Walking Courageously Towards My Shadow
The closer an object is to the light source, the larger the shadow it casts.
There are still parts of myself that I do not love. Parts of myself that I feel shameful of, that I shy away from, that I keep hidden from the world. After seven years of intentionally getting to know myself, coming to love myself, and embracing all of me — there are still parts of myself that I do not accept. How could this be?
The parts of myself that I do not love are ones that I thought I could live without. Pieces of me, both past and present, that I want to push down and shove under the rug so that I can say, “look at me, I love myself with no shadows to be found.”
And yet, when no one is looking, I still feel shameful, insecure, and hesitant.
I still try and make myself someone I’m not in hope of not “being too much.”
I make myself smaller and compromise on my own boundaries in order to make myself more desirable or lovable or both.
I still have a deep rooted fear that at the end of my life I will look back and see a lack of romantic love. A fear rooted in the belief that in order to be worthy, I need to be chosen. When in reality, all I need to do is choose myself – shadow and all.
Over the past few weeks, I have been reacquainted with my shadow (helloooo Scorpio Season). It is not longer the guilt of setting a boundary or insecurity that none of my friends like me but rather shame around my desires.
The desire to be loved.
The desire to be in partnership.
The desire to simply go on fun dates with cool humans.
I’ve built an armor around my heart that has protected me from being hurt. It was built from years of disappointment and of waiting for things to change. It is an armor that keeps me at arm’s length with most people in my life. It gives me ability to let go of a connection without batting an eye because I am better off without them. It keeps me off the apps because I romanticize the idea of meeting someone in the wild and think a kismet (and likely rare) IRL encounter is somehow worth more than the algorithm of Hinge, Bumble, or whatever other app conspiring to bring us together. A connection is a connection – regardless of how we meet.
I’m comfortable in my life. I am content and fulfilled in so many ways and yet there are still some nights when I lay awake and feel like I want more. Everything in my life feels (and is) perfect and yet, I am ignoring a part of myself that yearns for something deeper. This part of myself that knows I am hiding from a shadow within me that does not want to fully be seen. A shadow that fears being rejected once the armor is stripped away. But what if the experience is shining light on my deepest shadows allows me to see that it wasn’t something to be afraid of after all? What if the very parts of myself that I am hiding from are the core essence of what makes me, me? And what if those pieces, all together, fully integrated, allow me to show up as fully as possible in my life and attract the people who love all of me – not just a sliver?
I know my shadow is present when I find myself turning away from the things I want to go towards.
It is when I see a job listing that lights a spark within me but I immediately close out of the tab because “there’s no way they would want to hire me.” Or when I stop making a dating app profile halfway through because I don’t want to be honest with what I’m looking for because “no one wants the same things.” It’s when I don’t speak up about not drinking at a function because I “don’t want people to think I’m boring.”
My shadow tells me to hide.
My shadow tells me I’m not good enough.
My shadow tells me I need to compromise on what I actually want because I’m asking for too much.
My shadow tells me whatever stories I have been telling myself that will keep me small and sitting in the corner waiting for life to happen to me instead of showing up courageously and walking towards the life that I have always wanted.
I want to believe that one day I will no longer experience parts of myself that I want to hide from the world. Not caring when I take a picture and it’s not on my “good side.” Showing up to a first date with no expectation other than to connect with a new human and maybe get a kiss goodnight. I want to believe that one day I will experience life without the need to be validated by it. I won’t search in every person I meet, opportunity I find, or place I go to find the promise that all parts of me are worthy.
Maybe it’s because I’m 25 and unsure of the world around me or because I simply haven’t had enough life experience to realize that life isn’t that serious and there’s something for everyone in this world. I dream of the day that I claim to the world, “this is me! take it or leave it!” And fully mean it. But that day is not today and yet, I still move forward.
I claimed to my friend earlier this week, I will walk courageously towards my shadows.
I will choose the thing that I am afraid of because the only way I will no longer fear the monster lurking under the bed is if I turn on the light and see there was no monster after all. I will walk courageously towards the things that encourage me to share more of myself with the world. I will be vulnerable and honest and clear with what I am looking for. I will be open to people meeting me with that same intention.
