Desire.
I like to be desired and I like to have an object of desire.
I almost always have one — a crush, an unrequited fantasy that is mostly made up in my mind but pushes me forward each day.
When I was in elementary school, I remember trying to have as many crushes as I could. I would write in my diary about all of the boys in my grade or the grade above me and all of the reasons I liked them.
“He makes me laugh.” “He is nice.” “He is smart” “He is popular.” “Everyone else likes him, so I will too.”
I’ve always loved the thrill of the chase and the intimacy of desire.
Even if it went nowhere, it helped me to orient myself within this vast world. To feel myself in relation to others is a way for me to find myself in this world. It provides a feeling of belonging.
It gives affirmation in your own existence.
When you are seen by another, it is acknowledgment that you are here in this world. It sounds obvious but at times this life can feel so singular that this acknowledgment is the only way to remind yourself that you are a part of something that is so much bigger.
To desire is powerful because it reminds us of choice. To be desired is powerful because it reminds us that we exist. Both are different and profound and certainly not always used in a way that is healthy or supportive. Desire is a way we can orient ourselves within this world that seems to do everything in its will to disorient us away from ourselves.