My entire life has been spend searching for belonging in every room I walk in. I sometimes feel like a chameleon adapting to every surface I touch. I survey my surroundings and try and become who I think I am supposed to be in that moment in order to fit in, for people to notice me, and to experience belonging. Belonging in the form of a laugh after something I say, a gentle hand on the shoulder to acknowledge I am there, or a message reading “I’ve been thinking of you.”
Belonging comes in many shapes and forms and can be found briefly in a passing interaction or rooted at the foundation of a connection. For me, belonging has always been equated with being liked. As long as I do everything perfectly, I will be liked and thus, belong. Of course, it doesn’t always work that way and it is nearly impossible to find belonging in every space you squeeze yourself into but I have always liked a challenge.
And if you’ve been following along for sometime, this idea of belonging in the form of like-ability definitely lines up with my deeply rooted perfectionist tendencies. Supportive for me? Not so sure. A valid and true reality that was born out of necessity? Definitely. Am I working on this? Each and everyday, my friend.
I am coming to terms with the fact that I don’t need to be for everybody.
I don’t need to get the entire world to like me in order to experience belonging. In fact, I can find belonging even if everyone in this world looked at me and said, “I don’t like the way you are you.”
(Ouch, that would sting.)
The truth is, I don’t like every book I read, cafe I visit, or food I eat. I don’t like every single writer on Substack (don’t come at me, it’s nothing personal) and I definitely do not want to be best friends with every person I have ever met. I am not for everybody and everybody is not for me.
One of my favorite sayings is, “you can be the juiciest, ripest peach and there will still be someone who doesn’t like peaches.”
I’m a peach girl, so it couldn’t be me. But I give you permission to savor whatever fruits strike your fancy! You’re allowed to not like peaches! Just as you are allowed to not like me! Or my writing. Or my cooking. Or the way I live my life.
My like-ability does not determine my worth. Nor my ability to succeed. Nor the opportunity to find belonging. It’s just a matter of taste.
When I was going on 50 first dates last year, I learned this lesson quickly. I learned that whether or not someone wants to go on a second date (or even a first) usually has nothing to do with who you are as a person. Well, it does. But just because who you are as a person doesn’t align with what that person is looking for, doesn’t mean there aren’t people out there dreaming of being with someone like you. It’s just a matter of taste.
It still stings, though.
It especially stings when I work diligently to show up authenticity most days.
It stings when I wear my heart on my sleeve and do all the things “right” and am still left heartbroken over someone who doesn’t want to give me the time of day. (Their loss!!!!!!!!!)
It’s stings because I am human.
When I am stung by the inevitable wound of rejection, I turn towards the places where I do feel seen, valued, and loved.
I spend time with the friends who think spending time with me, even if we are doing nothing, is a gift in their life. I spend time in the spaces where I don’t have to pretend to be someone else in order to be noticed. I call my parents and am reminded of all of the things I have to offer to this world. I read back my own writing and remember that I am doing this for the younger version of myself who never thought she would fit in this world.
I remind myself that it doesn’t matter if only 5 people in this world resonate with me, or my work, or the energy I exude. I would rather have those 5 than spend my entire life trying to be seen by an audience that doesn’t care to look past the surface or take the time to read between the lines.
I want everyone who engages with my work to find something within it that speaks to their soul but I do not expect every single person to be so taken by me that they pause the course of their life and welcome me in.
It is a truth of life that you will never be someone for everyone you meet.
It is true in regards to dating.
Or friendship.
Or your art.
Or the way you choose to live your life.
There will be days, months, years that you feel so alone in your own way of being that you question whether or not anyone will ever understand you.
And then there will be that one person who stops to pay attention. To ask you a question about the very thing that is closest to your heart. To say, “Hey! I’ve been waiting for someone like you!” One become two and two becomes four and before you know it, you have attracted an entire group of people who get you. An entire group of people who are ready to learn from you, listen to you, and engage with you more deeply than just saying hi.
The only way you are going to start attracting those people is if you start being yourself. And the only way you can start being yourself is if you stop being the version of yourself you think you should be in order to get everyone to like you.
I think there will always be a part of me that hopes to be this cool, alluring, intriguing person to everyone that I meet. The type of person that you immediately want in your life but I don’t think that’ll ever come true and I am in the process of being okay with that.
Being okay that not everyone wants to sit down with a cozy beverage and savor my writing as if they never wanted it to end.
Being okay with the fact that not every connection needs to be explored or deepened.
Being okay that in most situations, I feel like the black sheep. I feel like I am swimming upstream in a way of life that makes no sense to most.
Being okay that my entire life I have been looking for belonging in corners that reside outside of myself when in reality, all I’ve been needing for is acceptance within myself.
Being okay with not being for everyone is a part of the process that gets easier with age. It gets easier as you expand your capacity for compassion and to see what as we are all different, we are also all the same. And we all only have so much attention, which is sacred, and can’t always be on me.
I hope to move through life with more grace for others as they navigate through their own process. To remember that even though something may trigger my own insecurity, it is almost never about me. If I feel left out, left behind, or on my own, it is simply an opportunity to connect back to myself and realign with the vibration of the people that are truly meant for me. And if you are in the process of learning how to be okay with not being for everyone, I hope you remember that one day you will look around and be loved by people who breathe the very essence of your soul and see the way your eyes view the world. Your perspective, wisdom, and essence is medicine and as long as you allow it, it will find its way to the people who have been praying for it for their entire lives. My wish for you is that you gently glide into the lives of one another without hesitation or the desire to return to a place of separation. It’s out there. For you, for me, and for all of us to experience.
And to keep this conversation going, comment down below.
What does belonging mean to you? When do you feel the greatest sense of belonging?
How do you balance the human desire to be liked, accepted, or validated while maintaining authenticity and inevitably facing rejection?
Make a call to your people – who are you looking for? What types of people, spaces, corners of this world are you desiring the fill with your beautiful essence?
What is your most controversial unpopular opinion? Either something you really, really love that most people don’t or something you find wildly overrated?
I used to hold such a strong fear of rejection, until I no longer rejected any piece or part of myself. The fear falls away, then. 🤍🕊️
This was a lovely read! I deeply resonate and am currently learning this too – how to lean into and trust my own way of being, whatever that may be. I love when people are really niche and not for everyone – it makes them cool! But oh boy, it can be difficult to trust that the right people will eventually find you.