To Stay or Not to Stay on Instagram
A (never ending) conversation on social media, consumption, and what life would look like fully unplugged
To listen while you read…
The way I am engaging with the online world is under evaluation. I am questioning my own habits, numbing behaviors, and how living life mostly online (positively and negatively) affects my creative practice, my sense of self, and my overall well-being. It’s an ongoing conversation, one that I’ve had on and off for years as an online creator. It’s a conversation that never seems to reach a clear end. I set boundaries. I take breaks. I fall in and out and patterns that keep me clinging to my phone as if it were an extension of myself.
I don’t want to run to an app every time I feel bored.
I don’t want to feel the need to scroll and swipe and watch and consume mindlessly day after day after day.
I don’t want to feel the satisfaction of getting a match, a new subscriber, or reel that gets over 1000 views because I know I will want to return again and again and again until I find that next achievement.
I don’t want to spend the majority of my day looking at a 6x3 electronic device that dictates whether or not I am going to have a good day. I have spent the entirety of my adult life (and most of my teenage life) plugged into social media and I want to know what else life could be without it.
I’ve taken breaks. I’ve taken days off, weeks off, months off but I always return. I set new boundaries and implement new habits and yet, those nights alone when I feel my lowest, I find myself scrolling for hours on end to try and find the solution or satisfaction or validation for whatever it is I am feeling. I wait for the text from a recent date to confirm in my mind that he still has feelings for me. I wait for my reel to go viral, and it never does. I wait for the comments and engagement on my latest post. I wait for the TikTok tarot reading to tell me all of my dreams are coming true. I wait and I get it and then I need the validation again. I wait and I get it. I wait and I get it and yet, it’s never enough.
Sometimes it feels as if I consume more content about other people living their life (or a highly curated portion of their life) instead of actually living mine. I go to coffee shops for the aesthetic and don’t leave until I get the perfect photo to add to my story. I save hundred of places and continue to return to the same few. I am in an endless loop of consumption that keeps me feeling like I always need more — I need to do more, be more, have more. But the more will never be enough.
I’ve thought about my relationship to social media a lot. I set boundaries to try and put the bumpers on my usage to keep me less addicted but these apps are wired for just that. They don’t want us to stop. And that’s the thing that scares me. Will I continue posting for validation and scrolling mindlessly for the rest of my life?
I’ve decided that I want to get really selective with what I consume, with the people I spend my time with, and things I share with the world.
I want to scale back on not only my consumption but also my output. Withholding my love, my art, my being with the world has always been hard for me as someone who sees the potential in every connection but the truth is, it is no longer working for me to give all of myself to something or someone who is not able to hold me. It is how I show up in friendship and in dating and in the way I share my self with the world.
I no longer want to be accessible for everyone at all times.
I don’t want to keep giving and giving and giving without anything in return and even in the pursuit to love the world unconditionally, I cannot keep going if I have no fuel left in the tank.
I want to experiment with placing stronger boundaries keeping the depths of my heart at an arm’s length from the world. I want to play with asking for the things I need instead of giving all of myself first and just expecting them in return. I do not owe anyone anything and I realize that I have been giving away so much of myself because I thought I needed to prove something in order to be loved. I thought if I showed up perfectly, I would then be chosen but it has only left me questioning my very essence when I do so and am still left with just myself.
I have spent much of my life being as accessible as possible. I text back quickly, I always return the phone call, I am constantly on and available to show up. I am here and they are not. I am here left waiting for someone to show up with the same vigor and presence that I do. This is no longer working and I am working through the very ways giving away too much of myself is doing more harm than good.
The way I show up in relation to the world is unique and beautiful and I would never want to change it but for the sake of my own heart, I need to scale back in order to better direct my attention towards the things, people, places, and ways of being that feel generative instead of draining. With this new year on the horizon, I am no longer asking to be seen. I have no interest in listing off all of the reasons why I am worth it and instead, I am showing up for those who show up for me without apology.
If you are reading this and, like me, have been questioning your relationship with social media, consumption, and showing up in this world in a way that feels supportive, inspiring, and expansive, I am so proud of you for questioning the status quo and maintaining hope that things can be different. They can and they should be different.
We are living in a world with so much access to information which is incredible and life changing in so many ways but we are also living in a world that is designed for us to continue wanting more. It is designed for us to continue consuming – feeding on all of the things we think are going to make us happy when in reality, we had everything we needed all along.
