My Expectations Always Lead Back To Me
The very moment I realized a resentment towards someone else is a direct mirror for my own insecurity and unrealistic expectation I place on myself
If you know me, have been keeping up over the past few months, or somehow got a hold of one of my journals, you would know that there have been some consistent themes coming up in my inner world this year. They go a little something like this:
The feeling of guilt for not showing up “as best as I can” for people in my life and the expectations I place on myself
Resentment towards friends, potential partners, family members for not showing up for me in the way I need/desire/think they should
An overall feeling of being at capacity with friendships and connecting with others AND feeling like a lot of my friends also don’t have the space, time, or priority for our friendship.
Do you see any similarities????????
I do.
I realized it this weekend. I don’t know if it was the Libra Solar Eclipse on Saturday that brought everything to light or my avoidance finally accepting the fact that everyone truly is a mirror for something going on in my internal world but damn, why did my mind have to call me out like this?
Realizing I might be the problem…
The expectations I place on others to show up in a certain way are a direct representation of the expectations I place on myself. And the guilt I feel when I am not able to meet those expectations I place on myself directly mirror the resentment I feel towards others when they are not able to meet the unspoken expectations of our connection.
Oof.
Something in the back of my mind knew the experience of multiple friends this year not prioritizing our friendship (in the same way I would), being too busy for me (also a story I created), and generally being at capacity in their life (and thus, not “being there for me”) was a direct mirror for me and my own life and my own inability to show up perfectly everywhere, all at once.
I expect myself to be the best version of myself at all times. That means the friend who never bails, stays in touch consistently, and never comes to a function empty handed. It means clearly communicating my feelings or lack there of when I’m dating and staying out of all toxic situationships (sometimes easier said than done). I journal, meditate, and pull tarot every morning. I make my bed and make sure the bag of spinach in the fridge never goes to waste. I call my Mom daily and text my Grandma and tell her about the books I am reading. I have created an entire identity around being the best, most perfect, put together version of myself. And the worst part is, most of the time, I can keep it up.
But it’s exhausting.
And it’s bleeding into the way that I relate to others.
If I am able to keep up “being the best version of myself” (whatever that means), I expect others to do the same. If I can do it, why can’t others? If I can keep juggling a busy schedule, multiple responsibilities, routines and rituals that keep me connected to myself and a higher purpose, and friendships around the world, you should too.
Oh boy, Nikki, there is a lot to unpack here.
And it all comes down to that little version of me that wholeheartedly believed she needed to earn her worthiness. The five year old version of myself who got jealous of caterpillars because all of her friends went to play with them, and not her, at recess. The eight year old version of myself who let everyone walk all over her and cried every day on the way home from school. The thirteen year old version of myself who watched everyone around her get their first boyfriends and kisses and wondered when she would finally be chosen. The fourteen, fifteen, and sixteen year old version of myself who wondered why it still hadn’t happened (and tbh, the twenty five year old version who is still waiting for Prince Charming). To the parts of myself that make it hard for me to believe that anyone could love me, want me in their life, or care for me even when I don’t feel like I am doing enough, I see you.
I am realizing that when I am hard on someone else, it is usually because I see something within them that I have not yet accepted within myself. Feeling upset with a friend because they haven’t made plans with me since I’ve gotten to New York is directly related to the guilt I feel when I have to cancel plans last minute because I literally don’t have the capacity to hold space and be with someone. It all points back to my own internal story and expectations I have placed on myself which are seeping into the expectations I unfairly place on others.
If you don’t show up in the way I would, then it’s not good enough then turns into I am not good enough when I do not meet my own (unrealistic) expectations.
When it becomes less about them and more about me, although uncomfortable, I feel relieved because I know I can work on it. When the process is less about blame on others for how they make me feel and rather how my own mind is habituated, I finally can begin to see the light and have some opportunity for relief.
Because if you haven’t already learned, you have no control over others. You can’t make someone prioritize you more or like you more or act in a specific way to satisfy your own need. Sure, you can set boundaries and ask for your needs and I encourage you to do so but the fundamental premise of changing someone else for your own benefit, not gonna happen. So what can you do?
You work with your own mind. You look at your own internal world into order to shift your external reality. If you feel triggered, instead of trying to change the external source of that trigger, sit with the emotions coming up. See where you’ve noticed this before. Take note of what you think needs to be changed and see if maybe, just maybe, there is some perspective in your own mind that could shift in order to ease this tension.
If you feel triggered that a friend isn’t showing up in the way you want them to, need them to, or expect them to, take a second to think about:
What need is not currently being met?
What do I need/want more of right now?
Is anything in this situation or about this person mirroring a way in which I act towards others or myself?
When have I felt this before?
If I were to act in this way towards someone else, what would I feel?
In my case, for the last question, I knew I would feel guilt.
Shame is a focus on self, guilt is a focus on behavior. Shame is “I am bad.” Guilt is “I did something bad.”
So when I don’t show up for someone else, I feel like I did something bad. And when someone doesn’t show up for me, I get upset because that associate is so tightly woven with “something bad.” My perception of something bad is likely much different than your perception of something bad which is good for us because that means it can change.