I will walk courageously towards my shadows because I trust that I am ready to reclaim them. I trust that I am ready to meet all of myself. I trust that the world is ready to meet me too. I believe that when you walk through life with an open heart and pure intentions, you will always be met with the same. Sure, I could still get hurt or rejected but I am willing to run the risk because the sheer thought of living a life as half of myself feels more painful.
I want to believe that there are people out there who are ready to love all of me, even the parts of myself that I am still afraid of. But I don’t know unless I put myself out there. I won’t meet these people, or find these opportunities, or dispel this belief if I stay locked up in my room waiting for the perfect thing to come climbing through my window. You will continue to get the same result unless you change your approach. If something is not working, switch things up. Try something new. You will stay habituated in the same way of being unless you courageously decide to do things differently.
If you haven’t already guessed, I am opening myself up back to the dating world but bringing this approach into all of my life. With dating, this looks like getting back on the apps, signing up for events like The Feels, and encouraging myself to make small talk with strangers. But it’s not just about doing things different in the real world, especially if you still have that shadow lingering telling you to keep parts of yourself hidden from the world.
To work towards integrating my shadows, here’s what I do:
When I have a thought that is a limiting belief, tied to a shadow, or is encouraging me to contract, stay small, or hide a part of myself, I bring it to the light. I say, “ok shadow, let’s have a little talk.” I’ll journal or meditate or go on walk and work through whatever is coming up. I listen to the story that feels fear of intimacy, shame about my career path, or that there are no good guys left in this world. I listen to the story with compassion, empathy, and understanding that the shadow is there to protect me. The story is there to protect me. The belief keeps me safe but it also keeps me small.
Then I’ll start to rewrite the story. Sometimes with affirmations. Sometimes with encouragement from a friend, therapist, or loved one. Sometimes by having an experience that actively goes against the story in my mind. Start small, move slowly, and take your time throughout this process. A shadow doesn’t get completely dispelled overnight. The deeper rooted the belief, the more resistance you will feel when trying to change that thought pattern. It’s all good, it’s called the process and not the outcome for a reason.
When you are in the depths of your own shadow, it can be easy to get stuck there. It’s a sticky, uncomfortable process that is also incredibly liberating but it is not necessary to stay there. Nor is it necessary to uncover all of your shadows at once. The shadow self will be there, there will always be opportunity to love yourself more deeply. Take your time. Find a balance of shadow and light. When exploring your shadow, prioritize time spent with people and in places that remind you of the goodness of self, of life, and of the world around you.
Some journaling prompts as you explore your shadow:
What are the areas of my life, or of myself, that I want to stay hidden from the world?
What people, places, experiences make me feel small? What belief about myself do they bring up?
If I showed up fully as myself in my life, claiming all parts of myself, what would my life look like? What would I do? How would I act? Who would I spend time with
What do I truly, deeply desire in life? Do I feel shame about any of those desires
Shame is the belief that the feeling or experience that who we are is flawed and therefore unworthy of life. What stories do I have connected with the shame I feel about myself? (Ex. I am shameful that I have never had a long-term romantic partner, and I have a story that I am unworthy without being chosen and/or without romantic partnership)
Are the stories I hold about myself true? Are they supportive to me? Do they make me feel good? How could I rewrite these stories to be more supportive and inclusive of all parts of myself?
Before I go, I want to share this amazing event I’m going to tonight (updates to come!) – The Feels is an IRL mindful dating experience hosted by the amazing
from Equanimity Equation and . They hold events in NYC, Philly, and DC all centered around mindful and deeper connections. I am going in with an open mind, open heart, and a fresh new haircut. I’m exciteeddddddddddd. Also so expanded by the work of Allie, so go check her out! Her recent piece on compromising her own boundaries with dating was incred.What are you courageously walking towards?
Love always,
Nikki
Loved this post! Very relatable.. As long as your heart’s desires are true (which they are), you will manifest all of it :) life will open you up and it will work out. But yes, loving our shadows is such important and mindful work!!
Beautiful shadow exploration prompts ❤️