I miss my friends!
Semi sappy sick reflections on independence, friendship, and taking care of yourself.
Dear reader,
Do you like when I write to you like this? Or would you prefer I kept this directed to no one and everyone, all at once?
Sometimes I feel like I am writing the ether and other times I imagine I am writing to a dear friend. It feels more special. More intimate. I wish you could write to me in the same way…well, maybe you can. Simply hit *reply* and share what has been on your heart.
I am slowly getting over my semi-annual seasonal allergies that always seem to hit me at the worst time–when my best friend is visiting, the first weekend of a highly interactive training, the weekend before a big trip, etc. But maybe it’s actually the best time. Maybe it’s a reminder to slow down and be present with what really matters.
When I start to feel sick, I immediately take every holistic supplement, tincture, and immunity shot I can get my hands on. I go to sleep at 8pm and bundle up in layers of blankets. I lay in bed all day and drink nothing but my favorite ginger turmeric tea from Trader Joe’s. I usually start to feel better after a day or two but I am always hesitant to get back into my life. No matter how badly I want to feel better, I am worried if I push too hard, too soon, I’ll get sick again.
This fear definitely comes from the months I was sick with mono while studying abroad in Belgium and traveling (and partying) every weekend. I’d go away, feel sick, sleep all week, feel better, and then do it all again. Thankfully, that time in my life has passed and I am simply a little under the weather but I still have a tendency to stay holed up in my apartment a little longer than maybe I should.
It’s this inner dialogue between my body and my mind. My body wants more rest and more time to myself and yet my mind says, you can’t keep flaking on your friends. Where do you draw the line between tending to yourself and tending to those you love? I ask because I feel I often over-prioritize myself and my needs and don’t always have the space or capacity for the people who I love and who love me.
I’ve always operated out of the idea that you can’t pour from an empty cup and thus, I fill my own cup up first. But lately that hasn’t been enough. What if it is not simply about filling your own cup up but letting your friends (family, community, etc.) in actuality, take care of you? What if all this time I have been wrong in my impulse to be the sole caretaker of myself? What if in those moments of '“I need alone time”, I really need to be more vocal in how I can be better cared for?
It’s a blurry line because there is a sacredness to being in relationship to self and an importance in caring for yourself in order to better care for others. But as someone who often veers on the side of hyper-independence, it is my work to open myself up to be supported, cared for, and nurtured. It is my practice is say, “I need you right now.”
Those five words are never easy for me to say. I rarely ever do. I grew up believing that it was easier and safer to depend on no one but myself. I pride myself on my independence and my ability to adapt to any environment but it has always left me feeling at arm’s length with every connection around me. I create a false sense of intimacy through manufactured vulnerability never allowing myself to share the depths of my own heart. This is a pattern that was born out of necessity but led me to avoid any signs of real closeness with another.
I didn’t expect this to go here. But, here we are.
I wrote something a few days ago related to this exploration of friendship which I will share below. It’s all starting to make a lot more sense to me. It’s much more of a “me” thing than it is a “them” thing. I always remind my friends that most things people think, say, and feel have nothing to do with them and everything to do with the person experiencing that thing. It’s true and I am constantly reminded of it.
Take care of yourself this week.
I love you,
Nikki
What happens when life gets too busy to see your friends? When weeks and months go by without a proper catch up and on a cold rainy afternoon you wonder if you were forgotten?
I know that’s not the case but that is where my mind goes. My mind goes to the things I could do to rekindle the spark, the things I could have done to make sure it didn’t die out in the first place. But the reality is that life is busy and sometimes you don’t have the space to perfectly balance all of the things, responsibility, and people that you care about.
In the past, I sent voice messages and post cards when I was living an ocean away from most of my friends. I would stay in touch and make sure that no one felt forgotten about. I dreamed of the day where I was in the same city as most of my friends so that we could have weekly dinners in and spontaneous nights out. Even though in this place I now call my home, I have so many friends from varying points of my life, I find myself doing many things alone.
I sometimes feel as if I am barely holding on to many friendships that once felt like my entire world. It’s as if their connection is slowly fading away and I am left wondering, what more can I do? But the truth is that it doesn’t always matter how often I check in or how many days a week we spend together. Some of the most important relationships in my life consist of seeing each other a couple times a year and FaceTimes every few months. Some friendships have a daily rapport and others are left for “whenever I’m home.” And that is okay.
I am coming to terms with the fact that not everything in my life has to be perfect. My friendships. My apartment. My daily life. The way I show up for the world. The more I try to make something perfect, the more forced it becomes. The more forced it becomes, the more resistance I have to the present moment.
I have to remember in the process of giving myself grace that I am not the only one doing so. The people in my life don’t love me because I am perfect in the way I show up for them. They love me for trying. They love me for me as I am. And I must remember that they, also, are able to give me grace. Just as I am for them.
It is a continuous process of accepting the moment as it is. To know that there is so much love all around even when I can’t see it. In this moment of life, I return to the belief that we are all just trying are best. We are all showing up in our life the best way we can. It ebbs and flows – our capacity and the ability to hold space for others, for ourself. And I embrace it all.
Even in a season where I am wanting to be closer to my people, I remember that they are always there — in my heart and in my mind and in my life when I call to them.
This reflection and exploration is one that has been on my mind for sometime. It’s a question I ask myself often, what is my capacity? Where do I want to prioritize my energy? What feels out of balance? And what relationships do I want to tend to in this moment?
The answers vary but they are always clear. Each moment is changing and in each moment I need something different. But that is the beauty of life.
I hope you find the grace within yourself to not only give to those around you but to give yourself in the moments when your best doesn’t feel good enough. And to my people, I love you and I honor where you are at in every given moment. Thank you for letting me be a part of your journey — no matter how far we stray away, I am in your corner cheering you on.
I got new curtains! I am on month five in this apartment and taking my time to find the perfect decorations. I am not used to having this much color in my room but I think I love how it looks with the morning light?!
I went upstate this weekend and spend the equinox in the coziest cabin in the Catskills. I journaled and read and watched the latest season of Sex Education. Hiiiighly recommend getting out of the city for a few days every few months if you live in NYC. I felt like a new person after breathing in the mountain air for a few days.
If you are also struggling with seasonal allergies, here’s my go-to combo. Might be a lil overkill but it’ll knock the cold right out of your sinuses. I try and take Immuplex and Allerplex from Standard Process on the reg. Then whenever I feel under the weather, I’ll start taking Wellness Formula. I love this propolis spray. And throat coat and ginger turmeric tea are my favorite ones. In a perfect world, I’d be consistent with taking elderberry syrup and fire cider throughout the colder months but we do what we can. (This is my friend, Katie’s, brand! Go support her!)
Ok I’m getting tired from all of this writing. Going to go cozy up with some daal (even though I’m really wishing I had more leftovers of this soup my friend made me on Sunday). Until next week, friends