That is the practice – seeing your reality, wanting things to be different, but ultimately knowing that you are the creator of your reality. If you are experiencing it, then you have the ability to change it.
Maybe this moment in my process is about rewriting the story of what “showing up as the perfect version of myself” is. Maybe I find more grace, more compassion, more acceptance for not only myself, but others. Without taking the time to be with my own mind, sit with my triggers, and not always trying to change things around me; I have been able to see how a belief from my childhood controls the way I view myself, the way I view others, and limits me from a true experience of unconditional love.
Nothing about this process or practice is necessarily easy or one that is finished overnight but rather a constant, gentle unfolding of understanding and awareness which allows you to reach new depths of yourself and your to ability to relate to the world.
This entire essay and new found awareness has been coming to fruition over this entire year and I’m sure there is still more for me to work with on this topic.
In March, I realized I had been searching for a perfect place in the world which didn’t exist.
In May, when I moved to New York, I started to feel guilty for not showing up for my community in the way I thought I should.
In July, I was exploring the idea of becoming the best version of myself and probably never being able to become it.
In August, I decided to stop being the good girl…which probably only lasted a week.
In September, I was sick and lonely and felt like all of my friends were forgetting about me (not true, they just have a life!!!!)
Two weeks ago, I decided to stop making excuses because I was bored of my own misery and waiting for something to change in my life.
Last week, I told myself I was publishing too many things so I had to announce a break to the world (in fear that not sticking to a posting schedule was me not being good enough)
This weekend I journaled over 20 pages about all of these things. I went to a writer meet-up yesterday and got really inspired. I woke up feeling overstimulated and went on a long walk and that’s when it all clicked.
I’m here now writing to you and tomorrow I can guarantee my process will lead me to a completely new and somehow related corner of my mind. That’s the beauty of it, the process, it is a never-ending winding journey of awareness. It adds sparkle to life and adds meaning to the most mundane. It is rare to see a process real time, and I think that’s why sometimes I question the things I share with the world. But in a moment like this, when I am able to see the progression of my own understanding, my own process and where it is leading me, I remember what I am doing this for.
So what am I here for?
The Process is here to give you tools, resources, practices, and perspectives to approach your own process with more curiosity and grace but also to remind you that the answers won’t come all at once. A big part of the process of doing the work is in the exploration, processing, integration, and sitting within the unknown. It is about approaching your internal world with curiosity, compassion, and a hell of a lot of grace. If I have learned anything in the past seven years of devoting myself to a path of self devotion, discovery, and inquiry is that things build upon each other. Each experience, trigger, emotional outburst, or moment that feels completely unique to your life is part of a bigger thread pulling your soul forward towards lessons you are meant to learn in this life.
There is no rush to learn it all. There is no timeline for your healing. Once you begin “doing the work,” I’ve found it is hard to go back to seeing the world without the lens of self awareness but I promise you the simple understanding that through your own mind, you can create a perfect paradise in the real world is one that keeps encouraging me forward on this path.
I hope that through sharing my own process, a real-time play by play of what I’m working through in my inner world to support a life that feels good in the external, I am able to inspire you in your own process.
Speaking of! I want to hear from you.
While I love a good comment (and seriously, if anything ever resonates, please comment, it’s helpful for the algorithm and my morale lol), I thought it would be fun to have a Q&A section. I’m currently reading Dear Dolly by Dolly Alderton and am inspired by her essays and thought it would be fun to not talk about myself all the time ;-) Share where you’re at in your process, what you’re working through, and anything else in your life that you’d like more perspective (or tools, practices, resources) for. Expect the responses to inform and inspire upcoming essays and segments on my newsletter – I am so excited to create more opportunity to open the conversation and connect with you on a deeper level.
And to keep this conversation going, comment down below.
What’s coming up in your process right now? What have you learned or realized over the past couple of weeks?
Have you ever noticed how someone who may trigger you in your life is a mirror for something you are insecure about within yourself? Or have you ever taken the time to see how something you admire about something else is a reflection of a quality within you?
What practice, contemplation, tool, or resource has been supporting you lately in your process?
I think we share the same feeling of "giving all" to our friendships but not getting the same response.
I've struggled with this expectation of reciprocity for a long time, but then I came to the realization that this might not be the best approach to it, mainly due to the fact that people generally express themselves differently. I then started looking at it from a different angle, which is that I do give and put in a considerable amount of energy in my friendships because I do enjoy it, regardless of the outcomes.. This made me feel a bit more at peace, when dealing with the disappointments of 'friends'..
One of the things I've been learning the past few years in fact which have been somewhat transformational, is to give up the illusion of control in our lives. We tend to 'self-design' our lives to a degree that leaves no room for error or unexpected events, to the extent that we get very upset that someone cancelled a dinner or something similar.. The realization that we're in no shape or form in control of our lives, makes going through it a lot easier, let alone, when it comes to the big decisions..
This can also apply to our friendships, love lives, families, work, and all.. Each angle has its framework, but we really don't control anything.. (ok, maybe I'll write about this some day)..
Have a good weekend!