10 Things That Inspired My Process in January
I was *this close* to giving up this newsletter for good, but here we are.
I haven’t wanted to write for the majority of January. I cancelled my membership to the writing group I’ve been in for the past six months and spent way too many hours scrolling through Substack looking at all the publications I wish I could be like – which actually made me feel like shit, not surprising. BUT Julia Cameron would be proud because I am still writing my morning pages (which look more like scribbles that I can hardly decipher and mostly consisting of me:
spiraling about whether or not I should stop writing this newsletter (I’m not going to…for now)
psycho-analyzing why I keep having friendship breakups (I’ll write about this eventually)
brainstorming ideas of things to do to keep my seasonal depression at bay (Suggestions welcome pls)
Not all morning pages are filled with life changing insights but the practice of showing up everyday really does work its magic.)
I sheepishly admit to my writer friends whenever I see them, “I’m having a bit of a moment with my newsletter. Is it bad that I don’t care about it anymore?” as if it were a spell that would make it come true if I spoke it too loud. Of course nothing happened when I admitted I was thinking about ending this newsletter – not in my morning pages, or to my friends, or in the goodbye letter sitting in my drafts. In fact, it felt like a relief. I think I needed to speak the words aloud – to process the doubt and fear I was feeling – in order to get to a place where I actually wanted to move forward.
It is freeing to admit that you might be done with something.
Whether it’s a newsletter, or friendship, or job, or city you have always called home. It takes courage to see the possibility of life without this thing, especially when it feels so tightly wound to your identity. Who would you be if you let go of all of the things in your life that makes you, you? Who would you be without them? Who could you become without them?
I wrote about falling away from your practices last month. And I keep returning to the idea that I am allowed to take a break, I am allowed to step back, I am allowed to say this isn’t working for me. Sometimes that space is the necessary ingredient to see things from a new perspective, reignite your why, and tend to the embers of motivation that had been dying out. And sometimes the space gives you the confirmation that it is truly time to move on. Either way, when things feel sticky and like you are forcing something where you once felt at ease, you can keep pushing up against the resistance or you can take a step back in order to create the space for new information to come in.
Even though I was convinced I needed to give up writing for good, I never felt settled in that decision – it felt like the easy way out. My mind swung back and forth between what to do and I realized that the reason I couldn’t stop thinking about what to do was proof that I still cared. The reason why my mind couldn’t settle was because I wanted to work things out. I wasn’t ready to let go of it yet. And I saw, so clearly, my impulse to run away as soon as I feel any ounce of discomfort. It has always been easier to leave with no explanation than to sit with the discomfort of working things out, or of not knowing what to do next.
So, here I am writing to you– with many thoughts swirling through my head but very little desire to truly sort through them in a meaningful way. But I am happy to be here and I am happy you are too. Here’s to moving through the moments in our life where we are not quite sure what is coming next but trusting that the clarity will come, that the next steps will reveal themselves, and that we remain always grounded within ourselves regardless of what takes shape.
What inspired your process in January?
MUSIC: I’m already obsessed with their hand soap, but who knew Aesop had such incredible music taste?! I can’t stop listening to this playlist. And for all of my club-goers, this mix has no skips and I am obsessed with Fcukers.
COLD OUTREACHING: I’m back in my era of sending a sweet DM or email to people I think are cool and asking them to get coffee. I’ve made some of my best friends this way and always leave feeling inspired after connecting with someone and learning about their journey (…or should I say process) that led them to where they are today. If you’re in NY, doing cool things (or think I seem cool🤭), don’t be afraid to slide into my DMs.
EXTRACURRICULARS: I had a moment last week where I was going stir crazy and frustrated with how much screentime my days are filled with so I opened up my laptop, bought tickets to a kitschy 80s film at Metrograph, tickets to see the Opera in March, and mapped out a list of all of the extracurriculars I want to do this winter – yoga, dance classes, gallery openings, and trying all of the classic NYC institutions for a dirty martini and skinny french fries. I miss being in clubs! We need more extracurriculars!
What extracurriculars do you want to take this month?
WORK: Part of the reason why I have felt so uninspired with my writing is because the majority of my creative energy is going towards working with incredible female writers who have books coming out this year. More to come on this but you can pre-order Renegade Grief (on sale 3/11) and The Mother Code (on sale 5/6) – we are working HARD to get these books out and I am so so proud and honored to be a part of it.
FRIDAY MORNING SOLO DATES: I’m making it a tradition to spend Friday mornings with myself. This week I went to an early morning yoga class
followed by a cortado and breakfast sandwich at Oh Mercy. I sipped the coffee slowly while I scribbled in my journal. There’s something so luxurious about starting the weekend (I do consider Friday as the weekend even if I have to work) out with a solo date.
the SEC and cortado at Oh Mercy in Greenpoint is *chefs kiss* HOMEMADE CHEX MIX: My mom makes the best homemade chex mix and I recently made a batch for my cousin’s going away party. I definitely burnt half of it but the cheesy, zesty, crunchy combination is dangerously addictive but always a crowd pleaser.
ART: I went to the Guggenheim to see the Harmony and Dissonance exhibition after catching up with a past love who I hadn’t seen in three years. It was an emotional day and I definitely sat in front of some of the pieces of art and cried and walked up and down the spiral ramp a few times just to move through what I was feeling. BUT the art was beautiful and I learned that a museum is the perfect environment for me to process big emotions.
THE CLASS: The Class by Taryn Toomey has always been one of my favorite workout classes in the city. Is it expensive? Yes. Is it accessible? No, you’re literally jumping around the entire class and I have to skip dinner just to be able to afford a class. But do you feel amazing afterwards? A million times yes. Sometimes I cry, sometimes I laugh, but I always feel like I have been reborn. My friend Courtney teaches there and her classes are life changing.
public records during the day > MY FAVORITE PLACES TO WFH: As much as I love my apartment, I am going stir crazy and making it my mission to spend a couple of days a week working out of the house. My favorite spots are always hotel lobbies, especially the Ace Hotel in Downtown Brooklyn but I also love Public Records (get their chocolate chip cookies).
COOL PEOPLE I AM INSPIRED BY: Remember when I said I was sucked into a vortex of scrolling on Substack and comparing myself to all of the people I loved? Well it was for good reason because they have incredible, beautiful, inspiring publications. I love
by my friend . I am a long time fan of by . And I recently stumbled upon which I cannot wait to dive into. I am grateful to have so many incredibly talented peers and friends in this online (and IRL) world <3 (Even when I am spiraling into my own insecurities, I remind myself that everything I experience in my life is merely a reflection of a part of me, or a potential I have yet to tap into. I am grateful to be so inspired by my friends because they help me to see where I want to grow and who I want to become.)
On to February, my loves. See you soon.
Nikki
I keep telling myself I need to get better about leaving my apartment and working from somewhere else! I also LOVE apartamento 710 and keepsake — and The Process <3
Thank you for sharing! I can’t wait to dive into ‘The Process’ too 🫶🏼