Hope Is Not Enough
Bearing witness to the truths of the world that I don't want to accept and where to go from there
Dear reader,
Today’s post feels vulnerable to share. I feel hesitant and unsure and afraid that I do not know enough but I know that within in the discomfort, I am stretching my capacity to show up. I am reaching into the spaces of my own awareness and discovering my own blind spots. I am revealing parts of myself that I am not proud of and ways in which I have not been acting in integrity to my own beliefs, values, or hope for a better future. I want to do better and I hope that if you, too, feel like it is easier to stay silent and look away from the harsh injustices of this world, I hope that today’s post can provide gentle inquiry into the why and the what else could be done. As always, I appreciate you!
PS: The essay is too long for email, so if you’re reading it in your inbox, you will eventually come to a “View entire message” link - click on that and the rest of the email should show up normally. You can also click here and read the entire thing online.
I have always felt internal resistance to writing about politics, activism, or the injustices of the world. I feel shame that I feel this resistance and I don’t like the part of myself that shies away from the true discomforts of life – the fact that most people do not have the privilege to even think about “doing the work.” It feels overwhelming to dip my toes into this theme for my writing today but I know that I must.
In the reality of the world I live in, to be present to what is, not lost in the world of my own mind, is necessary. I cannot stay put in the fantasy of my naïvety that ease can be found in everyone’s reality no matter the circumstances.
I have stayed quiet in moments of injustice since I was a little girl. I didn’t speak up when I saw someone being bullied. I didn’t say anything to my friends grieving the lives lost of their people and the life that they would never live. I never wanted it to happen, of course, but I didn’t always know what to say. I thought that it was better to stay quiet than to say the wrong thing but I now realize that is only adding to the problem. The silence makes the noise so much louder and even in my discomfort, my unsureness, my ignorance to the reality of the world, I have a voice and a platform and the privilege to be able to say the truth.
I cannot stay quiet any longer when the foundation of my life’s work is rooted in the hope of a world where everyone has the access to the tools and the sheer possibility to live a life of choice and of knowing oneself. The foundation of this hope will never come true if we continue to live in a world where not everyone is free. As
wrote in her most recent essay,I am only as free as my most oppressed neighbor; my experiences of abundance are only as rich as those who have the least.
The work I share is nothing if I am choosing to continue to live in a world where not everyone is free – free to do the work, free to choose their path, free to be alive. And by staying silent, by turning a blind eye, by avoiding the headlines because they make me feel uncomfortable, I am choosing to continue living in that world.
I don’t know where to go from here but I do know that it is my responsibility to do more than simply hope for a better world.
I need to take responsibility for the impact of my actions (or lack thereof) and the ways in which I have contributed to the problem, not for your pity or forgiveness; but to remind you that there is always more that we can do and we must accept our own shortcomings and commit to doing better.
The truth of the reality is that there are many people like me, privileged and completely disconnected from the harsh realities of this world. There is nothing in my immediate reality that has been affected over the past two months. No one that I love has been harmed. I do not stay up at night wondering if I will be targeted for the words I share online. I am running business as usual and yet, there are thousands (millions?) of people fighting for their life. I grew up in a reality where I could be anyone and do anything with my life and yet, there are millions of people who question if they will survive to see the next day.
As much as I believe in protecting your energy, you cannot I cannot continue to pretend that everything is business as usual. And it hasn’t been for a very long time. I cannot pretend that just because I can spend hours each day tending to myself that means that everyone else has that same privilege, access, or reality. When I am in the depths of my contemplation, I spiral into feelings of guilt and shame and the lingering question of “why me?” Why do I get to have this beautiful life filled with so much possibility, support, and opportunity when the reality for most is a life filled with grief, trauma, hardship, and survival?
Where do I end and where do you begin?
Is there a separation between our being-ness? What makes your suffering any different than mine or different than someone halfway around the world? Sure, the weight of the suffering may be greater but isn’t suffering, suffering? Don’t we all wake up in the morning and hope for something to change so that we can finally be happy?
I return to thinking about Bodhicitta, or the wish for all beings to be free from suffering. My study and practice of Buddhism anchors me in moments like this. It wakes me up to my own desire to not cause harm and responsibility to see the truth of little and big ways I do cause harm or may have caused harm in the past. It always surprises me when I find a new blind spot – a way that I have unknowingly been causing harm – but that is a part of the process, and the practice. It is impossible to be perfect and yet, there is perfection (and a lesson to learn) within it all.
