On Wanting to Change The Body You Are In
There is no need for you to try and take up less space
I’ve always been hyper aware of the space I was taking up in this world.
For fifteen years of my early life, I stood in front of the mirror for hours comparing my body to the body of others – being a dancer shaped me into the person I am today in many ways.
I’ve talked about my experience with disordered eating and orthorexia in the past but have been quiet about it in the past few years. I thought it had made its way out of my mind but with the holiday season approaching and after a year of thoroughly enjoying life, I find myself standing in front of the mirror wondering if anyone else can notice if I’ve gained weight.
It’s funny because I don’t know if I’ve gained weight or not, and it doesn’t really matter. But I feel bigger. Home in my childhood bedroom, I try on clothes from high school and college and wonder why they don’t fit me the same as they once did. I compare photos of myself from now and this time last year to see if there is a noticeable difference in the way my face looks. I find anything I can to measure and compare and criticize the body that I am currently housed in.