I think I'd rather be single
Maybe there's a reason why I've never had a boyfriend
My entire life, I’ve viewed being single as something less than, something temporary, something incomplete. In my mind, and in the brainwashing of what we’re told makes a life “whole”, finding a romantic partner has been the one thing I have been missing out on. I am almost 27 years old and I have never dated anyone for longer than a few months – certainly never calling them my boyfriend or being official enough to change my Facebook relationship status. Even while I have experienced my fair share of romantic connections that prove to me the love and connection I dream of is real, for the past 27 years, I thought something was wrong with me because I could never find anyone who liked me enough, more importantly who I liked enough, to share my life with. No one ever stuck around long enough to give me the one thing I have always believed would make my life whole.
Even though the belief that a romantic partnership was the one thing I was missing in my life, I don’t think I actually ever wanted it badly enough. I liked the idea of it, sure. I have spent years of my life dreaming of what the perfect partnership would look like. I have written lists of the qualities of my dream partner, the things I want to feel when I’m with them, and the things I will bring to the table in this relationship. I have spent countless nights dreaming about what it will finally feel like to experience the partnership I had always placed on the highest pedestal in my mind. But when it really comes down to it, when I actually get a chance to put myself out there and put energy towards the thing I’ve always dreamed of, I almost always decide against it or put myself in situations where I know I am not going to be able to find it.
I have a habit of going for the guy who is unavailable. I fall for a guy who lives on the complete opposite side of the world. I go on dating sprees in countries I know I will only be staying for a limited amount of time. I spend years of my life entertaining a relationship with someone who keeps me around to flirt and have a bit of banter but never anything more. I stop dating all together and proclaim to the universe that if I’m meant to be with someone, they will come into my life with ease and yet no one ever comes knocking at my door. And on the rare chance that something gets close to being real, I almost always find a reason why it’s not going to work.
I am realizing that even when the truest, deepest desire that I have always felt in my heart points in the direction of romantic partnership, I actually think I’d rather stay single.
I like the idea of a boyfriend and the fantasy of who he could be as long as he is living in my head but when I think about all of the things that would need to change if I actually stepped into the partnership I dream of, I don’t feel ready for it. If I go a layer deeper, and really get honest with myself, I don’t feel ready to sacrifice the life I have built as a single woman. It’s a hell of a lot more peaceful this way, and the thought of disrupting the life I have built with myself feels scary and quite frankly, I haven’t met anyone I’d want to disrupt this life for.
So what if I enjoy being single?
My brain is so programmed to believe that it is my job as a woman to search for a partner to make my life whole, but what if my job was to show people that there is another way?
What if I like my freedom and independence and the strength I feel walking through this world firmly rooted in myself? What if I am happy with the way my life looks, without the partnership I am supposed to want? What if the relationships I have with my friends allow me to experience an even deeper unconditional love than any romantic relationship could? What if everything, all along, was pointing me towards the greatest love I could ever experience – the love I have for myself? It is the greatest gift tending to the relationship I have with myself and I am not ready to let go of that. I love my life, and myself as is. And it will take a special person to come into my life and bring more to the table than I am already bringing myself.
It is easy to romanticize the idea that a person, or a relationship, or a job, or a move to another country is the missing puzzle piece in my life and for many years I used that as a way to reinforce the idea that I needed something outside of myself to give me worth. I needed someone to choose me. I needed to prove to the world that I was lovable when in reality, all I needed to do was love myself. I’d be waiting my entire life if I was waiting around for someone or something to save me.
The truth is, life is messy and confusing and disorienting and the answer is not always as simple as meeting the perfect partner and falling into the perfect partnership. I know that the love and partnership I dream of is out there waiting for me. But I also know that so much about life is out of my control – I can’t plan when I am going to meet my person, or experience the great love(s) I have been dreaming of since I was a little girl. But that doesn’t mean I am going to stop living and loving my life just because I haven’t found it yet.
When I think about it this way, I thank god my life has panned out the way it has. I couldn’t imagine what my life would look like if I hadn’t spent the past seven years intentionally dating and falling in love with myself. I still find myself re-downloading dating apps every few months to check and see if my knight in shining armor is out there waiting for me (lol on Hinge? Nikki, are you okay?) but when I fall asleep at night, I remind myself that I’d rather stay single for as long as I need to so that I can focus my energy towards building the life of my dreams and becoming the woman of my dreams rather than spending my entire life waiting for someone to come and complete me.
I hold onto the trust that I will meet the people I am meant to meet at the exact moment I am meant to meet them and I know that great loves me find me along the way. Whether those loves come in the form of friends, teachers, lovers, or strangers, I know it is all an invitation back to the source of it all. An infinite, unconditional, everlasting love that can never be taken from me. It is the thread that binds us all and connects us to all there ever was.
I am a hopeless romantic who loves deeply and lives fully. I wear my heart on my sleeve and convince myself that I have fallen in love approximately five minutes after I meet someone. I love that part of me and I love the part of me that will always hold onto the fantasy of the greatest love that I have yet to experience. But I will no longer allow that fantasy to take anything away from this moment in front of me. I am open to love and romance and being swept off my feet but I must remember that there is nothing for me to find - only life and love waiting to be experienced.
For my lover girls (and boys) who are waiting to meet that one person that will make their life make sense, what if it was you all along? What if you are the love you have been searching for?
Even though the only valentine I’ve ever had has been my mom or this sweet sweet boy in the 1st grade (who I did not like back), Valentine’s Day is one of my favorite holidays. I LOVE LOVE! I LOVE CELEBRATING LOVE! I LOVE CHEESY VALENTINE’S AND BOXES OF CHOCOLATE! And I don’t care if it’s an artificial holiday created just for us to spend money. I love any and every excuse to romanticize my life, romance myself, and express love towards every single person I meet.
Get dressed up and do whatever you would would love to do with a partner…with a friend, or better yet with yourself.
Eat multiple sweet treats ( a slice of cake, your favorite pastry, an ice cream sundae, go crazy) (I will be going to a cinnamon roll cafe with my friend
)Write love letters to everyone you’ve ever had a crush on (maybe don’t send them) OR to all of the people you truly love, potentially lover or not (and definitely send them)
Stay off of social media if it’s going to make you sad. Instead, call someone in your life who might be lonely and remember that often times the best part about having a crush or being in love is actually the feeling with get from expressing love / caring for someone.
What’s the most romantic dinner you can think of? Buy all of the ingredients, set the table, light some candles and make it for yourself. (I think I am going to make a ragu with fresh pappardelle and homemade tiramisu – all for myself)
Go to a dance class to remind you that you are that bitch.
Watch cheesy 90s romcoms and cry. Remind yourself that it is okay to want to be in a relationship when you’re not. Remember that feeling lonely only means that you have a desire to be in deeper connection to others. What are some ways you can connect more deeply with the people who are already in your life?
Make a list of all of the people in your life who make you feel loved – romantic love isn’t the end all be all. Think of all of the different ways in your life you feel loved, valued, and appreciated.
Do nothing because when you really think about it, Valentine’s Day is a completely made up holiday.
I hope you always remember how worthy of love you are – with or without all of the things you think you need to have in order to be good enough in this lifetime.
PS – I wouldn’t say no if you wanted to send me a valentine <3
Thank you for this!!!
Love all these ideas!