It's time to stop making excuses
aka I am done wallowing in my own suffering – when something isn't working, try something new!
I’m going to be honest with you, this year hasn’t been easy. It’s confusing because it hasn’t been bad and I haven’t necessarily been through *that* many trials and tribulations but I’ve had more days where I didn’t want to get out of bed than days that I reveled in the beauty of this life. It’s been a year of transition, shedding, shadow work, and meeting myself in a new way of being. It’s been beautiful and I’ve learned so much but I keep feeling like, when am I going to feel like myself again?
When is the motivation going to come back? When am I going to feel inspired? When am I going to find a routine that feels good and doesn’t involve watching hours of Netflix each day? When am I going to consistently wake up excited for the day ahead instead of twiddling my thumbs until I find some way to spend my time?
Currently listening to:
A big thing to note is that all of our suffering is created within our own mind. The reality is that I am being hard on myself and probably being dramatic and trying to force my own timeline of healing. THIS is the work. This is the process. And I’m just being honest with you about what goes on inside of my head throughout it all.
While externally, it may look like my life is this glamorous NYC life filled with exploring new neighborhoods, taking weekend trips upstate, and always being out and about (all true, and definitely a part of my life), there has also been a lot of days spent in bed. Many days spent journaling for hours to try and work through my own insecurities and triggers that came from something in the outside world. Mornings spent journaling, always. There has been a lot of doubt in my own value brought to this world, my own path and how I want to move forward. I’m 25 – what else do I expect from this time in my life?
But if you haven’t already noticed through my writing, I expect a lot from life. I expect a lot from myself. Even when I consciously understand that I don’t need to “figure anything out,” I still get discouraged when my path forward doesn’t feel clear. I compare myself to those around me and nitpick every little thing I could be doing better. I expect this time in my life to be filled with the glamorized stories about living in New York in your twenties that I will one day write about in my books. I expect late nights and fairy tale romances. I expect clarity and motivation to work towards becoming the woman I know I can be (but what’s wrong with the version of myself right now?)
You know what they say about expectations, they always lead to disappointment.
In effort to be a little kinder to myself, I continue to work on releasing expectations of how my life is supposed to look. I feel like I write about this every week in some form or another – there are some things that take more than a single essay to work through. Again, this is the process not the end result.
If you’re new here, hiiiiii! Here are some of my favorite pieces from the past few weeks and months. Read more here –
Is it me? Am I the drama?
I have decided to stop being good
An Internally Centered Idea of Success
A Cup Overflowing
A Conversation With Self No. 1: I don’t feel like I am doing enough
So what happens next? How do you release the expectations of how you think life is supposed to go while also moving forward in your life? For me, it’s a question of, how do I get myself out of this rut and build new habits and routines that support me to be/become a better version of myself? If there is something in my life that is not working, what can I shift for life to feel more supportive?
Because, let me tell you, not leaving your apartment and barely seeing anyone face to face for a week is not that supportive. Even when you are sick.
Last week, I wrote about missing my friends. I was feeling lonely and insecure and stuck in a story that has followed me for my entire life. My immediate impulse is to retreat, to isolate, to pull back. When I feel big feelings, I shut down. It’s what led me to feeling nothing for a good chunk of my teenage years. This time, instead of my usual avoidance, I sat with the big feelings. I let myself feel sad and disappointed and frustrated with all of the things I thought were wrong.
And magically, as if I was *gasp* processing my emotions, I started to see things a little more clearly. I was able to see the bigger picture. To understand that it’s not personal, has nothing to do with me, and is really just showing me a need that is not currently being met. I was able to see the part I was playing and how I could take responsibility for whatever suffering was arising in that moment. The more space I carved out to make room for what I was experiencing, the less it had power over me. I was able to say, okay this feels uncomfortable right now but I am open to shifting my perspective in order to experience more ease.
I thought about taking a break from writing this week. I pondered about whether or not I am oversharing or if anyone really cares what I have to say – can you tell I’ve been having a moment with my self esteem?!?! – and I figured I needed a break.