In an ideal world, I would like to be so involved in my life (my art, my spiritual practice, my community, my relationships, the awe of the world around me) that I am overflowing with love, wisdom, light, guidance, inspiration to share with the world. I want to connect with fellow artists, and to build community, and to use these digital spaces as a source of good not as a mechanism to further my stories about my self worth.
I want that for you, too.
I want you to feel content in your life. I want you to dream about the places you could travel and the many lives you could live not because of a picture perfect vacation recap you saw online but because that is what your soul is calling for. I want you to feel good about yourself in seasons of rest and in seasons of momentum. I want you to create for the sake of creation, not for the sake of recognition. You are perfect as you are. You are doing enough. You have everything you need. I say this to you as a reminder to me. Sometimes we don’t need to fix anything about ourselves, or our life. Sometimes we need to make a change or shift a habit in order to create the space to have more room to grow and explore and move through our personal seasons.
In effort to continue exploring my relationship with being online and being curious about what life would look/feel like without all the chatter (or the constant addiction to reaching for something to numb whatever uncomfortable thing I am feeling), I am going to be taking a break from the ‘gram for the season of winter. In addition, I will be paywalling all posts. I am taking a…social media hiberation persay…I’ll still be writing and publishing and sharing things but I want to limit access and create a more intimate, sacred container for myself, my community, and my creative practice.
More details to come but from now until the winter solstice on December 21, use the link below to get 20% off (forever!) of a paid subscription to The Process.
Thank you for support me and my work. Whether you are a free or paid subscriber or are just stopping by for the moment, it is my greatest joy to share these ideas and insights with you. While I am far from where I want to be as a writer, I feel so grateful to have eyes on my work and a space where I can learn, grow, and evolve as a writer and a human.
I love you and appreciate you so much!
xo, Nikki
Becoming more aware of my numbing patterns. Noticing when I reach for my phone, taking a sec to see what I’m feeling and rewiring the need for distraction. I also mute most accounts, turn off notifications, and have unsubscribed from so many sales emails. I’m using the next few weeks before my full hibernation to look at my habits and tendencies in order to be prepared for those moments when I don’t have something to cling to.
When I notice myself mindlessly scrolling or checking notifications, I take a second to ask myself: why did I reach for this? what am I currently feeling? am I trying to avoid something? what is something else I could do instead?
How much do I consume on a daily basis? How does that differ from how much I create? Do I wish I was doing one or the other more/less?
Before I post something, I ask myself: what is my intention for posting this? am I looking to gain some sort of validation or am I simply sharing to share? how is my mood? do I feel like I should be sharing this or I genuinely want to?
Much of what
writes serves as inspiration for my personal contemplation of social media usage and ~being an influencer~ (I need to keep reminding myself that it’s not as glamorous as it sounds) I followed Lee way back when in the early days of the ‘gram and find it so refreshing to hear her perspective after zooming out of a fully online life. I’m excited to read her memoir and love her approach as an artist “to engage in both creative output and receptive activities.”
- also serves as a big inspo for this greater conversation I’ve been having with myself. I had a call with Mar earlier this year and we went back and forth about being online vs. offline. Ultimately, they chose the latter and I am really inspired (and almost jealous?!) that they were able to pull the plug and quit IG. Read + listen more about it ↓
- ….has changed my life. It’s so good, I think I need to read it again. Just look at these quotes –
And to keep this conversation going, comment down below.
What is your relationship with social media like? What boundaries (if any) do you have in place so that you don’t get wrapped up in the never ending yearning for more?
What types of things feel the best to consume? What inspires you and what makes you question the way things are in your reality?
Who was your top artist on your Spotify Wrapped this year? (Mine was Kali Uchis…I expected Jungle or Neil Frances but I’m not complaining. Her album this year was a BOP)
Reciprocity is something I've been sitting with for so long in regards to social media. The quick scrolling and mindless nature of it has created this environment where everything is desensitized, and there isn't any honor for the depth of what people are showing up with and sharing. And, more importantly, honor for what they surely have walked through to be able to show up with that. I feel like we spoke about this over matcha. So I hear you, and I see you, and also celebrate you. Your presence is a beautiful light. xo
Such an important article Nikki. I always wonder what would life have been like or be like now if I didn’t work so much or waste my time on social media. What would I be doing? I’m going to put some walls up too and see what it feels like. You are an inspiration to me. You are a lighthouse in a storm. Thank you for risking and sharing!