice at play in my life. I can always return – but I do not need anything other than myself to show up to my life.

I am in a season of my life where I am eager to return – to my practices, my routine, to the things in my life that often feel mundane. I even feel an urge to return to friendships with people I have not spoken to in years. There is a voice inside telling me, return again and see if you can make it feel brand new. As we begin this new calendar year, I gently remind myself that anything is possible. Things do not need to be the same. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. I will be okay no matter what – in the seasons of life where my practices hold me tightly, the seasons where I am swept up in the whirlwind of experiencing life, the seasons that I can barely find the ground beneath my feet. I will be okay. You will be okay. We will all be okay because we have ourselves and we have each other.

My heart is with you, especially if you or anyone you know has been affected by the fires in Los Angeles ❤️‍🩹

I love you.

Nikki

How many beverages and snacks can Nikki consume in one day?

1. What practices are supporting you in this season of your process?

2. What practices feel stale? What practices have you be doing on autopilot? How can you invite in more intention and new energy into those practices?

3. Are you in a season of life where you are experiencing or integrating? For you, how does that differ from the other?

4. What is your heart yearning for? What do you need more of right now in your life?

5. If you could do one thing differently in this season of life, what would it be? How would you transform your practices to better support you?

My heart has felt heavy this week watching the news of the fires in LA, especially with my best friend living in Pasadena. Thankfully everyone I know personally is safe and sound but I am at a loss for how to move forward to support from the other side of the country. Below are some resources for more information on how and where to support.

Greetings from Los Angeles on Fire

Where to donate to people who've lost their homes in the LA fires

localemagazine

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PS – I’ll be publishing my SATIATED Guide to Rome & Sicily later this month. Subscribe to SATIATED to get it straight to your inbox 💌