And yet, last night, I went to an event to read books in a group of about 30 strangers and that changed everything. I was reminded in the power of community, the power of words, and the necessity of my words not only for others but for myself. I am currently reading A Life of One’s Own, a book on nine prominent female writers through history and their journey of beginning again and of life of writing from sheer necessity rather than desire. Yes, I thought, I need to write. It is not a question of if I want to but rather that I have to. It’s inspiring for me to learn about the life of a writer and it is encouraging for me to be around other writers. It reminds me of the duty I have to myself to continue pushing forward in this craft no matter how uncertain things might feel. I am not writing to become an author – I am writing because it is simply something I must do.
And I always seem to know what I need to do even when I don’t want to do it.
When you let your intuition guide, you must get your ego out of the way. Stop filling your mind with excuses as to why you need to keep things as they are and instead, courageously walk towards the calling of your soul. Sometimes that calling feels like jumping off a cliff into an abyss of the unknown and sometimes it is a menial as signing up for a gym membership. Sometimes it requires you to wake up an hour earlier and others times it asks you to completely rework your schedule to support you in a different way. It is divine wisdom and we don’t always have the practice to listen.
I’ll remind you as I remind myself every morning, have grace with yourself. Give yourself permission to fumble and feel messy and raw and unraveled. Sometimes life feels easy and others it feels hard. Some days, weeks, months, years feel like you are pushing a boulder up a hill and that is okay. Give yourself what you need – and only you truly know what that thing is. If something is not working, try something new. We will continue to get the same results if we always do things the same way. Prioritize the things that make you feel good (physically, emotionally, mentally). Be honest with yourself when you are making excuses for why life has to stay the way that is is. Allow the space for what’s meant to come in but letting go of what has already served its purpose.
Don’t rush the process of healing. It is not necessarily to spend our lives chasing the experience of feeling good. It is okay to wake up and not feel like yourself. It is okay to move through life and have no clue what you want to do next. Maybe this moment is about discovering a version of you that has not yet been born.
I love you.
Nikki
I am a sucker for a wholesome night and Reading Rhythms provides that. An hour of reading in a group of fellow book lovers? Sign me up. I love reading and I love meeting new people so this was the perfect Monday evening activity for me. Plus I met some of the kindest and coolest people and got a whole list of new books I want to read. Learn more here.
Speaking of reading, I am also reading The Art of Solitude by Stephen Batchelor. It’s a bit Buddhist, a bit philosophical, and all about the importance of solitude. It’s great. Highly recommended.
If you’re in NYC, I have some friends who are really incredible yoga teachers and I want to share them with you (no gatekeeping at this party!!!!!!) I’m inspired by their commitment to their practice as well as to bettering themselves for their students. I have taken A LOT of yoga in this city, and although they are my friends, they are also some of my favorite teachers.
I will be wearing these shoes all winter. Never thought I’d be an Ugg girly but here we are.
I love this piece on What Makes a Real New Yorker by
– I don’t think I’d consider myself a ~real New Yorker~ yet even though I think I get points because my entire Dad’s side of the family is from here and still lives here. But I hope one day I can proudly say (and feel like) I am a real New Yorker. For now, I will enjoy calling this place my home and slowly chipping away at the rites of passage that come with living here.
Take a moment to look around at your immediate environment and think about one thing you are grateful for. Maybe it’s the crisp breeze from the window, your favorite olive oil, or the privilege it is to have a roof over your head. Comment down below! Gratitude! We love it!
Thanks for the shout-out Nikki! I loved your post. Especially “In effort to be a little kinder to myself, I continue to work on releasing expectations of how my life is supposed to look.” So great!
“...but I keep feeling like, when am I going to feel like myself again?” Ohh I feel like I’ve experienced this many times but most notably for most of 2022. I went through so many shifts so quickly, and moved through painful and dark places, and was so secluded. I remember feeling this way and also slowly coming to the realization that I was never going to feel like that self again because I wasn’t her anymore. It was like discovering myself and the world all over again.
Also, I saw you post about this reader event and I’m so intrigued! Hoping to make one when I’m back in the area.