I’ve been grappling with my perfectionism all year. I have sat in silence and contemplated how I show up for myself, my friends, my relationships but I have not yet taken the time to really, truly be honest with myself about how I show up for the world. How do I show up for the voices of people who have no place to be heard? How do I show up for strangers that I pass on the street? How do I show up for strangers who faces I will never meet? How do I show up for you since you are merely a reflection of me?
I haven’t been. I haven’t been showing up. I’ve been scared and overwhelmed and shameful that I do not know more. I am not proud of this and yet, I am proud that I finally have the ability to see things a little more clearly and see the ways in which I can do better, I can do more. I feel hesitant to share this because I feel hesitant to show up and say the wrong thing. But this piece is not meant to educate or inform or do anything more than (hopefully) get you to think about your own blind spots. I want to encourage you to look at what you have been avoiding, what feels too overwhelming to look at, and to your own responsibility within it all. As
said yesterday as a guest teacher in ‘s Writing The Personal,We owe each other truth and witnessing.
Two simple acts: truth and witnessing.
Two of the hardest things to do, especially in the face of injustice. It takes courage to bear witness to the realities of the world. It feels safer and easier to stay in the fantasy of your own mind or the hope for a better future but without the witnessing of how things are, we can never move towards the reality of something better.
I don’t know much but what I know to be true is that I believe in a future where we are all free to choose the life we want to live and who we want to be within it. We are far from that reality but I believe the hope for something better will continue us forward. I believe that until we see that there is no separation between you and me, there will always be someone fighting to be heard, to be seen, to simply survive. And until that person is no longer fighting, we have work to do. I have work to do. And although the work I share is primarily targeted towards those who have the privilege and access and space to tend to themselves and choose their own path forward, I hope in a future where my work and the tools I share can be a reality for all.
From here, where do we go? I think that is something you must answer for yourself. And for those who have been contemplating, discussing, educating on these topics for weeks, months, years, lifetimes – thank you. For me, I look forward to taking time this winter and beyond to digest and discern how I can continue to show up and show up better for all beings with love and with the hope for a better future.
I will leave you with the ancient Hawaiian practice of Ho’oponopono,
I’m sorry.
Please forgive me.
I Thank you.
I love you
Please share any thoughts, comments, questions, or suggestions in the comments or reply to the email. I’d love to keep this conversation going.
This piece from
which I quoted above stirred a lot within me. It was a wake up call of, oh yeah this does affect me. I’m grateful to learn from people like Anna.- writes which is really, really beautiful and potent and so necessary in this world. She recently published a book of poems titled Survival Takes a Wild Imagination. This is also a really great podcast with Fariha and –
I paid for a subscription to
by solely to read the her piece, What does it mean to live your values? It articulates a lot of things I am thinking and feeling and can’t seem to find the right combination of words to get out onto the page. It was beautiful and potent and left me feeling like, fuck…yeah, I can’t keep doing this. It also contains over 8 really good reflection questions at the end that I have already noted in my journal.How can I really embody what I say I care about, from right here, from exactly where I am, and how can I do so not just in name but in a way where I honor those values even when doing so requires that I give something up.
I watched Meeting The Man: James Baldwin in Paris this week. Here’s a beautiful excerpt from one of the interviews:
Freedom Is A Constant Struggle by Angela Davis is next on my reading list.
I’m inspired by the people who weave this work into their work and their values into their life. It makes me aware of the many places I still need to grow and the ways I need to take the time to question the truths of this world and develop my own opinions, beliefs, and values that were not just placed upon me as a child. It’s a long journey, one that we’ve been on for a while. I am here, with you. To my friends, to the eyes who read my words, and to the strangers who I will never meet – I commit to doing better for you. I commit to learning more for you. I commit to showing up for myself, to my art, to the world with an open heart and the courage to say something even when it feels scary. I hope you forgive me for all of the ways that I still could be doing more. I hope you feel my love even when I don’t express it. And I hope you know that I am here for you, always.
I think about many of the things you write. And you make me think about some things I should. It’s comforting.
THIS IS IT LOOK AT THIS GIFT OF A NEWSLETTER!!!!!