In Anticipation of Winter
I'm going into winter with a game plan and here's how I plan on making the most of it
At the top of every month, I share an extended essay and resources + insights for the month ahead for all paid subscribers. This is a deeper, more intimate look into my process and the practices I am implementing to support me (and you!)
PS: The essay is too long for email, so if you’re reading it in your inbox, you will eventually come to a “View entire message” link - click on that and the rest of the email should show up normally. You can also click here and read the entire thing online.
I have found myself nervous for winter to come. Scrolling frantically through the apps to find someone to share my warmth with, brainstorming ways for me to fill my time during the months in which I don’t want to bare the cold. I am scared that the stillness of winter will come, and I won’t like what I see.
As soon as the dust settles, the weather chills, and the days shorten, who will I become? What will I find and what will be left?
I am no stranger to the darkness. It is a place I often find solace in. I swim through the depths and come up for air whenever I please. As a Scorpio Rising, the depths are where I transform. And yet, I am still nervous for winter to come.
It is less so the darkness that scares me but rather the lack of movement. The stillness of the trees after a snow storm, the lull in my social calendar, the quiet of the early nights and cold mornings. I do not know who I am without movement, without output, without doing something with my time. I move swiftly and with ease, and I have always found myself able to juggle everything at once. But as I listen to my body and the song of my soul, I know as I continue to make space in my life, I must rest in the silence.
It is my work to befriend the things that inevitably will come up once I stop distracting myself.
What would happen if I stopped scrolling every time I felt bored? What would happen if I didn’t download a dating app every time I felt lonely? What would happen if I stopped trying to numb, distract, and avoid and instead, let myself befriend the stillness?
There is magic that happens once you stop doing. Once you create enough space in your life, and trust in a force much greater than you, you are able to surrender to the current of the Universe and flow of your inner being. Instead of forcing your way through life, what if you let life happen for you?
Have you ever noticed how everything comes in at the exact perfect time? Never sooner and never later. A note from a friend, a call from a loved one, a job offer when you have given up on your search. It’s as if something bigger than us all is forever conspiring in our favor. I was reminded of this in the form of a note I received yesterday. It was attached to a letter I had written to myself last October. The note was from my friend George (Hi, George👋🫶) and gave me the perspective I needed to wake me up from my self-criticism. I read the note and the letter I wrote myself and was like, 'oh yea, that’s right.’ I need to rejoice for the me right now – not the me who I think is perfect, or better, or the best. Things are perfect as is. I might feel uncomfortable in my human suit today but that doesn’t mean anything needs to change or be fixed. Let me celebrate the magic of the now.
I anticipate that as I turn inward during the winter months, I will not find a big, dark monster lurking in the corner. I doubt I will discover something about myself that I do not yet know. If my intuition is correct, I will see the same stories and shadows that continue to come up. Themes about worthiness, productivity, and loneliness will continue to permeate throughout my process because that is where my work is right now. My hope in creating space, through taking time off of being online and setting boundaries IRL, is that I will be able to reach the root of these shadows. My hope is to stop putting a bandaid on the problem and actually let some of these wounds heal. Instead of constantly trying to fix and change, I want to give space to simply be present.
Presence is one of the greatest lessons of winter. Stillness breeds presence and with nothing else to do except be, I hope to find more magic in my life. I hope to stop looking forward to something in the future that might bring me happiness and instead, choose to find the joy of living in the now.
Let December be as it is. Use this time to reflect not on what you didn’t accomplish but rather, all of the goodness that came into your life this year. One of my favorite practices is to go through each month and recall moments of magic or moments that surprised me. A year ago, I was living in New York City nearing the end of a 200 hour meditation teacher training. I had no idea where I was going after – I absolutely did not expect to be back a year later living in Brooklyn with no desire to escape.
I’ll be back at the end of this month with more guidance on reflection and intention setting and support as we move into the season of stillness.
But for now, enjoy the rest of fall, enjoy the buzzing energy of the holiday season, and let things fall away in order to create space to bask in presence throughout the winter.
Everything is perfect as is.
It is okay to not yet be where you want to go.
Recognize the magic in the mundane.
Express gratitude for how far you’ve come.
And in case you missed it, from now until the Winter Solstice on December 21, I am offering 20% all paid memberships (forever!) for The Process. After the 21st, my posts will be paywalled in effort to create a more intimate container for my own exploration of myself, my art, and Winter. Thank you for being here with me.
I’m so proud of you.
Warmly, Nikki.