The Art of Saying No

You aren’t a bad person so saying no to the things you don’t want to do

Lately, I’ve noticed myself saying no more than usual.

No, I don’t want to go out tonight. No, this friendship is no longer working for me. No, I am not going to write my newsletter this week. No, I am not interested in going on a date with you. No, I don’t need to buy another thing I don’t need. No, I don’t want to go to the new restaurant that everyone is posting about. No, I do not want to do that, go there, or be a part of that. Thank you for thinking of me, but no thanks.

As a recovering people pleaser, this practice feels revolutionary. It feels thrilling to feel empowered by saying no – setting boundaries not only with others but myself. It is not an easy practice and I find myself sending voice messages nearly every other week to my best friend exclaiming, “Am I a bad person for saying no?”

ON FEELING BAD WHEN YOU SAY NO

When I set a boundary, and say no to someone or something, my brain tells me I am making a grave mistake and it is my responsibility to take care of whatever or whoever is going to be affected. My sweet (and silly) brain doesn’t always remember that when I say no to something that is out of alignment, I am simply saying yes to myself.

But so often, before I can say yes to myself, I immediately jump to accommodating someone else. I say yes, even as things add to my to-do list and the hours fill up on my calendar. I’d rather “make things work” and sacrifice myself and my own needs because I am so afraid of letting anyone down. But the reality is that by doing this, the only person I am letting down is me.

via @liztranwrites

It is so easy to fall into the trap of “this is what’s expected of me” “this is what I’ve always done” “this is how it’s always going to be” but what if you could adjust the way you operate in life to support you rather than have your baseline be a burden or added stressor? By checking in with your desire, energy, and capacity before saying yes or not places you in the driver’s seat of your life rather than at the whim of what everyone else needs from you.

ON KNOWING WHEN TO SET A BOUNDARY

Through years of diving off the deep end towards a life in devotion to myself, I’ve realized that I don’t think I truly learned to care for myself until I learned to say no. No to doing the things I think I should do, even when I know I don’t want to do them. No to forcing myself into the box of who I think I should be, and feeling bad about myself if I do something else. No to anything that is not an enthusiastic yes. As I get clearer and clearer on my values and the things I want to prioritize in my life, I am able to use them values as a roadmap to know when and where to set my boundaries.

In this current season of life I find myself in, I am stretching beyond the me that I know. I am pushing myself harder than I ever have before, accomplishing more than I thought was possible in a short amount of time. And because of how disorienting a season like this can be, the boundaries of how I spend my time are strong – prioritized for rest and the things that anchor me into my connection with myself. Anything else needs to go on the back burner for now.

There will be seasons of your life that will be for protecting your peace, and some will be for expanding your comfort zone. Some will be for exploring and putting yourself out there and saying yes to all of the opportunities that life places in front of you.

No matter the season you are in, there is always going to be power in saying no. It is time to release the pressure you place on yourself to do everything, be everything for everyone, and keep saying yes to more and more and more because that’s what you were taught to do. It is important to remember that you can have everything you want in life but at some point you must let go of something in order to make space for something new.

The key to the practice of saying no is not about saying no to anything and everything that you can’t be bothered to deal with but discerning where you are investing your energy and choosing differently if and when something feels out of alignment. Feel into the constriction that comes up when something is offered to you and you want to decline. When you get clear on your no, on the things that do not work for you in this season of your life, you are that much closer to your yes. Imagine a world in which your entire life felt like a yes, what would it feel like to show up in that way?

prompts for your process –

• How easy is it for you to say no to friends, strangers, yourself? Do you push yourself to say yes, even when you want to say no? Do you bite your tongue and ignore what you need in order to accommodate someone else?

• Do you feel guilty if you say no? Do you feel the pressure to offer an excuse?

• Do you know what a no feels like in your body? What about a yes?

• What is life asking of you right now? Do you need to set tighter boundaries or loosen the reins and trust yourself to move past your comfort zone?

• For those of you who have no trouble with setting boundaries, what advice would you give someone who finds saying no challenging?

And finally, I will leave you with an invitation for the next time you feel hesitant to say no: by setting this boundary, what am I saying yes to?

With love,

Nikki

PS – There are quite a few new faces here and I wanted to express my gratitude for you joining this little corner of the internet. Feel free to reply back and say hi, I’d love to hear about what’s going on in this season of your process <3

PSS – I know this disclaimer isn’t needed but I felt the need to say: there are MANY layers to the conversation about saying no and setting boundaries. There’s a lot of rhetoric in today’s society around protecting your peace and setting boundaries that def skews towards conflict avoidance and hyper individualism. This conversation does not touch on that. I’m focusing more on sharing about the process of healing my people pleasing, learning advocating for myself, communicate boundaries compassionately / clearly / effectively, and how empowering it has been to PRACTICE saying no as a form of caring for myself. An important piece to the puzzle is that I have not gone into is around navigating setting boundaries and caring for yourself while also caring for those around you and intentionally tending to your inter personal relationships. Perhaps a conversation for another day?